It Invites Lame People To Pull Pranks

If you were actually a good prankster, you'd be honing your craft year round, making buckets of pig blood fall on insecure teenage girls at any given moment. No, April Fool's Day isn't when the good prankers normally come out and play. Despite its cred as a practical joke free-for-all, April 1st only invites those with the lamest of sensibilities.

I can remember, for example, back when I was in high school and was one of the editor's of our newspaper. It was a horrible monthly rag called "The Charter." Well, into my first year as an editor, I learned that we'd be publishing an April Fool's Day edition. "Awesome!" I thought. Wow, I was a fuck tard. Because of COURSE the issue was the lamest excuse for a prank ever. First off, we changed the name of the paper from "The Charter" to "The Chatter." Heaven FORBID we actually tricked anyone into thinking our joke stories were real.

Then, of course, any close to believable stories, like "Disabled Lunch Lady Fired," were tossed out for lame examples of "humor" like "School Mascot To Wed!" and "Principal Farts!" The kicker, of course, was that we distributed the issue wearing "goofy" outfits and as we gave out the newspapers, we were required by our advisor to yell out "April Fools!!"

So, yeah... any holiday that fosters that sort of behavior is, by definition, fucking LAME.

It's Another Excuse To Sell Greeting Cards

"    * Hallmark offers three April Fools’ Day cards, including two for an April Fools’ Day birthday. The cards, like the holiday, focus on good-natured humor.
    * Hallmark and Shoebox humor cards also fill the bill for this occasion and can serve consumers’ needs beyond the one-day celebration of April Fools’ Day."

April Fools' Day GREETING CARDS. They exist. Who are the people buying these cards? I want a registry of these people so I can invent a Terminator-like robot and send him to kill them... Terminator style.

 Broadcasting A Prank Preemptively Ruins It

What is the cardinal rule of pranks?  That is, what makes a prank a prank?

Let me rephrase that one more time:  if I tell you when I am going to pull a prank on you, and you fall for it anyway, is it a good prank, or are you just a fucking idiot?  If you answered, "It's a good prank," then you are definitely a fucking idiot.

One of the key components to tricking someone is that they do not know they're being tricked.  If you give away any information about the trick -- for instance, the day of the trick, or the fact that it's a fucking trick -- it ceases to be a trick at all.  It's like watching a M. Night Shymalan movie when you already know the twist.  Sure, you already know the ending, but at least the movie sucked.  It's stripped of any potency it might otherwise have had.

Have you ever fallen for an April Fools' prank?  Of course not.  Maybe you've gotten someone else to fall for one of your pranks, but deep down you know it was just another way for you to pick on your retard friend in a way you wouldn't feel too bad about.  And, ultimately, I guess that's sort of acceptable.  But don't tell anybody about it.  And don't be proud.

Bad Things Don't Stop Happening on April Fool's Day

Here's an interesting conundrum: what if you're on your way to prank your best friend and, as you're crossing the street to his house, you get flattened by a truck and die. That'd suck, right?

But what will suck even more is that when everyone hears you've gone curb diving, their first reaction will be to laugh. Because they'll think your death is a fucking joke. Not because you're a fucking joke (which you sort of are, but they don't mind cuz they're your friends and because you always buy the weed) but because it's April 1st. Think about how sick a holiday must be when it renders your own death a fucking joke?

It's time people... let's get rid of April Fools' Day.

* Sadly, they did not have youtube.