DV EXPOSÉ: Here's Why You're Not Famous

This is a random shot in the dark but you -- you’re not famous, are you?  I didn’t think so.  If it makes you feel any better (it shouldn’t), neither am I.  Let’s examine why together, shall we?

A disclaimer: this article only applies to 99.9% of the population. 

FACT:  There's a Lot of Competition 

Think of supply and demand.  There are well over six billion people in the world. Some people are born famous (the oddly-named biological children of celebrities) while others work for years to earn their footnote in history.  How many famous people do you think there are?  It’s hard to give an exact number, given that we all have different areas of expertise.  A sports enthusiast might recognize Ichiro Suzuki in the dairy aisle at the supermarket and completely miss Steven Soderbergh at the check-out.  And maybe Axl Rose is the bagboy.  In any event, there are thousands and thousands of famous people.  But even if there were a million legitimately famous people, there’d be about six thousand times as many ordinary people.  If there were an enormous roulette wheel with six thousand numbers, would you lay down a big bet on Red 1749? 

FACT:   Even Some Once Famous People Aren't Still Famous

Corey Haim’s fame, for example, has mostly been revoked.  Who the fuck is Gavin McLeod?  Quick, name one movie that starred Helen Hayes.  Get the idea?  This happens every so often.  You disappear from the business (whether politics, sports, or the arts) for too long and people either call you a has-been or it’s like you never existed.  Staying famous is nearly as hard as becoming famous. 

FACT:  Deep Down You Don’t Want to Be Famous. 

One of the most common fears for people is public speaking, and the number of currently living famous people who have gotten famous without having to speak in public can be counted on one hand (Teller from Penn and Teller is one example that comes to mind).  And between the constantly hounding paparazzi and the vicious scrutiny of the gossip magazines, who in their right mind would seek that attention out? 

FACT:  It Helps if You Can Do Something That Very Few People Can Do.

Like being able to hit more than 50 home runs in a major league season or being able to write a song that people can both dance to and admit to liking.  Oh, you can sing Sweet Adeline while your knee-pit harmonizes?  Well, appearing on “Stupid Human Tricks” doesn’t count as fame.   

FACT:  You Just Haven't Been Trying Hard Enough 

Despite everything else that’s been said here, if someone wants to be famous, they’ll find a way.  The problem is being famous for the reasons one wants to be.  You could increase already existing fame by being offensive in public (think Isaiah Washington, Don Imus, Michael Richards).  Or you could create a temporary flash of fame by committing a crime of unspeakable violence. Or you could make a sex tape with a married congressperson and see that it gets “leaked.”  These aren’t necessarily advisable paths, but each person has to weigh whether they’d rather be famous and hated or largely unknown and respected by their friends and colleagues.  All in all it comes down to priorities.  Also, being really good looking helps.  Really really good looking.