THE COOKIE SANDWICH LIGHTER

 

 

 

You know what would be a great innovation in cigarette lighting technology? A sleek-looking model that can light cigarettes upside down. That's exactly what the Cookie Sandwich Lighter is! Nah, it's not. It's just a lighter. In the shape of a cookie sandwich. Which makes the fact that someone went through the trouble of taking out a patent preposterous. Because you only take out patents as security on innovations you fear might be stolen by someone else. And I'm fairly certain there's only one guy in this universe who's had the idea of a Cookie Sandwich Lighter. And that's the guy taking out the patent.

COMBINED COSMETIC DEVICE AND VIBRATOR

 

 

 

The idea of a combined vibrator/cosmetic case would sell very well. The pure novelty of a compact a gal could shove up her hoo ha would push a few ten thousand units. Which makes the mockup of the "Combined Cosmetic Device and Vibrator" all the more insane. Rather than a tiny vibrating makeup case, the device is an enormous and jagged edged behemoth. Which end is up? Where does my girlfriend put her va jay jay? And most importantly, where do the eyebrow pencils go?

DEODORIZER FOR CIGARETTE BUTT COLLECTION CONTAINERS

 

 

 

I love this one because it's a useless invention that serves as an add on to another basically useless invention. Those cigarette butt containers are already preposterous...why can't you just throw your butts away? And don't tell me that'll start a fire...dude, just put the cig out. And then some inventor decided to make those cig collection things smell good. Whooopiee! Here's a suggestion...a Cigarette Not Smoking Machine.

METHOD AND APPARATUS FOR BLOCKING CONTENTS OF PORNOGRAPHY ON THE INTERNET

 

 

 

Hey inventor, didn't anyone tell you...the internet is FOR porn. The "apparatus for blocking contents of pornography on the internet" already exists. It's called the "off switch" on your modem. Short of that, good luck. Even if you manage to block every single porn site, there's always google image search, porn spam messages, erotic ascii art, etc. etc. I also love the technical terms for all the parts of the apparatus ("porno similarity measure," "reference porno DB," "porno determine"). Ahh, the ever elusive science of porno.

SEMEN COLLECTION APPARATUS

 

 

 

Now here's an invention we've been waiting for. Once you're done beating off, where does that semen go? Why not inside an apparatus?! Sure, a woman's face would be warmer. A tissue would be cleaner. But there's nothing quite as precise as an apparatus. And when I'm looking for a place to dispose of my jackulate, I want precise.

TRACTION APPARATUS FOR THE PENIS

 

 

 

Leapfrogging from the shoulders of the last device, we've got the "Traction Apparatus for the Penis." I'm not gonna lie...I have no idea why a penis needs traction. I mean, if anything, I'm trying to make sure Joey (that's my penis) is completely devoid of traction. I prefer it that way.