Reports are that Federline is not fretting over his breakup with Britney Spears or his understandably lackluster album sales.

DDD knows why:

"Read between the lines.  This isn't about Federline.  It never was.  You're so naive.  Have you ever considered that for an agent like Kevin Federline, publically sucking, ruining a musical genre, and appearing to be falling apart both professionally and personally might be exactly what he wants?  I'm telling you that the man you know as K-Fed is a Russian Spy, Kevin Federov, and he's been intentionally lowering the bar in what the ex-KGB calls 'Covert Cultural Ops.'  Apparently, by sucking to a previously unheard of degree, he increases the liklihood that we'll settle for less in other areas, like education or missile defense.  He is just as big of a douche as he appears, however.  He's not faking that.  I hope I haven't said too much."

A flight originally intended for Dallas was forced to land in Nashville when a woman lit matches to cover up for the fact that she couldn't stop farting.  We didn't see the threat, but asked DDD anyway.

He disagreed:

"Ah, yes.  Maybe I don't give you enough credit.  You've got to be sharper than I thought to catch this one.  The woman you speak of was not lighting matches to cover up her farts.  You'd have to be incredibly gullible to fall for that old yarn.  No, she was farting to cover up the matches.  She had a bomb, Jack.  Another serving of cabbage and we'd all be crying right now.  Book it."





Right-wingers are up in arms over 37-year-old Cheney's announcement that she is pregnant with her first child.

DDD gives us the very low-down.

"Open your eyes!  You're barking in the wrong forest, Jack!  This is bigger than me, bigger than you, bigger than Cheney, and bigger than his lesbian daughter, probably bigger than all of us put together.  This is Area 51 meets Free Willy.  You put it together yet, Chief?  Look at a picture of Mary Cheney.  Notice anything, eh, inhuman about the forehead?  That's right.  She's giving birth to a beluga whale.  This is mega hush.  Mega hush.  It's for the Chinese.  I can't say any more."

Scientists are reporting there's an E. Coli outbreak in the New York/New Jersey area that started at a Taco Bell.

Our informant doesn't disagree with the news, but asks us to take a closer look:

"Taco Bell wants their customers to get E. Coli. Follow the trail, man. Taco? Mexican food…Mexican food leads us to Mexico…what do they have in Mexico? There are PYRAMIDS there, man! And no one knows how they got there.  But there's talk…that it was aliens.  This aint your grandpa's E. Coli, man!!! This is an ALIEN strain! Don't be surprised if people start taking floating poops…the writing's on the wall…the bathroom wall. Heavy."

Andy Dick, supposedly parodying Michael Richards, uses the "n" word onstage and has since found himself in his own swarm of controversy.

DDD sees things differently:

"Are you blind? Do you need glasses, people?! Michael Richards…Richard…Dick is short for Richard…Andy Dick…hello?! They're the same guy! His real name is Tom Leviathan and he's the grand wizard of the KKK. The media's not infiltrated with Jews! All the actors, all the studio heads, everyone…KKK members! Puff Daddy's famous Hamptons white party, where everyone has to wear white?! That's a Klan Rally!! Open your eyes, people."