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05.07.08 From the Viking

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> Bullet Points: The Ten Human Sized Villains Who Can Kick Your Superhero's Ass

Written by Lucas Haberstich

Superheroes are accustomed to being victorious.  The colorful bastards always show up just in the nick of time to kick bad guy ass, thwarting the schemes of super-villains who seek nothing more than a front page headline and some ill-gotten gains to roll in back at their secret abandoned warehouse headquarters.  It's a rough life being a supervillain.

And it can be even rougher if you're not a towering, indestructible powerhouse of a supervillain and a superpowered jerk shows up at your crime.  Superbully just wants to impress his non-prostitute girlfriend, Charles Atlas kicking sand in the face of an average (evil) joe.  But there's no reason why the underdog can't man up and use the natural or unnatural skills they possess to knock the A-hole down a few pegs.

The hero expects to win, but here, in no particular order, is a list of ten normal-sized supervillains who say, "Enough is e-goddamned-nough, I'm done being a punching bag. Let's see how you like it."

 

Graviton 

How do you fight a guy who controls gravity with his mind?  If you're Graviton, you don't, because you ARE that guy. 

Primary Enemy:  The Avengers

Graviton can mentally control gravity after a science-experiment-gone-wrong.  He can mentally control gravity.  Why would this physics nerd even bother engaging in fisticuffs with a hero?  All 'Gravy Train' needs to do is think and gravity releases its grip to leave hero-man asphyxiating outside Earth's atmosphere or squeezed to bloody paste in a gravity sandwich.  Heavy stuff.

 

Tether Tyrant 

Tether Tyrant makes Leather Strap Man look like Twine God.

 

Primary Enemy:  Invincible

Happy in his work as a hired thug, there's nothing happy about getting your ass handed to you by some punk teenaged hero.  And, since Tether Tyrant can independently control each of his thirty chest-protruding, elongating tendrils, it's easy work for him to completely immobilize a do-gooder foe before bashing him into submission against the ground.  And all the hero can do is wonder what strange Lovecraftian horror has him in its grips before he loses the fight and consciousness.

 

Bullseye

Bullseye:  because it takes guts to fight a blind guy. 

Primary Enemy:  Daredevil

Bullseye is a psychotic killer who cannot miss his target. He knows every pressure point and vulnerable spot on the body and can throw anything from knives to paper airplanes at your hero with deadly accuracy. He literally has a target carved in his forehead, but chances are good that whatever's in Bullseye's reach will spill his challenger's blood before they can touch him.  Bullseye!

 

Nekra

Nekra is the master of understated attire. 

Primary Enemy:  Spider-Woman

I love Nekra and she hates.  In fact, by harnessing her violent emotions (especially hate), this pigmentally-challenged goth gal's skin becomes blade-shatteringly hard and, at the peak of her rage, she can lift ten tons.  And as one can safely assume that garishly-dressed, moral fiber-filled protagonists incite a deeply-felt hatred in her heart, her emotions are sure to get the better of her... opponent.

 

Taskmaster

Taskmaster looks like Skeletor, but fights like He-Man.  Or Skeletor.  Depending on whether he's fighting He-Man or Skeletor. 

Primary Enemy:  The Avengers

Truly, truly badass.  Taskmaster runs the schools that train all those faceless henchmen that work for all the other supervillains and evil organizations. He makes a good instructor as his 'photographic reflexes' allow him to copy the physical movements of others instantly.  Imagine the egg on your hero's face when he throws a punch at Taskmaster who dodges with one hero's agility before laying el hero flat with a copy of his own punch.  Beaten with your own style -- choke on it.

 

Toad

Toad may be the most devastating ball kicker in Marvel history 

Primary Enemy:  The X-Men

What hero wouldn't need to suppress a chuckle when faced with this guy?  Sad, ugly dork with the worst taste in colors this side of Captain Ultra.  But Toad can jump, which means superpowered legs, folks.  All Toad needs to do is get ahold of the hero with his sticky hands (it's a power!) and start aiming those feet at spandex-clad superjunk.  Just pray there are no on-lookers or they'll be clawing their eyes out at the sight.

 

Anaconda

You know Anaconda's a badass just because that gill surgery had to be painful. 

Primary Enemy:  Captain America

Only a stupid hero would mess with someone crazy enough to get herself genetically altered with the ability to elongate and constrict her arms like a snake in addition to surgically-installed gills.  If Anaconda (real name is not the expected Anna, it's Blanche) gets her arms around a hero, her arms can crush them utterly.  Failing that, she can plunge her captured prey into a body of water, staying under while the hero drowns while doing the amphibian tango.

 

Bookworm

Bookworm only appeared in one issue of one comic ever. That's all he needed. 

Primary Enemy:  Sleepwalker

It's a slow night on patrol and there's been a break-in at the library.  The hero bursts in and finds this greasy kid poring over thick tomes (eww).  "Easy bust," thinks the cocky superjock, but thinking is really more Bookworm's thing.  He opens a mythology compendium and draws upon the power of words to generate a pantheon of the most powerful ancient gods who obey his every whim and deliver a furious god-stomping on the head of an illiterate hero.  Bookworm then opens up the Bond novel Goldfinger and has Pussy Galore on his wide, footprinted back.

 

Bomb Queen

Bomb Queen, previously known as Bomb Archduchess 

Primary Enemy: Wedgies 

Bomb Queen already has a step up on the supers.  She's the benevolent dictator of a city that has banned superheroes entirely. A skilled fighter and explosives expert with DNA altered to give her the ability to throw 'energy bombs' at will, any hero entering her timezone has an equally good chance of being exploded or groped by this nasty city official.  Heroes would be wise to just step off their pedestal, skip the fight, and watch the pornographic videos that star Bomb Queen.  Unless they like an exploded head!

 

Captain Cold

I am Captain Cold.  Ice to meet you.  Ow, my pride. 

Primary Enemy: The Flash

Ah, the tech-dependent supervillain.  He stumbles onto a powerful bit of science, but the only application he finds for it is weaponry.  Supervillainy imitates life.  Captain Cold is 'The Man Who Mastered Absolute Zero' and his cold gun freezes whatever it hits to absolute zero.  That's cold.  If he set it to small bursts, he could freeze and shatter a hero one vital bit at a time until they were nothing but a frost-burned torso he could write his name on while saying something like, "Superhero? More like Superzero! (laughter optional)".



Supervillains kick ass.

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There are 34 comments so far:
joe
05/07/2008 09:29
apocalypse?
Lukas
05/07/2008 09:41
he's not human sized... durrr
Lukas
05/07/2008 09:41
buuuuttt... dr. doom?
Whale
05/07/2008 09:48
not human sized

Task master is awesome, beats the whole avengers, no physical powers to speak of. Trivia question for the day. How did Deadpool beat Taskmaste, at their first meeting in Taskmasters school? (This isn't in Wiki, just to show the level I'm geeking at right now)
Whale
05/07/2008 09:49
next fight club Apocalypse Vs. Thanos
Moncho
05/07/2008 09:53
Yeah totally, what about Doom? The High Evolutionary? Magneto? Joker? Actually, why are most of your pics such obscure characters? And is the Tether Tyrant being there a joke?
Whale
05/07/2008 09:56
Magneto had potential epic qualities, tearing the adamantium from wolverine, possibility to control the very iron in your blood, etc.
Whale
05/07/2008 09:57
the whole Avalon asteroid thing
Mark
05/07/2008 09:58
^^^^What about me? Cletus Cassidy will tear you apart and leave you bleeding in the street for all to see
Whale
05/07/2008 09:59
ill hang out by a church bell wussy
The Hitman
05/07/2008 10:00
Agreed...I am shocked to see Doom and Magneto not on this list...
@Whale: Apocalypse vs. Darkseid would be pretty good too
joe
05/07/2008 10:00
apocalypse is relatively human sized
http://www.marvel.com/universe/Apocalypse
height 7' weight 300lbs....how big is shaq???

thanks ;)
Whale
05/07/2008 10:02
thought Apo. was bigger than that...
Whale
05/07/2008 10:03
well not doom from the movie but doom from the books yes
John
05/07/2008 10:19
Doom is essential, and Magneto could possibly be the most powerful being on the planet. His power is magnetism, which is actually the basis for gravity and many other physical forces in the universe. In short, he can bend time and space. And Tether Tyrant? I think anyone who routinely gets their shit obliterated by their nemesis should not be on the list. Especially when he has not put up a good fight once.
joe
05/07/2008 10:20
yes most people think apoc is much larger, but i'd consider that human sized, a LARGE human, but not unheard of by any stretch
Scopi
05/07/2008 10:26
whale I don't know the answer to your question since I never got into comics. so I'll patiently wait for the answer (b/c I really don't have anything else and I loved the comics that I did read)
The Hitman
05/07/2008 10:31
Whale: he beat him by dancing like an idiot.
Whale
05/07/2008 10:37
*DING DING DING* way'ta go Hitman! i didn't think anyone else read that.
joe
05/07/2008 10:46
yeah i distinctly remember the macarena being mentioned, he abandons his usual fighting tactics and just adlibbing dance manouvers......kung fu ala lionel ritchie i believe was the key
Whale
05/07/2008 10:59
tallkiss is for herpes riddled retarded ex-cons who have the rudimentary knowledge of how to impregnate farm animals.
John
05/07/2008 11:00
Come on sissy, stop being a cunt!
joe
05/07/2008 11:02
yes whale i did not originally read the question as i was attempting to prove apoc's meeting the requirements of human stature
Bear
05/07/2008 12:28
I think you just made these villains up. The only ones I've heard of are Captain Cold, Toad, and Bullseye (and they are all fucking lame).
James
05/07/2008 12:36
Deathstroke, bitches. And Lady Shiva, too, for that matter.
Mighty Thundercleese
05/07/2008 14:09
Toad!?! WTF! Way to pick the X-Men's most pathetic villain (although they somehow made him nearly cool in the movies). Magneto, Dr. Doom, Ultron, Lobo (although he's sort of a hero depending on who he's fighting), any number of Superman villains (I know Lex Luthor is getting kinda played but he's still pretty badass, Bizarro maybe...). How about the Dark Phoenix!? Damn guys, the hero list was good but this list suck-diddily-ucks.
The Hitman
05/07/2008 14:29
Mr. Sinister would've been a cooler pick than Toad...
Nick
05/07/2008 16:48
@ Lucas, Apocalypse can change size at will so he could be man sized
C3Judgement
05/07/2008 17:17
To answer Whale: Deadpool beat Taskmaster b/c he doesn't have a style, he just kicks ass.

BTW three of these villians suck... Deadpool has easily kicked Anaconda's and Taskmaster's asses, and is friends with Bullseye.

Bullseye is more a merc than villain.
Ben
05/07/2008 17:34
C3. In the first arc of Thunderbolts, Bullseye tells Osborn about how he'd just killed a father and little boy with the stick from the popsicle that the little boy was eating. His only regret, waisting the popsicle. That sounds pretty damned villainous to me.
MisterThePlague
05/07/2008 17:59
Molecule Man could take out everyone on the heroes and villians page
Moncho
05/07/2008 21:06
I think majority has spoken, this Bullet Points entry is full of complete fail.
Lukas
05/07/2008 22:59
aw... it was lucas' first article tho, give the dude a break
Lukas
05/07/2008 23:09
sissy's been banned btw

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