Comedy List: Things a Drunken Pilot Says Over the Intercom

A recent report released by India has indicated that around fifty pilots every year are grounded before their flights for failing to not be drunk.  I can't judge you, Indian pilots – after all, American pilots have had their share of troubles with the booze.  Hell, I'm not even a pilot and I'm drunk right now.  But you have to believe some of these guys sneak through the screeners and fly.  What do you think they tell their passengers?

• Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  If you look out your left window, you will see the house where my cheating whore of an ex-wife now lives.
• We'll be experiencing some turbulence, because I've never done a barrel roll before.  Buckle up!
• Seriously, you guys are the best passengers.  I love you so much.
• This is your captain speaking.  Hahaaaaaaaaaa.
• Here's a little trick I learned during my time in Saudi Arabia.  Jus' kiddin'!