Bullet Points: Top 7 Side-Scrolling Beat 'Em Ups of All Time

 

7. Final Fight 

The plot: Mayor Mike Haggar's daughter, Jessica, is kidnapped because he would not work with Mad Gear to ensure their dominance of the streets of Metro City. So what does a former ex-wrestler do when his back is against the wall? He calls up his daughter's boyfriend Cody and his sparring partner Guy to head into the streets to bust some Mad Gear skulls.

Awesome because: It was a very simple game to play. Two buttons for mashing, and if you hit both buttons at once you performed an "uber-manuever" that pretty much cleared the screen of all the baddies. Yes, this was a tried and true story of rescuing your kidnapped girlfriend, but folks, let it be known that this was a story of love. The love for pure unadulterated violence! Oh, and don't forget the bonus levels where you got to destroy a car for no good reason. Yippppppy!

Side Note: I hated playing this game in the arcade, but only because I was a poor kid growing up. You only got two lives with each quarter! Fucking bastards would make you fight a 100 guys at once, and to add insult to injury they would tie dynamite to your character to suck more quarters out of you because they knew you weren't going to just let him blow up. Bastards.

6. BAD DUDES vs. DRAGONNINJA

The plot: 

President Ronnie has been kidnapped by the ninjas.

Are you a bad enough dude to rescue Ronnie?

That right there says everything you need to know about this amazingly "gritty" game. Yes, it may have seemed liked your typical beat 'em up from the 80s, but this game was so much more. 

Awesome because: Easy. For starters:  the boss fights, which included all sorts of colored ninjas, a dude who looked like Shredder and the legendary fire-breathing Karnov. And if you managed to kill any of these bad ass bosses, the Bad Dude would raise his fist in the air (ala Rocky) and yell, "I'm bad!" That line is probably the single greatest victory quote in the history of gaming.

Side Note: If you happen to love Van Damme movies, this game is definitely for you. Every single pose/fighting stance is straight out of a Van Damme movie. 

5.  River City Ransom

The plot: We follow two high school students -- Alex and Ryan -- as they attempt to rescue River City High and Ryan's girlfriend Cyndi from the clutches of a villain called "Slick" and his gang of students.

Awesome because: "BARF!" That's what the enemies would yell when they were defeated. Best part of the game is clearly the amount of weapons. You can hit people with them, throw it at them, or use your weapon to deflect incoming weapons! You can also kick boxes and tires at people, or ride them - up to you. Hell you can even pick up bodies and use them as weapons! River City Ransom was the first beat 'em up that introduced RPG elements that included character customization. There's nothing like beating a video game with a supposed splitting image of your 6'2", 200 lbs., and strikingly good looking self. 

4. Golden Axe 

The plot: You could play as one of three characters: Gilius Thunderhead (dwarf), Ax Battler (male barbarian) and Tyris Flare (amazon). Each of the three warriors are bent on revenge against the tyrant, Death Adder. Death Adder has taken over the land of Yuria. Death Adder has the Golden Axe, which he plans to destroy unless all the people of Yuria bow to his will.

Awesome because: One of the first beat 'em ups, if not the first, to allow mounts. Yep, you could mount fire breathing dragons if one were so inclined. Bad ass. Another point of awesomery was boosting your health and magic. In order to do so you had to beat up the little guys who were giving them to you.

Side Note: Who wanted to be the dwarf? This was the only game I played growing up where I'd choose a female character over a male.

3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time

The plot: Krang, Shredder and the gang steal the Statue of Liberty while April O'Neil is reporting live from Liberty Island. The Turtles then pursue the Foot on to the streets and the city sewers (then to the Technodrome in the SNES version), where Shredder is waiting to send them through a time warp. You then have to fight Shredder and his army in both the past and the present.

Awesome because: It broke the golden rule of typical beat 'em ups. No girlfriend was kidnapped. Unless you consider the Statue of Liberty your lady lover. Playing this game in single-player mode is definitely fun. But playing this game in multi-player mode is face raping awesometastic. A friend said it best, "Few moments in gaming are as great as picking your favorite turtle, teaming up with a friend, and beating the shit out of Bebop and Rocksteady." I couldn't agree more. Many would conclude this game as the greatest beat 'em up of all time, but they are wrong...

2. Double Dragon 

The plot: (According to Wikipedia)

The story of Double Dragon is set in a post-apocalyptic version of New York City, five years after a nuclear war, where gangs and criminal organizations have taken control of the city. The protagonists are Billy and Jimmy Lee, the titular duo and the successors of a fictional martial arts style known as Sou-Setsu-Ken (loosely based on Jeet Kune Do). One day, Billy's girlfriend, a student named Marian, is kidnapped off the street and the Lee brothers receive a message from her captors, the Black Warriors, demanding to known the secrets of Sou-Setsu-Ken in exchange for her release. The Black Warriors are the largest criminal organization in the city, led by machine gun-toting crime boss Willy Mackey. In the NES version of the plot, Willy is apparently only a figurehead, while Jimmy is the true boss (the "Shadow Boss" in the English version).

Awesome because: 1) It was the father of all beat 'em ups. It allowed for co-op which instantly turned the genre around and made it the most exciting type of game in any arcade. 2) A movie was made of it. 3) The airplane level. It's so amazing that Double Dragon was almost catapulted to the #1 slot on this list because of it. No level in any beat 'em up that followed was ever able to top it. 4) Honestly, if you had to make a nostalgic arcade cabinet what would it be? Yeah, I thought so.

Side note: I don't know anyone, when hearing the name Double Dragon, who doesn't react with, "Dude, what about when you had to fight your friend for the girl at the end!!"

1. Streets of Rage 2

The plot: (According to the manual)

According to the game's Instruction Manual:

This time it's personal

One year had passed since ex-police officers Adam Hunter, Axel Stone and Blaze Fielding had broken the Syndicate's hold and destroyed it's leader, the mysterious "Mr X". Peace had returned to the streets, people were moving back to into the once vacant city neighbourhoods, and the city had returned to prosperity.

On the anniversary of the Syndicate's destruction, Adam, Axel and Blaze met at their favourite nightspot to commemorate the occasion and catch up on the latest news. Both Axel and Blaze had moved out of the city; Axel working as a bodyguard, and Blaze teaching dance.

Adam had rejoined the police force, and moved to a small house on the edge of the city with his kid brother. The three celebrated until late in the night, and made plans to meet at the same place next year.

As he was planning to check out of his hotel the next day, Axel received a frantic phone call from Eddie "Skate" Hunter. He had arrived home from school to find the place a total ruin. He'd called the police department, but nobody there had seen or heard from his brother since early that morning.

Both Axel and Blaze rushed to Adam's house. Windows had been shattered, furniture smashed. Stuck on the remains of the splinted front door was a photo: Adam in chains lying at the feet of a man they knew only too well.

Adam's disappearance marked the beginning of the nightmare. Criminal elements swarmed out to reclaim the streets. Gangs roamed the parks, and bomb-wielding bikers made the roads deadly to travel at night. Beatings and lootings took place regularly and in broad daylight. Chaos reigned in the city, far worse than before.

Axel and Blaze tried to contact their old friends at the force, the ones who'd provided backup with heavy artillery. But everyone they knew had either been fired or transferred elsewhere. This time the Syndicate was in complete control and the two ex-cops were on their own.

Assisted by Adam's brother Skate and Axel's friend Max, Axel and Blaze set out to rescue their friend and destroy Mr X once and for all. Standing in their way is the nastiest collection of punk and brawlers ever assembled. Add to that a force of professional fighters specially groomed to take them out of the picture!

As one of the 4 young vigilantes - or together with a friend - you'll battle with your fists and feet, and attack with whatever weapon you come across, as once more you walk the Streets of Rage!

Awesome because: Blaze without her jacket was hot. 'Nuff said. Okay, yes, obviously this glorious game had additional cool points. Like the ability to play with four very balanced characters, who all specialized in different moves. This is a game that has held its game play value over the years because it still poses a challenge to any sort of gamer, thanks to the "mania" difficulty setting. Streets of Rage 2 is fast and ferocious even with the up-beat porno music blasting in the background. All of these qualities only solidify the fact that Streets of Rage 2 is truly the apex of all side-scrolling beat 'em ups.