CD Reviews for Deaf People

As a normal human, I've always found it to be distressingly unfair that deaf people can't enjoy music.  I mean, music is one of the most awesome parts of being alive.  The right or wrong music, appropriately timed, can enhance or utterly destroy any mood.  The right song at the right moment can make a car ride seem like a fucking rock opera.  Conversely, the wrong song or combination of songs can practically force a couple of kids in Colorado murder their classmates (sorry, video game haters:  it actually was mostly Marilyn Manson's fault).  But essentially my thesis is this:  deaf people need to be educated on the greatness of certain albums and artists and the horribility of others.  And I'm the perfect one to do it.  After all, when I cover my ears, I can pretend I'm deaf.

Michael Jackson - Thriller

This album is great!  I totally understand now why he's called the King of Pop.  It starts off with this song with a lot of drums.  I won't describe those to you, because you can feel them with your heightened other senses.  I swear, those heightened other senses are amazing.  It almost makes me wish I was a deaf.  BUT THEN, Michael Jackson starts singing all crazy, and I'm really glad that I can hear.  The next few songs are more of the same.  They're really catchy and you can really sing along with Jacko if you can hear what he's saying.  I'm sure nobody will notice if you just lip synch "watermelon" over and over again, though.  But you should still try to match up with your normal friends or you might embarrass yourself.  I give this album one and a half ears.

Led Zeppelin -- IV 

My mom once told me there are two kinds of deafs:  there are people who become deaf during their lifetime, and there are people who are born deaf -- the ethnically deaf.  I think both kinds of deaf people would really like this music, but especially if they could hear it! 

The first song is named "Black Dog" after that great truck driving movie with Meat Loaf and Patrick Swayze.  And it doesn't bring any shame to the movie at all, which I think all deaf people will agree is an enormous compliment.  The lead guitar riff is so amazing, it's like the audio equivalent of having sex with a bucket of pure lust in the backseat of a holy fuck-wagon.  The rest of the songs are pretty sweet, too.  There's one song, "Stairway to Heaven," that starts off really slow and soft then gets loud and fast.  And the guitar is all, "Tweet twoo tweet tweet tweet twoo tweet tweet tweet twoo tweet twoo do do do."  It's great!  And the drums... well, you know.  I give it one and three-quarters ears.

Nas -- Illmatic

This is one of the best rap albums I've ever heard.  I mean, I just started listening to it, and it's like every lyric is classic.  Whoa, there goes another great one!  Man, that line he just said was incredible!

The beats are really versatile.  Some of them are really cold.  What I mean by that is that if they were a liquid they would almost certainly be a frozen liquid.  And some of them are really hot.  Whoa!  Don't get burned!

But the lyrics!  I just heard one that was so good, I swear it just changed my life.  This album rules!  Two ears!

The Beatles -- Abbey Road

Before I review this one, I have a quick question for the deaf readers out there:  can you fly or anything?  Anything to make up for the deafness?  I mean, I know you can, like, taste sounds or whatever (I don't know how you take in sounds exactly), but is there anything else that compensates for the inability to hear?  Daredevil is blind, but in the comics, he has no problems kicking ass.  I think it's pretty much like that with deaf people and music.  But I'm still helping!

This album isn't very good at all.  Totally overrated ;)  Totally earless ;)

Beck -- Odelay 

This is another one of my favorites.  I think it's safe to say you've never heard anything like it before.  If I had one complaint about this album, it's that I always listen to it too loud and it makes my ears ring for hours afterwards.  I can't help it, though, it's just that good.  I like it when the thing goes, "OoOooooOOOOOOh.  OOOOOh.  OOOOoooooooOOOOO!"  That's probably my favorite part.  Two more things I like about this album are that I have no idea what any of it means, and the cover.  It's like a dog but it's also a mop handle, and I know you deafs have to love that!  Two big sensitive ears!

Miles Wann is a freelance writer who dreams to someday work for Rolling Stone and teach deaf people how to sing better, because no offense, but the way they do it now isn't very good.