Comedy List: Buried In The Backyard

Live World War II bombs were found buried in the back of an Orlando school. Ouch!  What could be buried in YOUR backyard?

•Paris Hilton's dead body
•Pirate's Booty (the snack food)
•The twin brother who died at birth your parents never told you about
•The retarded brother who was buried alive your parents DID tell you about

YOUR TURN!

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Comedy List: Things a Drunken Pilot Says Over the Intercom

A recent report released by India has indicated that around fifty pilots every year are grounded before their flights for failing to not be drunk.  I can't judge you, Indian pilots -- after all, American pilots have had their share of troubles with the booze.  Hell, I'm not even a pilot and I'm drunk right now.  But you have to believe some of these guys sneak through the screeners and fly.  What do you think they tell their passengers?

• Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.  If you look out your left window, you will see the house where my cheating whore of an ex-wife now lives.
• We'll be experiencing some turbulence, because I've never done a barrel roll before.  Buckle up!
• Seriously, you guys are the best passengers.  I love you so much.
• This is your captain speaking.  Hahaaaaaaaaaa.
• Here's a little trick I learned during my time in Saudi Arabia.  Jus' kiddin'!
  

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Comedy List: Let's All Make Fun of the Dutch

This is great:  Swiss railway workers have had to change the color of their vests from orange to yellow after Dutch soccer fans became confused and followed them onto the train tracks.  Apparently, Dutch soccer fans wear orange, and also they can not see train tracks.  Got any other fun facts to invent and share about the Dutch?

• They named themselves the Dutch after that 1991 Ed O'Neill movie.
• They actually only meant to legalize oregano.
• Nobody knows why, but Dutch ears can't hear words longer than three syllables.
• They can not distinguish the difference between rocks and cheese.
• The average Dutch head is 20% larger than the global average.  Also, it is 100% more filled with water. 

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Comedy List: Crazy Fetishes from the 1920s

With the proliferation of the internet, we know about more crazy fetishes than we ever thought could have existed 20 years ago.  Maybe it's the rapid spread of information that's keeping today's perverts pushing the cutting edge of filth.  At any rate, there had to be something similar going on 90 years ago.  People were still having sex, right?  So what else were they getting off on?  What was craaaazy back then?

• Hats.
• Chewing gum.  Hotsie totsie!
• Ephraim T. Fangledangle's Cure-All Revitalizing Tonic.
• Sass mouthin'!
  
• Chicks blowing horses.  Some things never change.
  

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Comedy List: Predictions for Obsolescence

With the hot new gas craze sweeping the nation, General Motors has halted its plans to redesign its SUV and truck lines, a sign it's shifting its resources toward more fuel efficient cars and -- hopefully -- passenger lasers.  So it would seem that SUVs are fast becoming obsolete.  What else is going the way of the dodo?

• People who immediately comprehend "obsolescence."
• Pointy sideburns.
  
• The color mauve.
  
• Juggling/jugglers.
• Lasers that can not be ridden into town like a white-hot pony.
  

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Comedy List: Places to Hide Your Drugs

Simple enough today: a woman in Norway was arrested after customs officials decided her wig was a little too bulgy.  Why was it so misshapen?  It was holding all her cocaine.  With giant wigs out of the question, where are you hiding your stash?

• In a condom in a shampoo bottle in my ass.
• In someone else's bag.
• In someone else's wig.
  
• In my merkin.
  
• In my lungs. 

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Comedy List: The Wonders of Science

Scientists at the Smithsonian revealed today that they have successfully reversed a vasectomy on an endangered horse.  If they think this is going to distract us from the fact that they gave an endangered horse a vasectomy, they're sadly mistaken.  What other marvels does science have up its sleeve?

• They can totally reattach your legs after they cut them off for no reason.
• They can turn dead people into flesh eating ghouls.
• Through an amazing new process, gasoline can be transformed into sand. 
• Fart-flavored after dinner mints. 
• Saving the California Condor by feeding them California Condor omelettes.
  

 

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Comedy List: One Sentence Break-Ups

You're in a long term relationship that you have to get out of.  What you need is a short-term break-up line.  Something that will get you out of the situation and on with your life as soon as possible.  What can you say?

• I thought you were someone else.
• I have all the herpes.
• Did I ever tell you about the time I stole your identity?
• Yes, all of that cow porn is mine.
• I am gay and a vampire. 

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Comedy List: Extreme Hangover Cures

Alka-seltzer?  No.  Drinking a lot of water the night before? Oh no.  We're going to need something a little heartier to deal with this hangover.  Any suggestions?

• Explosive decapitation by elephant kick.
• Heroin.
• A medically induced coma until such a time as the hangover has gone.
  
• Surgical implantation of brain-ice.
• Punch a baby.  But not a girl baby, you puss. 

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Comedy List: What Will Sean Connery Reveal in His Memoir?

Retired from acting to the point where he couldn't even wave to the camera in Indy IV, Sean Connery is set to release his memoirs this week.  So what are we going to learn about the old Scotsman?

• Goldfinger was autobiographical.  Also, Highlander.
• His beard is sentient.
  
• Often awakens to strange women trying to shave his eyebrows.
  
• Invented Scotland.
  
• Has a notch on his bed for every woman.  Has 20,000 beds.
  

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Comedy List: What to Say When You Get Caught Having Sex in the Church Confessional Box

Oops?  I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do that?  If you're the people to whom this actually happened, you repent and apparently all is forgiven.  But you can't forgive away a priest's memories...

• Father, forgive me for this.  And this.  And this.  And this...
• Let me cover the dry cleaning on that curtain.
• Hey, she likes to be choked, and the rosary was right there.
  
• Oh, come on.  Like you don't do this all the time.
  
• On the bright side, at least she's not a little boy. 

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Comedy List: Things Cash Warren Thought As Alba Gave Birth

When you've impregnated one of the hottest women in the world, your mind has to be a maelstrom of activity.  That is, unless you're Cash Warren, in which case you're probably thinking along one of these lines:

• I guess I should probably kill myself.
• Well, it's all downhill from here.  And by downhill, I mean thank God for no pre-nup.
• At least I don't have to pretend I like those Fantastic Four movies anymore.
• I wish I had more fingers and toes.  I've been 20 years old forever.
  
• I wonder if this kid will have any talent?  Haha... nahhhh! 

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Comedy List: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

The people who sell you your food are deciding one by one that the recent spate of tomato-related cases of salmonella aren't worth dealing with the world's worst fruit.  What other movie titles do you hope won't come true in unexpected ways?

• The Grapes of Wrath
  
• SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2
  
• Santa with Muscles
• The Apocalypse
  
• Dr. Strangelove: or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
  

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Comedy List: Things to Say to Get the Bartender to Pour You One More

Everybody's gotten to that point where you're not sitting up straight enough on your stool to get the bartender to slide another brew your way.  Alright, maybe not everybody -- but I have.  Let's have some suggestions for things you can say to get him or her to change their mind.

• I have pictures of you.  And dogs.  Lots of pictures.
• I know where you parked, and I'm leaving first.
• I'll sue you for discrimination, you bastard.  Please?
• You greedy bitch.  Gimme a beer.
  
• I swear I'll murder you to death. 

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Comedy List: Keeping Cool

The summer is now official.  Alright, it's not officially summer for a few weeks, but we're cracking triple digits across the country.  What I mean to say:  it's effing hot.  How are you keeping cool?

• Dipping my nuts in Hillary Clinton's icy mood.
  
• Making sure I stay hydrated with a virgin's blood sacrifice to abate the Sun God.
  
• Putting off all activities until the night, which is when I do most of my grave-robbing anyway.
  
• Get a garbage can.  Fill it with ice.  Get inside until a hobo walks by, then knock him unconscious and sell his kidneys for an air conditioner.
• I live in outer space.
  

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Comedy List: What's Next for Hillary?

Now that Obama officially has the nomination locked up, how is Hillary Clinton going to be spending her time?

• Watching Bill like an effing hawk.
• Getting her oil changed, a few gaskets replaced, then back to the Senate.
• Having a crazy-face-off with Jim Carrey.
• Evading sniper fire. 
• You may think her campaign is over, but she's only begun running for President... of Liberia!

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Comedy List: Things I'm Grateful For

Tatum O'Neal, who won an Oscar when she was 10 years old, has been quoted as saying she's grateful for being busted for trying to buy crack.  I'll bet she'd have been even more grateful for that crack, but that's beside the point.  What are you grateful for?

• The kick in the nuts that kept me from going home with that bridge troll.
• The throat slashing that got me out of jury duty.
• The overdose of heroin that kept me from doing more heroin because I was too dead.
• When I ran out of money at the strip club and couldn't get a lap dance.  Dodged a bullet there!
• The time my wife cut my junk off to keep me from going to a hooker.  Thanks! 

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Comedy List: Reasons I Didn't Watch the MTV Movie Awards

Apparently, a bunch of people watched Mike Myers host the MTV Movie Awards as if it was 1997.  So why didn't I?

• Have better things to do.  For instance:  drinking poison.
• Have seen the trailer for The Love Guru.
• Remember when MTV launched MTV2 to play exclusively music (like MTV was supposed to do), and then within 5 years they'd completely corrupted that concept and turned MTV2 into a faux-alternative clone of MTV?  Me too.
• Waiting for the VH1 Movie-tastic Best Movies Ever of 2008 Totally Rad Awards.
• Busy getting beaten up by a Chinese army dude.  Did I mention I'm a monk?
  

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Comedy List: Name Brangelina's Kids

Angelina Jolie just had twins.  Now's your chance to contribute to history by naming those little bastids.

• Skanktropolis and Mr. Balls
• Captain Planet and The Planeteers 
• Viking and International Babe of the Day 
• Kid and Play 
• May[tag] and Sam[sung] (naming rights auction) 

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Comedy List: Movie Taglines for Illnesses

Every movie has a tagline.  Jaws 2:  Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water.  Who's Your Caddy:  This summer, it's the street vs. the elite!  Weekend at Bernie's:  A lively comedy about a guy who isn't.  Whoa, sounds like a barnburner!  But what if we tried to spruce up diseases the same way?

• AIDS:  One monkey.  One man.  One plan.
• Alzheimers':  The holidays just got a whole lot more interesting!
• Ebola:  This summer, everything bleeds.
  
• SARS:  From the people who brought you Bird Flu.
• Lou Gehrig's Disease:  It took your muscle control... and it's not giving it back! 

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