DV EXPOSE: Kung Fu Panda Is the Manliest "Kids' Movie" Ever Made

A fatass hero

In kids' movies -- hell, in mainstream movies in general -- fat people generally only serve one of two purposes. They're either the plucky, comic relief characters who encourage and make banter with the real protagonist (who is, of course, skinny), or they're the evil, corrupt bad guys whose obesity serves as a sign of their gluttonous, sinful ways. Fatasses are never, ever to be taken seriously in films. 

Given the fact that most real men are at least fifty pounds overweight, this is generally problematic for our entire gender. We, as a whole, are only being represented as villains of slapstick douchebags.

Until Kung Fu Panda, anyway. 

Every kids' movie hero generally has some flaw which they must overcome or accept. Simba needed to get over his father's death. Ariel needed to learn what it meant to be a mermaid. The Kung Fu Panda is a fatass, and we're rooting for him to become a successful fatass during every inch of his quest. What's better is, he never becomes skinny -- he just learns to use his fat as a weapon.

Kung Fu

Kids' movies are almost never allowed to be legitimately exciting in their own rights. Any semblance of "action" is usually frowned on by parents for causing children to be superviolent or something. As such, even movies about kicking the crap out of people usually turn into some sort of bullshit morality tale about making friends with people (see: the dragon "fight" in Shrek).

Kung Fu Panda doesn't buy into any of that pacifist bullshit.

True to its title, Kung Fu Panda actually includes a few fight scenes which are -- gasp -- pretty interesting and badass in their own right. If we're lucky, it will inspire more children to become martial artists and kick the living shit out of each other.

David Cross and Seth Rogen are in it

Period. David Cross plays an irritable crane, and Seth Rogen is a praying mantis. At some point, all the characters laugh and you can distinctly pick out Seth Rogen's "Jesus Christ why does that sound so fucking deep and gravelly and weird" laugh in, like, half a second.

They're only playing straight men to Jack Black's panda, but still -- it's rare to see voice work in a kids' movie that adults can actually respect (Dustin Hoffman is in it as well, and he is a badass).

It may score you points with your girlfriend

While she won't be as happy as if you'd seen Sex and the City or The Women, she'll have to respect your decision to go see a movie with her that doesn't include huge gunfights or gory deaths. A man wanting to see a kids' movie seems initially weird, but eventually kind of endearing

There's enough "look inside yourself for inspiration" and "believe in your dreams" bullshit to make her happy and remember about when she was a little girl and idolized Cinderella and wished someone would take her away from everything without her having to work at all, until she one day met you and had to lower all her expectations, and thought it might be nice to go see a movie and why can't we just go see Sex and the City because Sarah Jessica Parker isn't that annoying why do we always just see movies you want to see wait you want to see Kung Fu Panda I heard that was really cute at work Trisha told me so you know Trisha from work that bitch that keeps trying to gun for my job but she's got good taste in movies and she said it was really cute and funny so yeah that's awesome that you want to see that I WILL BLOW YOU.

And there's enough Kung Fu and fat jokes and Seth Rogen to entertain you.

"Skadoosh"

While the line isn't used in the same context you see in the above clip from the trailer, it is an exclamation that will soon become part of the cultural lexicon. Its hilariously awesome connotation will spread through our culture like an electric current through a bathtub with a toaster in it. Its use in the film is so epic, so absurd, and so awesome that, like it or not, it will become your onomatopoeia of choice for everything you do over the next few days.

Until it becomes as worn out as those Napoleon Dynamite catchphrases that started out really funny, "Skadoosh" will be the word on the tongue of everyone who accomplishes something they are proud of. It will be the victory cry for the subculture of fat, would-be heroes. 

It will be the catchphrase of men.