Comedy List: More Ironic Inventions

Apparently, TNT and RDX just aren't environmentally friendly enough anymore.  Fortunately, gigantic explosions are still fine, as scientists have begun to develop new, environmentally friendly bombs.  What other sweet inventions are just around the corner?

• Bullets that don't scratch paint.
• Prank dialysis machines that give you herpes.
  
• Potato chips that don't make you fat, but harden your arteries twice as fast.
• Racist robots.
  
• Cars that run on pollution and emit arsenic. 

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Comedy List: Things Not to Say While Fighting a Motorcycle Gang

You can make this "things to say" and it works just as well.  Basically, just anything funny that comes to mind while fighting a motorcycle gang is acceptable.  These things, though, will get you stepped on.

• Hey, is that a "Mom" tattoo?  Gayyyy...
• I heard that Suzukis are more fun to ride.  Like your daughter.
• Aren't you guys a little old to be kicking my ass?
• Your beard looks like ZZ Top on chemo.
• You know what rocks?  Roller blades. 

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Comedy List: Things Jose Canseco Does for Money

Jose Canseco is going to fight a random person for money.  This person will be paid $5,000, and all the proceeds of the fight will go to his ex-wives, or overdue steroid bills, or whatever Jose Canseco needs the cash for today.  What else is Canseco doing for the scrilla?

• Allowing fly balls to bounce off of his head and over the fence for a home run.  Oh wait, that's what he used to do for money.
• Allowing balls to bounce off of his head and into his mouth for five dollars.
• Selling his blood to Jason Giambi, who can't get steroids the normal way anymore.
• Renting his giant face out as a billboard. 
• Groveling.

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Comedy List: Buried in an Earthquake

Not to make light of the earthquake in China or the 50,000 people who apparently have died as a result, but you have to admit that in spite of the Earthquake, China is still a vast reservoir of jokes waiting to be mined.  Here's hoping the mine doesn't collapse on me, because there's not a damn thing that China would do to get me or anybody else out.  It seems that "30 sources of radiation" were buried by the earthquake.  What else is sitting beneath the rubble?

• Democracy.
• Faith in the structural integrity of Chinese buildings.
  
• My restraint from making jokes about the earthquake.
• The high-powered rifle that would have been used to murder me for making these jokes, hopefully.
• The Chinese Earthquake Generator.  Oops!
  

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Comedy List: What Will It Take for Hillary to Bow Out?

As the Democratic Presidential primary continues to drag on in spite of the fact that everyone outside of the Clinton campaign has ceded victory to Barack Obama, one has to wonder what the junior Senator from New York is waiting for.

• She just wants what everybody wants:  a blowjob.
• She'll stop when she sets the world record for creepiest wide-eyed gape-mouthed grin.
  
• She made a 100 million dollar bet that she'd last 'til June.
  
• She's waiting for Obama's pastor to say something crazy.
• Nothing.  She's just that bitter. 

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Comedy List: Endless Litigation

Recently, in Virginia, a baby was subpoenaed for an unpaid chiropractor bill.  Set aside for a moment the fact that the baby actually did go to the chiropractor.  Don't let it make you insane.  Focus on the fact that someone's suing a baby.  In the unending spool of unnecessary court cases, what's next?

• Woman sues flowers for aggravating her pollen allergy.
• Dog detained for public urination.
• Grandma sued for "stinkin' up the joint."
• Man held for questioning in case of frightening women with inhumanly large balls.
  
• DV sued for fatal awesomeness. 

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Comedy List: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Che...

...but were afraid to ask.  Steven Soderbergh's Che biopic, which will screen next week at the Cannes Film Festival, is slotted to clock in at a gargantuan 268 minutes (four and twenty-eight minutes for the division-impaired).  I don't believe that that much information about Che even exists.  He has to be making things up to fill up at least two of those hours.  So what's the new scoop on Che?

• He once sat in a pond for a very exciting two hours.
• It's basically just him and Castro singing barbershop numbers.
• The first hour and a half he's in search of the perfect hat.
  
• Two hours worth of speech impediment jokes.
  
• He was in a three hour plane/boat/segway chase.  Can't cut that out.
  

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Comedy List: Newly Acceptable Beliefs

The Vatican announced that it's OK to believe in aliens today.  What else will we soon be told is fine to believe in?

• Killing some things is OK.  For example:  people.
• Once you turn 60, you're only part human.
• If you have webbed feet, you're gay.
  
• Dinosaur bones weren't planted by the devil.  But dinosaurs were all rapists. 
  
• Priests should be allowed to marry, but only with other priests. 

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Comedy List: Things I Keep in My Car to Throw at Bad Drivers

OK, maybe I'm the only one who does this, but it's not enough for me to just flip someone off.  I want to hit their car with something. I'd just hit them myself, but car is too expensive ($130).  So what can I throw on their car?

• A bag of d*cks.
  
• Stickers with gangland graffiti on them.
  
• Assorted zygotes.
• Balloons filled with urine painstakingly collected from syphilis hospices.
• A friendly look or a grenade, whichever's handier. 

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Comedy List: Other Signs From God That The World Is Ending

Earthquakes. Tornadoes. Hillary Clinton. All are apparent tragic events wrought upon us by God as signs of the End of The World. But those are the obvious signs. What about the smaller clues from the Lord that the world is coming to an end?

•Beer prices go up
•Jenna Jameson retires from porn
•Living with your parents is suddenly "uncool" (what gives?!)
•They said you weren't going to pay a lot for that muffler... but you DID

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Comedy List: Pandemic Time?

A Canadian train has been quarantined after a woman who may have boarded the train with flu-like systems died and ten other passengers fell ill during the journey.  What's going on here?

• Typical Canadian diversion from their plan for global curling domination.
• Somehow a picture of Amy Winehouse's mouth got around.
  
• I don't know, but I know who does:  Jeremiah Wright.
  
• 11 people 1 cup 1 malicious strain of e. coli.
  
• Eli Porter diiiid it.  He's the best, mane. 

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Comedy List: Other Names for Prison

The joint.  The clink.  The big house.  Federal PMITA Prison.  All perfectly good euphemisms for prison, but since nobody uses them, they're all obsolete.  Time to come up with something new.

• Shiv City
  
• Showerdome:  Two men enter, one man and one bitch leave
• The Ass Jungle
  
• The House that Anally Raping Convicts Built
  
• Wesley Snipes' Home

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Comedy List: Stuff You Reveal In Your Memoir

In Barbara Walters' memoir "Audition," she reveals she slept with a married, black senator. You better one up her, son! What does YOUR memoir reveal?

•You can see dead people. You can smell them, touch them and, occasionally, taste them, too.
•You ghostwrote "I Can Believe I Can Fly," blindfolded, with your left hand.
•Cindy Crawford is the mother of your children. She's also your mother. She's also... your daughter!!
•Your biggest regret? You invented the concept of "Last Call."
•OJ's right... he didn't do it. YOU did.

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Comedy List: STD Cures

A new papillovirus vaccine has been tested on mice.  "We already have a vaccine for that," you say.  Yes, we do... but this one's a nasal spray!  What's next?

• Knowledge of having AIDS cured by "special" tequila.
  
• Everyone with syphilis is murdered.
• Gonorrhea treated with series of medical BJs.
• Gatorade quenches herpes.
  
• Sex up one of them science mice.  They got cures and such. 

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Comedy List: Why Is Fergie Popular?

She's a mediocre singer.  She ain't pretty.  Her lyrics sound like they were written by Nelly's feces.  So why are her records so immensely popular?

• Everybody can relate to a funked-with heart.
  
• Going to Taco Bell = street cred.
  
• Her face makes everyone feel a little prettier.
  
• Who?
  
• Peeing your pants makes you cool.  Consider her Miles Davis.
  

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Comedy List: Cuba Libre!

For the first time in history, personal computers are going on sale to the general public in Cuba.  Welcome to 1980, Cuba!  What other technological marvels are you planning to integrate into your hyper-futuristic society?

• The lever.
• The inclined plane.
• The pulley.
• Fire.
• Trials before executions.

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Comedy List: New Names for Lesbos

The people of the island of Lesbos are suing a gay group over use of the term "Lesbians."  I'd like to submit a counter proposal:  we keep calling gay chicks lesbians, and you take one of these names for your island.  You know, so people don't get all confused.

• Hermaphros.
• Bisexus.
• The Island Where Women Exclusively Have Sex with Other Women and Never Men.
• The Place Where I Suspect My Girlfriend Might Feel at Home.
• Rugmunch. 

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Comedy List: Garage Sale!

Tough economic times have people turning to craigslist and eBay to make ends meet.  What are you selling to tide you over 'til the next paycheck?

• My broken counterfeit money machine.
• A bucket of shattered dreams.
  
• Anything but the Wii.
  
• The copper piping from my neighbor's house.
  
• Rhodes scholar semen NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
  

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Comedy List: Names for Your Balls

Balls.  Nuts.  Nuggets.  These are all good, but they're getting a little tired from overwork.  We need some new names for our crotch gophers.  Let's hear 'em.

• Cannon wheels.
• Banana clips.
  
• Chowder biscuits.
  
• Grandpa's legacy.
  
• Chin ornaments. 

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Comedy List: Roger Clemens' Secrets

With a public image still reeling from the steroid/HGH scandal, recently re-retired Roger Clemens is now dealing with loud rumors of a ten-year affair with country "star" Mindy McCready -- an affair which began when McCready was not famous and fifteen years old.  What else will we learn about The Rocket?

• He got a BJ from Marilyn Monroe. 
• He's a spy from the future, and his arm is an actual rocket.
• He's a scientologist.  And he's gay.  He's Tom Cruise. 
• Water is his weakness.  Right, M. Knight Shyamalan? 
• Fifteen years ago he consulted with David Copperfield on how to make his dignity disappear.

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