Bullet Points: Bruce Bowen's 9 Greatest Hits

You see, he knows what most of the players in the league either haven't figured out, or he's simply more willing to use this knowledge than they are.  That knowledge, of course, is that NBA officials have so much to watch on the court that they can't keep track of the feet of a defender all the time, particularly feet as sneaky as Bowen's.  Not all of these offenses are purely foot-induced, and not all of them are really sneaky -- some are just fucking mean -- but they are all funny.  Bruce Bowen is a great defender.  He's also a dick.  I've separated his offenses out according to victim.

Chris Paul

We'll lead with this one because it just happened yesterday, and also because it'll get you in the proper mood for the rest of the list.  If you have any doubt that Bruce Bowen is kicking and tripping people intentionally, this clip should take that doubt, wait until it dives onto the floor, and then repeatedly kick it in the face and chest.  Hilariously, Chris Paul is called for an offensive foul on this play, adding to the splendor.

Steve Francis & Jamal Crawford

This is Bruce's most commonly employed dirty trick.  Essentially, he waits until you jump, and then he sticks his foot where you're going to land so that, when you land, you fuck up all of your shit.  As you can see, the tactic works perfectly on Steve Francis, whose shit gets destroyed, and is still effective on Jamal Crawford who, because he knows it's coming, misses his shot horribly while trying to avoid the thorough devastation of his own shit.  To be fair, missing horribly is something to which Crawford is well accustomed, but all that means is there was no real reason for Bowen to attempt the maneuver on him to begin with.  That's how much he loves being a dick.

Anthony Parker

To me, this one looks completely incidental, but because it's Bruce Bowen, I automatically know that he did it on purpose.  And indeed, when you watch closely, you notice Bowen kicking his leg forward just before he lands, just enough to get it under the feet of Parker and turn his ankle.  Some people give Bowen a pass on this one; I don't, because it fits his pattern so perfectly.  It's like if there's a random murder outside of Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment.  Sure, you can't prove that Dahmer was involved... but would you bet against it?

Steve Nash

This is my second favorite, because you can tell Bowen thinks he's going to get away with it, and he doesn't.  Steve Nash comes out to play defense on him, and you can see the wheels turning in Bruce's head: "Hey, if I just turn my leg, Nash's sack is right in my wheelhouse.  HOME RUN!"  Given that he makes a totally naturally looking pivot, though, why is it so obviously intentional?  Simply put, he would have no other reason to make the move he did, unless he was planning on turning and dribbling the ball straight out of bounds.

Ray Allen

You know you're dirty when the league's resident nice guy, Ray Allen, comes after you.  And all Bowen had to do to bring that response out of Allen was to kick him in the back.  Bowen seems to be so shocked by the reaction, though, it's as if he thought they were just playing tag with their feet.  "WHAT?!" His face says, "Don't get so mad just because you're IT." 

Amare Stoudemire

Two videos for Amare, because Bowen just loves to mess with him.  The first clip shows a quick little reverse pivot into the path of a driving Stoudemire that really wasn't even that slick, but for some reason went unnoticed on the court at the time.  The second clip is truly ingenious, as it clearly displays -- just as Amare gathers himself for a dunk -- Bowen kicking him in the heel in an attempt to knock his feet out from under him.  It's such a quick move that it's no wonder nobody on the court noticed it, but it's effect is clear as the normally explosive Stoudemire barely gets off the ground for the dunk.  It's truly ninja-esque.  Speaking of which...

Wally Szczerbiak

I'm not even going to sully this work of art with my criticism.