The Inheritance Card

Yes, it's sad when you lose a loved one.  But if you're getting cash on the deal, it's not all bad, right?  Hallmark should at least be giving us the opportunity to look on the bright side of personal loss -- monetary gain -- with a series of cards celebrating all the stuff you'll score.  Besides, not everybody likes their relatives.  Here's an example:

The Mother's Day Card for Orphans

Just because your friend doesn't technically have a mother doesn't mean he can't celebrate Mother's Day.  He just can't celebrate it as Mother's Day.  You can at least help him think he's special by sending him a card to commemorate the fact that, for him, it's more than just another day.  It's also a day on which he gets a card.

The "You Might Want to Get Yourself Checked Out" Card

So you've got herpes all over your balls and you don't know how to tell your last few sex partners.  First of all, nice job, Ball Herpes.  Second, write to Hallmark and demand that they help you out, and then also demand that they pay us for the rights to this undeniably great idea.  Patent pending, Hallmark.  How much is avoiding this conversation worth to the average person?  You could charge ten bucks a card, easily.

The Intervention Card

So you've set up what appears to be a big surprise party for your addict friend/co-worker/brother/uncle/favorite actor.  The only problem is that nobody wants to tell this person that this isn't the kind of party he won't remember the next morning -- this is the touchy emotional wrecking-ball known as an intervention.  Let the card do the talking, and the person doesn't change, he's not dissing you, he's just dissing the card.  But you can still beat him up for crashing his car into your house.  Alternately, you can use this card to replace a real intervention altogether.  How much is a clean conscience worth?

The Hillary Clinton Card

There comes a time in every Hillary Clinton presidential race when Hillary Clinton has to stop running for president.  For that occasion, we've developed a card to supply the subtle hint that maybe her candidacy is not as viable as she seems to think it is.  Any unsold inventory could be stored for 2012, 2016, and whenever she wears out her welcome in New York.