DV EXPOSE: Cinco de Mayo

Sure we all love to have excuses to get our drink on, but apparently “it’s Monday” isn’t enough of a reason. So we need a crappy fake holiday to cover up the true reason we all need to drink, to fill the holes left in our souls when they took “227” off of the air. Christ… I really miss Jackee.

Do you want to know why Cinco de Mayo is bullshit?

FACT: The Battle of Puebla didn't keep the French from conquering Mexico City.

No, but the air pollution and crappy traffic would have them hamstrung today.  The fact is that while the Battle of Puebla -- the foundation of the Cinco de Mayo celebration and a Mexican military victory which saw 4,000 Mexican troops defeat 8,000 mixed French and Mexican quislings -- was a meaningful military victory in the sense that it became a sort of rallying cry for Mexico against the invading French, it didn't keep the French from stomping all over their capitol city a couple weeks later.  Imagine if the U.S. had a holiday for every battle it won.  We'd be drinking every day. 

Oh.

FACT: It’s barely celebrated in Mexico.

Kind of like Columbus Day in America, people are aware of it but don’t give a shit.

The Battle of Puebla was considered a moral victory and nothing more. Since when does anyone celebrate moral victories?

“Hey Steve. I got fired today, my girlfriend left me, and I think I have herpes. However, I did find a quarter on the ground while leaving work.”

“Well, that is a moral victory… We should drink.”

Moral victories are never a good time.

FACT: It’s nothing but an excuse for gringos to get fucked up.

Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Nancy at the reception desk has a hard and fast rule that she only drinks on holidays. So, of course, Cinco de Mayo is on her calendar to celebrate every year. If St. Patrick’s Day and New Years Eve is amateur hour for people that don’t drink rest of the year, than Cinco de Mayo is American Idol. It is for people who think they are party animals, just like American Idol is for people who think they are professional singers. But in reality, nobody has respect for either group of people and both end up leading to embarrassing moments where people question their sexuality. The difference being, on Cinco de Mayo we have hot drunk college girls making out and American Idol has Clay Aiken. 

FACT: Beating the French in war shouldn't be a big deal.

This is a country that historically has been seen as the Washington Generals when it comes to war. (Wait, does that make the Nazis the Harlem Globetrotters? I might need to rethink this analogy.)

How can anyone respect a country whose greatest leader was distracted by a water slide and was named the Ziggy Piggy? I know I can’t.

I poop in the potty everyday but I don’t get a gold star next to my name when I do that. Nobody should celebrate events that are routine.

Do you know how the French infantry were defeated in the Battle of Puebla? After their cavalry was routed by the superior Mexican horsemen, the French commander ordered an infantry charge, which was defeated  easily because local Indians caused a few hundred head of cattle to stampede across the battlefield.  That's right:  the French infantry was bested by cows.  Mexican beef usually defeats me as well, but that is usually after drinking all night and making a run to Taco Bell at three a.m.

Now I have to go find my sombrero and my shirt that says, “Eat the worm, you pussy.”