DV EXPOSÉ: An Introduction to Ladder Theory

If you've read your fair share of DV Exposes, you probably know that they each tend to debunk, disprove, and otherwise tear down different pieces of conventional "wisdom." 

Not this week.

This week, we look at The Ladder Theory, which is so tragically accurate in its descriptions of male-female relations, so nihilistic and logical, so utterly true that we simply had to share it with you before Valentine's Day. Before you rush out and buy your beloved a $200 piece of jewelry some kid in the Congo probably lost an arm for, just consider what Ladder Theory has to say on the matter.

Ladder theory seeks to explain sexual interaction in the most unapologetic way possible. Men, it states, are sex-driven assholes who prioritize looks and sluttiness over all else. Women are basically the same way, except money and power hold as much sway for them as physical attraction does. Men are pigs, women are manipulative bitches.

The theory's titular ladder refers to the way every human being, upon first laying eyes on a member of the opposite sex, immediately places them somewhere on their own sexual ladder. At the very top of the ladder are those whom we would do roughly anything to sleep with; on the bottom, people whom we would fuck whilst drunk but refuse to admit afterwards. In this sense, the male ladder has a sort of simplistic purity -- every single woman we run into is either on our ladders, or nowhere near them. We either want to have sex with them, or we have no interest in them whatsoever. When you mentally categorize your fantasy fucks -- "I want to fuck Sarah, but not as much as I want to fuck Lindsey" -- you are assembling your ladder. All men partake in ladder theory, whether they know it or not.

Women, on the other hand, have two ladders. One of their ladders is basically identical to the male ladder -- who she wants to fuck, and how badly -- but the other, much more nefarious ladder, is reserved for "just friends." Anyone on the sex ladder cannot possibly be a friend; anyone on the friend ladder will never, ever get to have sex with her. The female, two-ladder system makes things much easier on the woman, as she can get her financial and sexual desires filled on one ladder, while her sensitivity, comfort, and social desires filled on the other. In order to maintain this equilibrium of desire satisfaction, the woman refuses to tell her male acquaintances which ladder they are on until it is too late. Men attempting to jump from the friendship ladder to the sexual ladder will always, always fail.

With that in mind, what does our knowledge of the female two-ladder system have to offer us men? First and foremost, it undeniably proves that "nice guys" get blue balls. As the female has no need to satisfy all her personal desires using just one ladder, the nice guy who cuddles with the girl, listens to her problems, and remains supportive of her at all times, is only moving upward on a pointless ladder. The higher he gets on the "friends" ladder, the lower he will get on the "sex" ladder because females cannot be attracted to men who satisfy all their needs at once. They must fuck one guy, and become emotionally involved with another. This is a fact of their dual-ladder biology.

The other main thing which Ladder Theory teaches us is that the sole point of our existence -- the only thing which we ultimately live for -- is to move progressively up our own ladders. If a man sleeps with a girl on the third rung from the bottom, then his next lay must be on his fourth rung or higher; there is no point in moving down the ladder, as it results in no true progress. This should make one's sexual relationships, if not easier, at least more focused. If you're incredibly young, don't bother hitting on someone who might as well be a supermodel; you'll have nowhere to go but down for the rest of your life (what Superbad refers to as "Orson Welles syndrome").

Ladder Theory isn't a widely accepted piece of sociological science, but it fucking should be. There is not a woman on the planet who has just one ladder, nor is there a woman whose "friends" ladder is filled with heterosexual, sane men who are truly happy to be on it (unless she's butt-ugly). Similarly, all men (and if you're reading this website, I assume you won't be in a position to argue this point) prioritize physical beauty and a bone-able personality (this differs from male to male, of course) over all else where women take bank account, social status, and dickishness into account when choosing a mate.

Finally, a disclaimer: Ladder Theory has also been accused of being sexist and misogynist, which means it's true. If you wanna learn more about Ladder Theory, head to the official site and prepare to have every pessimistic idea you've ever had about the human race proven correct in an instant.