DIY: Build Your Own "Heist Team"

Ever wanted to rob a bank? Sure you have. Ever wanted to burgle the world’s richest man? Most definitely. Ever come up with a plan that involved lifting the Mona Lisa from the Louvre only to discover that it’s not in the Louvre, it’s being kept in the den of the world's richest man, and you should have grabbed it when you were at his place? Probably not: it is in the Louvre.

What I’m getting at is this:  of course you’d love to live a life of crime, but you just can’t do those jobs alone.  You need a full team to help you out, and it should be at least the size of an indoor lacrosse team.  What’s more, as I've learned from the dozen or so heist movies I've watched in the past few weeks, there are very specific types of people you need to recruit.  I’ve taken the liberty of assembling a team of clichés with whom you'll carry out your mission.  No need to thank me -- unless it's with money.  And no personal checks.

This guy is an absolute must.  You need somebody who can rewire any computer to turn off alarms, disable cameras, mysteriously rig roulette wheels, etc.  He also needs to be able to wear an ear-piece and yell, “Get the hell out of there!” from the safety of your van (you can borrow my van).  The guy I got for you types fifty words per minute.  Not impressed?  They’re binary words.  01100010 01101111 01101111 01111001 01100001 01101000.  That says, “booyah.”

She’ll come in handy.  She’s really good at convincing rich people that she’ll have sex with them in exchange for vault keys.  But then she doesn’t have sex with them at all, she ties them up and keeps their keys.  The girl I've got will bring her own rope.  And she kind of looks like young Jane Fonda.  Not too young, though:  think Hanoi-era.

This guy is great.  He's got a good sense of humor, and you'll be able to depend on him to defuse tension among team members.  He told me this story about how he, Hemingway and Castro rigged a fishing competition in the early 60s and won all the big cash prizes (see picture).  He’s good for emotional support too since he kind of looks like your grandfather but, unlike your grandfather, he won't lie to you about his alcoholism.

He’s got a great British accent (closer to Caine than to Olivier or Lennon), so most people take him pretty seriously when he says he’s a foreign businessman looking to store some money in a safe deposit box.  He’s actually hiding a gun, a bundle of dynamite and a small tea set in there. He also always wins arguments thanks to the accent.  People either don’t understand what he’s saying or they just assume he’s an authority.

For good luck and diversity.  Those other heist movie teams always have an African-American (sometimes even an African-Briton, if that's a term anyone uses) on the roster, and it always pays off.  Granted, in the movies he usually has a special skill, too, like he’s the demolitions guy, or he can pick the pocket of a man wearing a leotard.  The guy I've gotten can’t really do that stuff.  He’s actually the maître d’ at the Arby’s near my house.  But, he said he could drive a stick shift if the heat comes down, so keep him close.

You know, no matter how hard I looked, I could not find a fall guy.  I’m sure as you continue with this heist one will surface.  You need somebody who thinks he’s in charge of the caper when really he’s just the puppet of some outside person who assembled the team and planned the whole thing.  I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it, though.  You’ll be fine.

So, there’s your team.  Further details will be forthcoming.  Oh, make sure you tell everyone on the team that this is your last job.  Keep mumbling under your breath, “This is it... he won’t talk me into this again."  That way, no one will catch on that it’s actually your first time.  It’s foolproof.  Now go out there and make me proud.  I mean rich.  I’ll be here watching a live stream of everything you guys say or do.  Like a Big Brother, but without all the negative connotations.  Good luck.