DV Expose: Extreme Fanboyism

FACT: A Gears of War fan got a huge tattoo of the logo…before the game was even out

In 2006, Ciff Bleszinski came across one of the most dedicated (and foolhardy) fans of his games he’d ever met: a fan who expected so much out of Gears of War that got a large tattoo of the game’s COG logo a full few months before the game even hit release.

What if the game had sucked ass? It didn’t, but what if it had? This poor, fanboy bastard would have either been forced to walk around with an alarmingly large and red logo of a shitty game on his arm for the rest of his life, or he would have had to undergo painful tattoo removal surgery. Honestly, dude, did you like the mere idea of the game that much?

It might be easier to swallow if (A) the logo actually looked even remotely cool or (B) the tattoo was done well. As it stands, it looks like a toddler haphazardly scribbled an angry Jolly Roger onto your forearm with red magic marker, then tried to cover up her mistakes by licking them.

FACT: No less than two Transformers fans have changed their names to those of characters in the series

In the early months of 2003, Ohio’s 5694^th National Guard Unit received an unlikely new recruit: Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots. Scott Edward Nall officially changed his name to Optimus Prime on his 30^th birthday, as a present to himself.

According to Prime:

"My dad passed away the year before and I didn't have anybody really around, so I really latched onto him when I was a kid...[the other guys] razzed me for three months to no end. They really dug into me about it."

Until late 2003, Optimus Prime stayed in Iraq as part of a civilian firefighting unit. Honestly, who can blame the guy for the name change: if you were a soldier in Iraq, who would you rather watch your ass? Scott Edward Nall, or Optimus Fucking Prime?

Not to mention Jason Burrows, a guy who legally had his middle name changed from “Michael” to “Megatron.” On July 2^nd, 2007, he walked into the King County District Court in the state of Washington as Jason Michael Burrows, and left a few hours later as Jason Megatron Burrows.

According to Burrows:

“I walked to the front, where she had me raise my right hand to swear that I would tell the truth, whole truth & nothing but the truth. She asked if my name change was to defraud creditors, I said no. She asked if it would be detrimental to anyone else, I said no. She Then asked if I was indeed changing my middle name to that of my childhood hero, I smiled & said "Yes Ma'am." She said, "Then I do order & decree that your name be changed from Jason Michael Burrows to Jason Megatron Burrows" with a HUGE grin. There were quite a few chuckles from the courtroom... I was handed the paperwork & I split.”

FACT: A North Carolina woman tried to do the same thing several years earlier, but almost failed due to a douchebag Clerk of Courts

Only this time, her fanboy franchise of choice was Star Wars. Jennifer Briggs, 28 at the time, hoped to change her name to Obi-Wan Kenobi – partially because of the $1000 prize a radio station awarded for doing so, and partially because her friends, family, and students thought it’d be totally goddamn badass.

However, when she attempted to make the change, the douchebaggiest douchebag in all of North Carolina prevented her from doing so. John Carr, Durham Clerk of Courts, said that Briggs didn’t have “good and sufficient” reason for changing her name. So, just wanting to do something that should be your legal right isn’t a “good and sufficient” reason? Or how about the money? Or the fame?

Either way, Briggs wasn’t willing to go down without a fight (Jedis never say die – until Episode III, at least), and a few weeks later, she marched into the Durham County courthouse dressed as a Jedi, complete with a lightsaber, to fight for her right to change her own name. She succeeded, and then donated her $1000 dollar check to charity.

In other news, I want to have a great deal of sex with Jennifer Briggs.

FACT: Firefly fans spent thousands of dollars of their own money on tickets to Serenity, in an effort to increase awareness of the film

Though hardly the only modern TV cult in the world, the fans of Firefly and Serenity were willing to spend hundreds, if not thousands of dollars of their own money in order to see the success of their favorite series.

During the first week of the feature film Serenity, Browncoats bought hundreds upon hundreds of tickets in an effort to boost the film’s overall box office gross. Some Browncoats took the tickets to the streets of LA, handing them out for free to anyone and everyone who would take them, in an effort to get more and more people interested in the film.

Now, think about that: individual civilians spending hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars of their own money just to help their favorite show. In addition to buying tickets, the Browncoats bought entire DVD sets, staged their own showings of the film, and dubbed June 23 the annual Serenity day, where each fan is required to buy one copy of the DVD to further prove the franchise’s marketability.

Of course, these tactics generally backfire and scare away most “normal” people.

FACT: A Star Trek fan attended the Whitewater hearings dressed as a member of the Enterprise

During the 1996 Whitewater trial, a juror named Barbara Adams, without being asked and without any immediate justification, dressed in full Starfleet uniform to the hearings

The uniform included the typical black pants and red top, in addition to a badge, a phaser, and a tricorder. Just in case the Whitewater trial wasn’t ridiculous enough, Adams remained dressed as a Star Trek character for the entirety of her time spent on the jury (which wasn’t long, once she was found talking to the press). Her story, and the stories of many other obsessed Trek fans, is documented in the film Trekkies.

Were she not a woman, it would be safe to assume that Barbara Adams has no idea what a sexual organ looks like.

FACT: A Star Trek fan had his ears surgically altered to resemble those of a Vulcan

Also documented in Trekkies is the story of an American man who loved Star Trek, Spock, and the fictional Vulcan race so goddamn much that he underwent elective plastic surgery to change the tops of his ears from this

To this.

As if that weren’t insane enough, he’s not the only one: a Chinese man in the June of 2005 underwent an almost identical procedure to make his ears look less human – ostensibly to match his personality.

Honestly, I can defend most of the shit fanboys do, but plastic surgery? Apart from being expensive as fuck, what’s the point? It doesn’t symbolize anything, (other than an unhealthy desire to escape the reality of anything life) and it serves no functional purpose.

It is, however, great fodder for hastily-researched Internet expose articles. And for that, dear fanboys, we thank you, and humbly make the following challenges to the fanboy community:

1. Optimus Prime, formerly Scott Edward Nall, must fight Jason Megatron Burrows, formerly Jason Michael Burrows, to the death. Unarmed. Preferrably over a volcano.

Seriously, just imagine it. These guys obviously loved the Transformers enough to permanently change their legal names for the rest of their lives – why not go the whole kitten caboodle and start acting like them? If Jason ended up winning, he would be legally obligated to grunt, “It’s over, Prime” before delivering the finishing blow to Optimus. Were this to happen, I – and many others – could die happily. Besides, it'd be a fair fight -- Prime is a National Guard guy, and this what Megatron looks like:

UPDATE: Uh, this is actually fucking happening. I finished this article several days ago, and only 48 hours before its publishing the previous post went front page on Digg -- absolutely astonishing.  Evidently, Optimus Prime posed the following challenge to Jason Burrows:

Jason "Megatron" Burrows:

The mighty OPTIMUS PRIME is "OFFICIALLY" calling you out. If you are going to TAKE credit for bearing the name of my one true nemesis, then man up and take MEGATRON as your first and ONLY name. Otherwise, stop being a poser and come up with your OWN idea!

If you accept, we shall publicly do battle to be recorded for the entire TRANSFANDOM!!!

"One shall stand, one shall fall!" 

Though Prime was extremely vague as to what the "battle" would entail, I don't care -- should these two actually square off, I do believe I can die a happy man.

2. The Gears of War guy needs to get a tattoo for every upcoming game of the next three years.

BioShock, Assassin's Creed -- fuck, the next Spongebob game. The Gears of War guy's love of unreleased games needs to increase a thousandfold until the entirety of the EB Games "upcoming" list is plastered all over his back and buttocks. If any of these games turn out bad, he is not allowed to have them removed.

3. Someone needs to chop their own arm off and replace it with one made entirely of LEGOs.

I'm not entirely sure why, but we've been discussing it and we've decided it would be really, really cool.

4. A Star Wars fan must use plastic surgery to reshape his skull in the form of Darth Vader's.

It would be costly, expensive, and painful, but my God -- the rewards would be incalculable. Your skull would triple in size and angularity. It'd be like wearing a permanent helmet. While Trekkies have gone as far as plastic surgery to make themselves resemble characters from their franchise, most Star Wars fans haven't mutilated their bodies beyond tattoos, haircuts, and the occasional Darth Maul horn. It's time to change that. Imagine a Darth Vader helmet, made entirely of skin and bone, permanently terrifying to all. After the fan changes his appearance, we could use him as a torturer overseas: he wouldn't even have to do anything, just stare at enemy combatants until they got so freaked out they'd have no choice but to give up whatever information they held. 

 
UPDATE PART 2, REVENGE OF UPDATE:

We got an email from a reader, Thomas Chiappone, who said:

"These aren't too extreme...I have both the APPLE logo, and CounterStrike tattooed on me... and they aren't small either. And I have a girlfriend... go figure."

Naturally, we called bullshit, at which point he provided the following pictures:

 A Cincinnati citizen with a BS in Psychology, Tom has somehow managed to get two distinctly nerdy tattoos, whilst still managing to rope in someone with a vagina who will dependably allow him use of said vagina.

Well done, Tom. Well done.