03.18.08 From the Viking
Comedy List: What Did Heather Mills Deserve?
Written by DV Staff
Heather Mills was awarded about $50 million plus $70,000 per year plus nanny and school costs for the child she had with Paul McCartney. Given that she wasn't around when Sir Paul made his fortune, what should she have been awarded?
- A crowd of people to follow her and laugh at her original demand of $250 million.
- An automatic re-marriage to her first husband, the dishwasher salesman.
- A sense of gratitude for her sudden pop-cultural relevance.
- A perpetual ridicule machine.
- A second leg amputation.
YOUR TURN!
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#1 Killer
03/18/2008 15:08
A punch in the ovaries...
#1 Killer
03/18/2008 15:08
A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in the brain.
InglewoodJack
03/18/2008 15:10
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
InglewoodJack
03/18/2008 15:10
a hockey skate to the head, i.e. my avy.
InglewoodJack
03/18/2008 15:11
A full Beatles Discography.
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:13
She deserved to have to fight Yoko to the death.
Mark
03/18/2008 15:15
The rights to "Imagine"
Mark
03/18/2008 15:15
Awesome Avy Oscar
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:16
my nuts in her mouth
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:16
She has to fight
for her right
to parrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrty
for her right
to parrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrty
Steve
03/18/2008 15:16
Make love to Lukas.
InglewoodJack
03/18/2008 15:17
Awarded a brown digging to balance her gold digging. and by brown digging, i do indeed mean anal sex(very rough)
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:17
impregnation
Mark
03/18/2008 15:18
In-vitro fertilization............with Beatlejuice's seed
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:20
She has to walk around with a wooden stump, pirate style.
#1 Killer
03/18/2008 15:20
To be less ugly.
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:23
her first husband, the dishwasher salesman should get a new car, house, steak, and a blowjob (not by her though) And a box of cuban cigars.
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:24
shit mouth
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:24
Awesome avy, Oscar...
That slapping machine from that Japanese show set in the library...or for that matter, any of the acts in there, especially "Old Man Bites Tenderly"
That slapping machine from that Japanese show set in the library...or for that matter, any of the acts in there, especially "Old Man Bites Tenderly"
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:25
@ Mac...That avy has to be what you looked like last night, Mac...lmfao...sweeet!
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:25
a papercut on the clit
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:26
@ hitman, yeah pretty close, haha
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:26
That leg she's holding, attached to an engine so it perpetually kicks her in the ass, parading down a main street...
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:27
being the cup in 5 dudes 1 cup
Whale
03/18/2008 15:27
A slap in the face and punch in the baby maker
Basic living expenses
$20 bucks and a thanks for playing sticker
A bus pass and a hot pocket
Coupons for Pauls CD's
Coupons for a mattress (who uses these things anyway)
Basic living expenses
$20 bucks and a thanks for playing sticker
A bus pass and a hot pocket
Coupons for Pauls CD's
Coupons for a mattress (who uses these things anyway)
Lukas
03/18/2008 15:27
swift kick to the nuts
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:27
Being force fed that vegetarian food she hocks in the supermarket, after her asshole is sewn shut, of course...
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:28
a severe indian burn on her left forearm
Lukas
03/18/2008 15:28
having her uterus ripped out by a swarm of wild beetles
Lukas
03/18/2008 15:28
get it? eh?! eh?!!!
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:28
Forcing her to reveal whether she's a Terminator from the future, a la Oscar's avatar...
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:28
a blumkin
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:29
Whale's comments ftw!
"$20 bucks and a thanks for playing sticker
A bus pass and a hot pocket"
"$20 bucks and a thanks for playing sticker
A bus pass and a hot pocket"
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:29
@Lukas: ha.
Whale
03/18/2008 15:29
a big steamy one on her chest
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:30
Molested
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:30
Being forced to trim the ball hair of the remaining living Beatles...daily...
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:30
She has to give Ringo Starr Blowjobs everyday at noon.
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:30
...with her teeth...
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:30
have one of her ass cheeks surgically removed so she cant sit up straight
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:30
...while Simon Cowell commentates...
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:31
a hangover
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:31
...and that removed ass cheek is surgically grafted to her forehead...
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:31
tickled
Whale
03/18/2008 15:31
"I ssrewed over one of the Beatles" tattooed on her forehead
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:31
....to DEATH!
Whale
03/18/2008 15:31
*screwed
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:32
"ssrewed" huh?
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:32
Having to listen to Yoko Ono...to death!
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:32
razor blades implanted in her va jay jay
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:33
We all call her a terrorist and ship her to Guantanamo.
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:33
all the deaths in Se7en combined
MacGyver
03/18/2008 15:33
raped
Melissa
03/18/2008 15:33
Now she has to marry one of the Monkees and then he takes her for all that sweet sweet Beatles money, FINALLY they get revenge for being thought of as second rate Beatles!
Whale
03/18/2008 15:33
to be the villian in a daytime kids show forcing her to never get whatever prize shes after and be outsmarted by 5yo.s everyday
Whale
03/18/2008 15:34
HAHAHA! there we go! i vote Melissa's idea
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:35
LMAO@Melissa: "Hey hey we're the Monkees...people say we monkey around...but we're too busy singin'..." lmfao
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:35
lol@Whale: she'd be like a live action Trix Rabbit...
Whale
03/18/2008 15:36
to be animated into the trix rabbit and perpetually chase after something she can never get
Whale
03/18/2008 15:36
wow great minds and all that
#1 Killer
03/18/2008 15:36
Made to eat a dead baby...
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:36
I all know is that was a hard day's night, and I should be sleeping like a dog.
jibson
03/18/2008 15:37
to have to suck rich arab guys' cocks for money. hold on, i seem to remember her doing this in the past. change that to blowing donkeys for pittance.
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:37
hangovers
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:37
...or as my indian buddy used to say "hangups" idk why
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:39
lol@Oscar: did he also refer to push-ups as Push-overs?
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:40
hahaha. No, but he'd say "i am just coming" whenever he meant "I'll be back"
Whale
03/18/2008 15:40
Someone find a way to give her permanent withdrawl symptoms, you know the shakes crawlies headaches etc only no high to start it
Lukas
03/18/2008 15:40
you ever have a blumpkin? no not in a while
Matty
03/18/2008 15:40
scower her boobies off with a rusty SOS pad
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:42
electric. sander.
Matty
03/18/2008 15:42
mount her leg on the wall of my den aka. the sin bin
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:42
@Matty: Trophy?
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:43
drawn and quartered by the Chinese children that Apple employs
Whale
03/18/2008 15:43
have every beatles fan get to gave sex w/ her (no matter who)
Matty
03/18/2008 15:43
a block of Govt. cheese
coffee mug with "#1 grandma"
coffee mug with "#1 grandma"
Matty
03/18/2008 15:44
Of course a trophy
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:45
deez nutz.
Lukas
03/18/2008 15:45
why would we want to be punished by fucking that piece of shit
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:45
What would Marcellus Wallace do?
"What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggas, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly girl? I loved The Beatles. I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass."
"What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggas, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly girl? I loved The Beatles. I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass."
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:45
a lifetime subscription to LOLCatz Quarterly
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:46
LMFAO@Oscar...fuckin' brilliant...lol
The Hitman
03/18/2008 15:46
What would Batman do?
"Throw a batarang at her...and tie her up..."
"Throw a batarang at her...and tie her up..."
Lukas
03/18/2008 15:47
this bitch really riles me up. what a piece of shit she is. i hate any "destroy our idols" gestures in general but to steal dude's hard earned cash and attempt to paint him as a wife beater is fucking atrocious
Matty
03/18/2008 15:48
super glue her pizzle lips shut, proceed to fill orafice of head with MUNG, my bath water, Penzoil 10w30, etc. etc.
Sit back and enjoi the show
Sit back and enjoi the show
Lukas
03/18/2008 15:48
haha at OSCAR
Whale
03/18/2008 15:48
... well i dunno it sounded worse in my head (and im sure there are hard up nasty dirty mofos out there)
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:50
Whale, Your nastier than us all, be free, let it out!
mrjomorisin
03/18/2008 15:51
She has to edit the comment section of DV for the next 3 months
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:52
lol!
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:53
Mr mojo rising
jim morrison
yoda
Very deep.
jim morrison
yoda
Very deep.
Matty
03/18/2008 15:53
i think she should have to marry Matty, live happily with him for about 2 yrs, and then have him clean the fuck out of her account by a frivelous divorce, with said "marriage money" fly all of DV out to the cuntree for wind and cheese.
and he live happily ever after.
and he live happily ever after.
Matty
03/18/2008 15:55
wine and cheese****
hung over like a MOFO
hung over like a MOFO
Whale
03/18/2008 15:55
feed her slowly into a grinder then spread her as fertilizer over strawberry fields feed her said strawberries forever
Matty
03/18/2008 15:55
@ Oscar, I want your avy to kiss my wiener head!!
mrjomorisin
03/18/2008 15:56
Nope, my own anagram, not Jim's
Whale
03/18/2008 15:56
Do it matty!
Whale
03/18/2008 15:57
Explain to her that you "Cant Buy Me Love" but you can buy bullets
Whale
03/18/2008 15:59
Make her pick her money up as its spread down a street creating her own "Penny Lane"
Oscar
03/18/2008 15:59
Looks like she's in the sky with diamonds now eh?!
mrjomorisin
03/18/2008 15:59
Make her change her name to Eileen
Or make her work at IHOP
I know, I know....
Or make her work at IHOP
I know, I know....
Whale
03/18/2008 16:01
have her fight the stones and the monkees in a death match
mrjomorisin
03/18/2008 16:02
Or, have her fight Yoko with stones and monkeys in a death match
Whale
03/18/2008 16:04
have her earn the money by making porn, ... w/ rhinos
Oscar
03/18/2008 16:04
haha. She has to plant Strawberry Fields. Forever.
mrjomorisin
03/18/2008 16:07
See if she can get by with VERY little help from her friends
The Hitman
03/18/2008 16:09
test subject for Soylent Green...as an ingredient...
Whale
03/18/2008 16:18
strap on some Wings and shove her off a cliff
Mighty Thundercleese
03/18/2008 18:10
She should have to donate it all to the War Amps.
Matty
03/18/2008 19:50
The soldiers speakers aren't loud enough? We need to send them amps?
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