Bullet Points: Nine Great Presidential Campaign Gaffes

Written by Erik Amonson & Lukas Kaiser

These days, it seems like every election is decided by some minor slip-up blown impossibly out of proportion by the media.  It seems that way because it's true.  But the past decade doesn't have the market cornered on damning Presidential election mistakes.  Here are our favorite nine.

• William Henry Harrison Flips It For Real -- The 1840 election between incumbent Martin Van Buren and General Harrison was marked by some of the more hilarious smear tactics ever employed.  To wit, Van Buren's men referred to Harrison as "Granny Harrison, the petticoat General" and speculated that, as an old man, he'd be more comfortable sitting "in his log cabin drinking hard cider" than serving as President.  Well, first of all, by all accounts, being the President is a tough job.  It's hard work.  I'm suspicious of the man who wouldn't rather drink hard cider regardless of cabin type.  Second, Harrison immediately co-opted the imagery of the hard-cider drinking cabin habitant for his campaign, and it was a hit.  Van Buren hand-delivered his enemy the perfect set-up; Harrison nailed down the punchline.  Harrison naturally went on to win the election, but Van Buren had the last laugh as Harrison, who was the oldest man ever to be elected President, became the shortest-serving President as well when he died after 31 days, as old people will do.

• Horace, You Can't Win an Election That Way -- While Harrison waited until after he'd vanquished his foes to kick the bucket, in 1872, Horace Greeley violated the first commandment of winning politics:  thou shalt not die whilst the votes are being tabulated.  Although Greeley realistically didn't have a chance against incumbent Republican and Civil War champion U.S. Grant, he certainly screwed the pooch by quitting essentially on the finish line.  After his poorly-timed death, Greeley's electoral spoils were divided up between four competitors.  Quitters never win, Horace.  Especially when they quit via death.  Unless the game is, "Who Can Die Fastest?"

• Herbert Hoover's Decision To Run -- When you preside over a nation as the president during its biggest economic crash and then serve for three more years after that, chances are, you're not gonna get reelected. This is something a reluctant Herbert Hoover must've thought about before he ran for reelection in 1932. Hoover was so unpopular during the election he received several death threats (one involving dynamite) and was pelted by fruit and eggs. Needless to say, he lost to FDR (who went on to serve over three terms as president).

• Nixon Plays a Wino on TV -- This is actually always exaggerated.  That is, when most people tell the story of the 1960 presidential debate, they present it as if Kennedy rolled out looking like Brad Pitt from Fight Club, tore his shirt off and breakdanced on top of a swarm of bikini models for a half-hour while an unshaven Nixon rolled back and forth behind him in a pool of his own urine.  In reality, the visual difference between the two -- though Kennedy wore makeup and Nixon did not -- was far more in their mannerisms and body language (in black and white, you can't tell if it's urine).  To put it politely, Nixon looked like a date-rape waiting to happen.  He was overly earnest and glowered at the camera while Kennedy sat back with his legs crossed and his hands folded, thinking about the blowjob he'd just gotten and the one he'd receive immediately after the debate.  So while Nixon's mistake is generally cast as refusing the image-related advice of those around him, really what he should have done is avoid TV completely, because he was a creepy-looking guy, and the camera is not kind to those types.

• Gerald Ford Doesn't Believe In Soviets -- "There is no Soviet domination of Eastern Europe and there never will be under a Ford Administration." The famous last words of Ford's campaign for reelection. They were uttered during a live televised debate with Democratic nominee Jimmy Carter (who was still years away from his own election mishap).  Ford proved two things with his statement: he was unfit to be president and the people out there are a lot smarter than they get credit for. Or they were, at least, until they elected George W. Bush twice. Yeesh.

• Jimmy Carter Brought The Hostages Home... After He Lost -- Here's a tip for any incumbent running for office: don't let any Americans get kidnapped during your campaign. Too bad President Jimmy Carter didn't have the luxury of  knowing this election boo-boo during his 1980 campaign against Ronald Reagan (not that he could really help it). In October of 1979, Iranian militants who had just taken control of their country ransacked and seized the US embassy in Tehran and kidnapped 52 Americans. The "hostage crisis," unfortunately for Carter, stretched through his entire Campaign for reelection. The fact that he hadn't brokered their freedom clearly helped his opponent, Ronald Reagan, secure the White House. Ironically, the Carter administration brokered the hostages freedom AFTER he lost the election. But most everyone credits Reagan with freeing the hostages because they returned to the US the same day he was sworn into office as President. Whoopsie!

• Michael Dukakis' Tank Top -- When you're running against the vice president of an extremely popular White House, it's a good idea to try to project strength.  For Michael Dukakis in 1988, as is the case with many candidates, the means to project that strength sat with the military.  So, it was probably to the surprise of no one when Dukakis sought out a photo-op with a tank, perhaps the strongest and manliest of all the mobile artillery.  What was sort of a surprise, though maybe it shouldn't have been, was how hilarious the diminutive Massachusetts Governor looked in a uniform and a war machine.  For some reason, the American people couldn't visualize as their Commander-in-Chief a man who was clearly being beaten to death by his own eyebrows.  Should've stayed out of the tank, Mike, and behind a podium... on top of a stack of telephone books, preferably.

• George Bush's Supermarket Surprise -- George W. Bush, during the 2000 election, painted himself as a man of the people, the guy you want to have a beer with. In the end, that didn't help him govern our nation, but it certainly helped him win. And he pretty much knew presenting himself as a guy in touch with the common folk would work... because his dad lost the 1992 election, in part, because he was seen as grossly out of touch. The classic moment of that election that most news outlets repeated ad nauseam was when Bush attended a technology convention while on the campaign trail. With journalists surrounding him, Bush proceeded to be "amazed" at a demonstration of a supermarket scanner, as if he had never seen one before (like, he had never had to buy his own groceries before... because he was NOT one with the common man). While the event may or may not have actually happened as described, it was damning and heavily reported upon. In response, the Clinton campaign amped up their "I feel your pain" message and Bush the first was left high and dry.

• Howard Dean's Aneurysm -- It may not have happened during the direct run-up to the general election, but how could we possibly leave this out?  It's the syllable that's synonymous with a Presidential campaign overheating and melting down before our eyes.  It's the moment that made "Howard Dean" a verb meaning, "to have a sudden psychotic episode, to merge with the forces of crazy and be forever changed by them."  And it's what we think of whenever someone starts listing states.  Yeaaaargh, indeed, Mr. Dean.  Yeargh, indeed.

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Lukas

02/05/2008 09:37

happy super tuesssday

Mark

02/05/2008 09:39

Vote John McCain and save a life. If Obama or Hilary get elected they will be assassinated within a year. Food for thought

Lukas

02/05/2008 09:44

The mooore you knowww

#1 Killer

02/05/2008 09:47

Really, vote McCain? Of ALL people? He's the worst...At least if you vote Hillary or Barack, you know what to expect...A super-liberal democrat...Or if you vote Romney, you get a semi-conservative republican...But McCain?! You end up with a poopy moderate under the guise of conservatism...BLAH!

jibson

02/05/2008 09:47

i am so bloody annoyed with the primaries, it's constantly in the British news, I'll be mildly interested the day of the actual election.

#1 Killer

02/05/2008 09:47

Needless to say, I'm less than impressed with the options this election...

Lukas

02/05/2008 09:50

yeh, but he's simply saying, you save hillary or obama's lives if you vote mccain, because they'll be assassinated. eddie murphy and chris rock seem to agree, as per their stand up routines

Mark

02/05/2008 09:50

Oh I really dont give a fuck killer to be honest.....just vote white male LOL

John

02/05/2008 09:52

same here killer. Plus the Dean scream is hilarious every time I think about it

#1 Killer

02/05/2008 09:52

HAHA @ Mark

Ok, well, I suppose I can appreciate that then...thanks for looking out for the well being of others, Mark!

Mark

02/05/2008 09:58

Yo get this, my birthday was yesterday, I took the day off obviously because you fucks prolly only laughed like 5 times the whole day(ego-maniac?) but the topper is that they had a party in my honor at work, WITHOUT ME!!!! what this shit is that?

#1 Killer

02/05/2008 10:05

If someone can promise that Hil or Hussein will be executed after being elected, I'll vote their way. :)

Tim

02/05/2008 12:01

Tim

02/05/2008 12:02

I think the trafic sign said it best. Monica's Boyfriends's Wife, President?

(Ron Paul Spam Here)

mrjomorisin

02/07/2008 10:47

The dude with the neck hair looks like someone's Aunt Selma, or maybe just my Aunt Selma

mrjomorisin

02/07/2008 10:50

Hey Mark, That waas one KICK ASS B'day party you threw, Thanks For inviting me.
Sorry 'bout puking in the flower pot.
I promise I'll do better next year.

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