Comedy List: Things I'm Grateful For

Tatum O'Neal, who won an Oscar when she was 10 years old, has been quoted as saying she's grateful for being busted for trying to buy crack.  I'll bet she'd have been even more grateful for that crack, but that's beside the point.  What are you grateful for?

• The kick in the nuts that kept me from going home with that bridge troll.
• The throat slashing that got me out of jury duty.
• The overdose of heroin that kept me from doing more heroin because I was too dead.
• When I ran out of money at the strip club and couldn't get a lap dance.  Dodged a bullet there!
• The time my wife cut my junk off to keep me from going to a hooker.  Thanks!