04.02.08 From the Viking
Bullet Points: The 7 Least Manly TV Show Themes
Written by Eddie Machado
We all watch shows with our girlfriends. It's usually an unfortunate event that is hardly ever entertaining. Some shows are watchable but there are a select few where it's nearly impossible to get through the opening credits. A select few that will literally turn you into a woman if you watch the whole thing. We celebrate these crimes against men with a list I creatively call "The 7 Least Manly TV Show Themes".Sex and the City
Ask any man. As soon as you hear that little jingle, you're balls retract into your body and you can literally feel your estrogen levels rise. The show is essentially all about women trying to get laid. It would be nice if any of them were remotely attractive. The opener goes down in un-manly history due to its focus on Sarah Jessica Parker wearing a tutu in the streets of Manhattan. Are you gagging yet?
Two and a Half Men
I don't know who convinced Charlie Sheen that singing some kind of show tune to start his show would be cool. The first time I saw it, I burst out laughing. It turns out that was the only laugh in the show. What's worse is that they have the teenage kid singing with the voice of a woman. I'm sure that's not going to cause any gender issues down the road.
Golden Girls
Think "Sex and the City" meets "your grandmother and her friends" and you've got the Golden Girls. Not only is this theme a ballad of womanly friendship, but it's littered with creatures who are old enough to have invented fire. I'm also pretty sure one of them has a penis. I can't put my finger on who though...
Maude
Punky Brewster
Punky Brewster's opening theme song is on the list thanks to the heart-warming song in the opening credits. I could let the 80's writing and the many, many random hugs slide, but the song is just terrible. I dare you to walk into a bar and start singing it to your buddies. A beating will surely ensue. Besides, the actress that played Punky Brewster ended up getting breast reduction surgery and nothing is more an affront to manliness than breast reduction. Nothing.
Jem
Do I really need to explain why this one made the list? Jem is outrageous alright. Outrageously unmanly. The only way this show could be any more unmanly is if it featured Bruce Willis wearing a dress.
Facts of Life
Normally, a house full of mischievous teenage women wearing short skirts and talking about boys would sound like a great idea. This idea hits a snag once the girls gain about 10-20 pounds between each season. In fact, I think you can watch them slowly getting bigger through the opening credits.
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Matty
04/02/2008 16:11
Perfect Strangers
Matty
04/02/2008 16:12
Small Wonder
Matty
04/02/2008 16:12
Silver Spoons
Matty
04/02/2008 16:13
Cheers
it's just kind of a gay song
it's just kind of a gay song
Matty
04/02/2008 16:15
Side note: I was set up to go on a date with Soleil Moon Frye (punk brewster) and I completly flaked out on it!!
joe
04/02/2008 16:42
you coulda made her keep the titties matty...damn you
side note, my dad and i have a running joke where when we're talking about a gay dood or a "metrosexual" asshat we say they grew up watching jem.....had to be there i guess
side note, my dad and i have a running joke where when we're talking about a gay dood or a "metrosexual" asshat we say they grew up watching jem.....had to be there i guess
Mark
04/02/2008 16:42
I want some Moon Frye's LOL
Matty
04/02/2008 16:46
I know Joe!!! To this day I'm still pissed about. I tell my wife "ya know, you could be Punky brewster, instead of you!"
joe
04/02/2008 16:47
kids incorperated
mickey mouse club
my little pony.....ugh i'm still scarred from spending a few weekends at my grandparents' house with my cousin when i was young....she watched the worst shit in the world....
mickey mouse club
my little pony.....ugh i'm still scarred from spending a few weekends at my grandparents' house with my cousin when i was young....she watched the worst shit in the world....
Mark
04/02/2008 16:47
Doogie Hauser
joe
04/02/2008 16:48
"ya know, you could be Punky brewster, instead of you!"
lmmfao...that's awesome matty
lmmfao...that's awesome matty
Mark
04/02/2008 16:59
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit (Lukas the wire) Mark is out!
Lukas
04/02/2008 16:59
smallwonderis awful
Whale
04/02/2008 18:04
doogie is gay, completely true, maybe it was his shows themes song? the world may never know...
Lukas
04/02/2008 19:38
his theme song is pretty gay
Eric
04/02/2008 21:02
don't talk shit about doogie...
Eric
04/02/2008 21:02
i've said it before and i'll say it again, NPH turned gay because he just ran out of women to fuck.
Whale
04/02/2008 23:20
sorry eric never heard you say that before, but seriously he is, so its not really "shit"...
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