Bullet Points: Seven Killer Chinese Recalls

By Erik Amonson & Lukas Kaiser on May 13, 2008 - 4:00 pm | Permalink

And we're not even including the infamous Total Recall recall of 1987 when bootleg Chinese copies of that movie were found to be… exploding.  Here, though, are the seven recalls of Chinese products that will have you buying exclusively Korean.

 

Yum, dumplings are always better with some Chinese insecticide.

The last time I got Chinese food delivered, there was (and I'm not kidding here) a grasshopper in the fried rice. It's been a good four months since I ordered Chinese food. Maybe some overzealous Chinese food advocates heard about my plight, because this past February, insecticides found in batches of Chinese dumplings triggered a massive, 12 ton food recall in Japan.
 
Nothing quite brings out the flavor in D-grade Chinese pork like insecticide. Sure, a bunch of people got sick and a little girl went into a coma... but at least here weren't any insects. Am I RIGHT, people!?

 

If you've ever had a baby (I haven't), you know that the last thing they want is cold food or a cold bottle (is that true?).  Enter Munchkin Inc., a California-based company thrilled to present you with the latest technology in baby bottle and food warming, the aptly named Munchkin Inc. Baby Bottle and Food Warmer.  It seems perfect, right?  Too perfect.

Your instincts are correct, because an even more appropriate name for this device would be the Munchkin Inc. House Incinerator.  It seems that the Chinese manufactured product was not content with simply heating baby food and aspired to heating up entire neighborhoods.  Fortunately, nobody was ever actually injured by one of these, but can you imagine if they were?  Man, that would have been hilarious.

 

Oh, you wanted toothpaste?  I thought you wanted DEATH.

Last June, Dollar Store shoppers everywhere were shocked to find out the nickel-a-tube Chinese toothpaste they've been using might not be all that good for them. In fact, this wonderful toothpaste might have a dangerous poison in it that's normally found in antifreeze. I know a lot of glib, cynical motherfuckers would take this opportunity to say "You get what you pay for!" But it's my understanding that Anti Freeze is more expensive than tooth paste. In which case, thanks for the bargain, China! 

 

The Chinese tires don't hold together very well

Last summer, federal officials ordered the recall of almost a half million tires imported from China after they learned that the manufacturer had discontinued a process that kept the tires from separating.

Separating.  As in, coming apart.  While you drive.

I'm not entirely sure this was a wise move.  We Americans are natural thrill seekers, and probably would have relished the chance to tumble down a ravine after our tires decided to go back to being strips of rubber.  I mean, if it sounds fun, it probably is fun, right?

 

China is trying to make our kids waterheads by feeding them lead paint.

One of the earliest Chinese recalls was the lead paint toy recall. Now, let's face it... if your kid is putting his toys in his mouth, he's pretty retarded. If you see an action figure and think "food" rather than "doll," your problems aren't gonna end with a little Chinese toy recall. Regardless, it's still pretty creepy knowing that the Barbie doll your son is fondling might make him as sick as a project housing baby raised on the Sherwin-Williams diet. Also, what about us adults who like to play with toys? And when I say "play," I mean "use to stimulate our anal g spots"? China, you make me sick! 

 

China hates our pets, and they tried to poison their gluten

It seems fairly obvious that China doesn't want us owning pets. 

In April of last year, the FDA blocked all wheat gluten from Xuzhou Anying Biologic Technology Development Co. after an investigation showed that their lots of gluten were tainted with the chemical melamine.  Melamine was, not-so-coincidentally, the chemical responsible for causing kidney failure in a number of pets across the country, and which resulted in the pet food recalls of the previous months.  It's not clear how much if any of the gluten found its way into the human food supply, nor is it clear exactly how the melamine -- a chemical you'd expect to find around plastic manufacturing -- got into the gluten in the first place.  One thing that is clear, though, is that China fucking hates cats and dogs.  They hate them.  And they'll stop at nothing.

 

China made some killer blood thinner, heparin. 

The Chinese are great at making cheap, effective blood thinner. Oh wait, blood thinner is a medicine? I thought it was some shit we used on "evil doers." Ah, never mind then. That shit sucks.
 
The recalled blood thinner, Heparin, was problematic because of a classic case of Chinese switcheroo -- rather than deliver raw heparin, the crafty Chinese "scientists" cut it with chondroitin sulfate, a cheap product made out of PIG INTESTINES that KILLS PEOPLE. Ah, no one will be the wiser. 



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