DV EXPOSE: Internet Skepticism

Of course, the internet can be a confusing place.  There are a multitude of reasons for this -- ranging from the outright bewilderment inspired by early flash videos of obscure Japanese songs to the complete pointlessness of, for instance, Obama Girl -- not the least of which are the endless hoaxes which really are perpetuated via the internets.  The fact that there are actually plenty of real hoaxes, though, does not excuse the extent to which people will go to assure themselves that they will not be among those who've been "had" by cyber-hucksters.

I believe that I've narrowed the field of items deemed "fake" by critics to seven major categories.  There may be more and, if there are, I encourage you to submit your own, but for now, this is what we're working with.  I'd like to present to you a series of case studies whereby each category is represented by one example.  One note, though, before we continue:  if you disagree with me on any of the following points, you are an egotistical idiot.  Let's proceed.

Things That Are Outright Forgeries

This falls into the aforementioned category of actual hoaxes.  Whatever this video claims is true is not true.  It is a lie in video form.  This is the only time when it's acceptable to point our the falseness of something, or technical knowledge that leads you to believe it to be a fake, or even formulate an argument on either side of any burgeoning, "Is it fake?"-related argument.  In the video above, which purports to show a ghost, but which is actually not-even-that-clever video editing, a girl turns around and looks at you, but her reflection doesn't... at first!  When it does, you're supposed to shit your pants and start believing all kinds of hocus pocus that you didn't believe before.  Maybe you're supposed to give yourself up to a higher power, get baptized, finally get that circumcision you've always dreamed of -- I don't really know what the manipulative purpose of this video is, other than that it's supposed to scare you with the belief that ghosts of little girls may at any time not turn around at the same time as their non-ghost counterparts on the other side of the mirror.  How horrifying?  But in real life, any video editor worth his dirty sweat could cook something like this up in an afternoon, and if you happen to chime in on a conversation about this video or any like it with the phrase, "Yeah, this is total bullshit, [here's why], and you guys are morons," that's more than acceptable.

Jokes That Idiots Mistake as Attempted Forgeries

I'd say I'm at risk of overusing the word, "idiot," if I believed that was possible.  The above example, which many people were very quick to point out is "fake," was first seen on the internet on star-studded comedy website funnyordie.com.  It wasn't leaked to some random blog.  It wasn't on whatever hollywood gossip site is hot today, or uploaded anonymously to youtube.  If it was, and you also didn't know the first thing about the production or the creative process behind the movie it involves, maybe it would have made sense to think that this could be real before you angrily rejected it as "fake."  But since it was released to a comedy website, and it is obviously a parody of a previously hot internet video (David O. Russell and Lily Tomlin getting into it on the set of I Heart Huckabees), and we know that it doesn't make any sense for 1) Michael Cera to be angry about anything or 2) Michael Cera to be cast in the role that was written for Seth Rogen, it's a good sign that you suck if you call it fake.  It isn't fake.  It's a joke.  A real joke.  Laugh or get off the pot.

Things Which May or May Not Be Fake, But Which By No Means Must Be Fake

This one is simple enough.  A race car hits a deer, and the deer goes flying.  It doesn't just bounce off the car, it goes orbital.  It boldly goes where no deer has gone before.  Because we've never seen a deer fly before, some of us immediately pound our little objections into the keyboard.  "Sooooo fake," one person says.  "If not fake then where's blood?" says another.  "Where it lands?  Oblviion???." someone else appends. "Car front would explode," chimes in a fourth person.  Well, believe it or not, I'm here to tell you that there is no real reason to believe or even want to believe that the video you just watched wasn't actually a deer flipping through the air after getting tagged by a very fast-moving race car.  It's a very small deer, the car is designed to deflect air just as it deflects the deer, the deer falls in the dark woods to the right of the road, and fawns do not cause explosions upon impact.  Could it be fake?  Sure, I guess so.  But you'd have to be pretty lame to fake an eight second video of Bambi's last ramble, especially one that shows no physical signs of falsehood.

Things That Are Mislabeled

Hey, I was as glad as anyone to learn that this little girl isn't really on ecstasy.  Even so, with parents like that, could it be fair to ask if maybe she'd be better off if she was on ecstasy?  I mean, she might be dead, but at least she wouldn't have a bunch of teenage girls treating her face like a ball of silly putty while she rolls around on the floor amongst the filth and the danger.  There were plenty of people calling this video fake, but there's nothing fake about it.  Sure, they're joking about the little girl being on ecstasy*, but the real story of this video is how neglectful they're actually being.  It shouldn't have been called, "Rolling," it should have been called, "This is a joke, but go ahead and call child protective services anyway."

Things That Are Obviously Faked and Were Never Intended to Be Believed

The above video is simple the first 25 seconds of a PowerAde commercial with the last PowerAde-referencing five seconds excised.  The result?  Many people claiming that this is somehow faked to make LeBron seem like a better basketball player that he is, while many other people claim that, yes, LeBron James actually does have the ability to shoot the ball from the opposite side of the court effortlessly and repetitively.  He must not do it in a game because the NBA won't let him.  Others claim that ALL NBA players are talented enough to execute such a feat.  I don't want to be in any way unclear on this matter:  if you participate in any sort of debate on whether or not the events contained in a sports drink commercial are an historical document, you should be caged and laughed at.  Also, I personally hate you.  It's roughly the equivalent of going to see The Matrix and arguing over whether Neo can really fly.  He can do whatever the fuck the director wants him to do.  It's fucking fiction.  FIGURE IT OUT.

Things That Give You Absolutely No Reason to Doubt Their Veracity

That's right, it's just a dance.  That first sentence is a reply to what I dearly hope you're thinking right now:  "How could anybody possibly need to believe that was fake?  It was just a dance."  Still, there are countless comments that seem to imply utter disbelief that a group of people could all individually memorize a sequence of colors.  For the people making those comments:  have you ever seen an orchestra?  If so, did you stand up in the middle of the performance and shout at the top of your lungs, "That's completely fucking impossible!"?  Or did you just think it?  This is essentially a marching band, but instead of instruments, they're playing at alternating five or so different colors.  And if you notice, they're not even all doing it right.  Oh, but that must be a clever dash of realism to cement the gambit.  Damn you, immaterial dancing!  You've fooled me again with your "colors" and your "coordinated movement."  Now I think North Korea is great.

The Truth 

Ah yes, the truth:  the most seductive target for all skeptics.  Alright, I have a confession to make.  The first time I saw the Merrill Howard Kalin videos, I had them pegged as definitely fake.  I figured it was some Sacha Baron Cohen wanna-be who thought he could score some cheap laughs on an easy concept.  And my belief was solidified by the fact that he at least once seems to slip completely out of character while cutting some food, muttering in a distinctly un-Merrill-like tone, "Jesus Christ, I hate this."  That was all the evidence I needed.  The guy was a joker.  But then I noticed that the videos were being taken off youtube.  A fellow Double Viking writer alerted me to the fact that the Little City Foundation -- the Foundation responsible for Merrill's public access cooking show -- was in fact a real foundation, and that they had successfully campaigned to have Merrill's videos removed from youtube as part of a copyright violation, something they most likely chose to enforce because of the nature of the attention Merrill was getting.  I have no reason to doubt the existence or legitimacy of the Foundation, but I'm not here to laugh at Merrill.  Sadly, I'm not here to laugh with him, either.  His jokes suck.  But to conclude, anyone who's still skeptical about Merrill must believe that someone would go through the trouble of setting up an entire charitable foundation just to support the myth of a moderate internet sensation.  I was blind, but now I see.

Use your heads.  If something is not meant to state a fact, it should be mechanically impossible for you to be skeptical about it.  If you are skeptical in spite of that, you probably stopped reading long ago.  For that, we can both be glad.  For my part, I'm going to pre-emptively take what I hope your advice will be, and I'll stop reading the comments on videos.  I don't have to anymore, after all.  I've said my piece.

* Fucking superb joke, by the way.  I laughed 'til I was horrified, which was immediately.  So no laughter.