A BIT ABOUT MY SCHOOL

Like it or leave it, I went to a private school (in Milwaukee) from grades K thru 12. I was a scholarship charity case kid, but it was a private school nonetheless. University School of Milwaukee was the pretentiously named and run school I called my hell away from home for all those years. In middle school, since I was one of the poor kids in my grade, I used to get tortured and beat up and called names, like "Mario" and the "Hamburgler" and "Fatty."

Okay, so maybe they called me those names because I was fat and not because I was poor. But they called me names regardless.

But by the time I reached high school, I was pretty much well acclimated. This was because my school wasn't just private and expensive... it was small too. There were between 65 and 80 kids per grade.

So keep this in mind -- University School of Milwaukee, or USM, is a private school that's somewhat expensive (at least for Milwaukee) and small. That means people usually go on to do "great" things, like live off their trust funds or, in my case, wish they had a trust fund while editing the greatest website known to human kind. Our matriculation rate (that's the rate of kids who go on to college -- for those who didn't matriculate and thus don't know) is normally around 99%, which is odd since we have less than 100 kids, which must mean a part of a kid didn't matriculate. We ARE from Wisconsin, so farming accidents DO happen from time to time. Anyways, that's my school.

MEET ALLIE LUCYK

Girls who enter porn are all different but, in the end, are all alike. They come from differing backgrounds, have differing degrees of psychological scarring from fucked up childhoods (anyone who's listened to the "Howard Stern" show knows this) and range from cute to fugly. But the one tie that binds all of them (Jenna Jameson included) is that they have as much sense as a tampon company for men. AKA they're fucking stupid.

That's the basic explanation for how a girl who comes from privilege and a good, Christian background can enter the seedy world of porn: no matter what their parents do, they can't change the fact that their hot lil' daughter has the intelligence of a retarded house cat.

Such, it would seem, is the case of 18-year-old Allie Lucyk (USM, Class of 2007). From everything I can gather on the young Milwaukee native, she had a stellar upbringing. Her parents are religious and athletic and both Allie and her brother were written up in the "Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel" for their athletic achievements. Her mother, Nicole Lucyk actually works at my school and is pretty hot herself (and seems pretty cool... from her bio page at the USM site, she claims she enjoys "running, reading, and attending Notre Dame hockey games and USM field hockey games").

Allie's name is listed on a Fox Point Church Youth Group newsletter in their "Happy Belated Birthday" section. This might seem like a red flag for some; "Ohh, she was raised super religious so she's rebelling by doing porn!" You might be right, but the Fox Point Church is, from all accounts one can find online, a rather tame and mild Lutheran Church rather than some sort of extremist "brainwashing" sect. I'm sure they don't encourage their parishioners to do porn, but I doubt her association with the church is the "smoking gun" we're looking for.

No, I really do think Ms. Lucyk is just a dumbass who couldn't do anything else. Why do I say that? Because anyone who finds themselves associated with young, budding porn impresario "Johnny Shoehorn" HAS to be a dumb ass.

 

MEET JOHNNY SHOEHORN 

How does a good girl turn bad? Usually when she meets a bad man. In the case of young Ms. Lucyk, that man was 26-yearold Chase Brown, AKA Governor Goodtimes, aka Johnny Shoehorn. Oh, I get it... like Jackie Treehorn. Good Lebowski reference... douche.

 

Chase runs a string of middle-core porn sites under the umbrella of Axis Adult and, from reading over a bunch of his posts on the Go Fuck Yourself forums, he seems like a Grade A douchebag (sample posting: "I met with the manager of Abercrombie today. I might work a few days a week at the womens Abercrombie in exchange for getting to sniff their panties after the shift. I'll keep you posted." ). The dude is textbook d-bag who gets extra horrible person points for posting pictures of his cock, without warning, on the GFY message board.

There's only one explanation for a rich girl with a good upbringing to veer into the darkside for THIS d-bag: she's a fucktard. But we're missing the big picture here, which, in this situation, is Ms. Lucyk's pr0n.

MEET PIPER FOX

That's Allie Lucyk's porn name. Which is funny because she's from a suburb of Milwaukee called Fox Point. I'm gonna make a wild guess here and say her first pet's name was Piper. She's a crafty one, that Piper Fox.

Anyways, you can get a look at the kind of "hottie" my high school produces by either checking out the very NSFW samples on her site or checking out some of the very, very NSFW backend galleries that are floating around. That's pure Wisco hottie, right there--small tits, botched eyebrows and a look on her face that says: "Oh Hai Dere, Farmer Jim!" If farmer Jim was a perv, that is. If you're a giant perv, you can sign up for her site and find some even more NSFW "pix" in addition to some "bating" vids.

And for those of you with REAL jobs (and who aren't sitting in their underwear in their Grandma's house), here are some safe for work shots of the underwhelming "hottie." 

WHY ALL THIS MATTERS

In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't. It's not like she's my sister or even someone I actually went to high school with. She's also not particularly hot. Not that she's a dog per se, but you won't be tracing my credit card # back to Axis Adult's records any time soon... this is for sure.

But finding out a girl who went to your high school did porn is still a very illuminating experience. It begins to put a face and a familiar backstory to those countless anonymous internet bitches you stroke to every day. If you knew that the chick you were handling your man meat to had the same history teacher as you, would that make you second guess your little game of "warm the sausage"... or you go all thermonuclear on your DudeWurst instead?

Who knows. Who cares. It's not like I found out someone I went to high school with cured cancer, or became the youngest professor in the history of UC Berkeley (wait, that happened... big ups Professor Chetty, who I actually DID go to high school with). 

What is the real significance of all of this? I now have a new subcategory in my porn bookmarks (right between "GILFS" and "Good Cum Guzzlers" is a freshly minted folder called "Girls Who Went To My High School"). I don't really feel vindictive or sad for Piper Fox. This is merely something of note. And, hey, maybe someone who went to YOUR high school did porno, too.