Bullet Points: 9 Reasons Why They Live Is Still Real

 

 

Those They Live Ray Bans Are Back In Style

Over the past couple of years, rich a-holes, hipster d-bags and celebrities (who are a combination of those previous groups) started sporting 1960s/1980s style Ray Ban sunglasses. It was easy to dismiss a trend perpetrated by unwashed millionaires as "annoying," "lame," "gay" or even "fucking gay." But that's EXACTLY what the aliens want you to think. Because Kirsten Dunst might be an annoying cunt, but she knows the TRUTH, just like Rowdy Roddy did. Remember kids, "Either put on these glasses or start eating that trash-can!"

 

The Subprime Mortgage Crisis is an Obvious Alien Scam

 

The aliens want your house.  Where do you think they're going to live once the invasion is complete?  Your fucking house.

 

Advertisements Are Less Nuanced, More "Consume... NOW!"

In They Live, print, TV and radio advertisements were actually brainwashing signals that could only decoded if you put on your special sunglasses. Without those devices, the alien signals seemed like run of the mill commercials that were harmless and easy to ignore. But when you employed a decoding device, you could see the signals for what they really were: words and phrases like "Consume, "Obey" and "Procreate" being drilled into our soft human brains so that we continued our voluntary enslavement.

Well, advertisements have changed a lot since the 1980s and it would seem like the aliens got lazy... and we still don't care. Long gone are narrative-driven coffee and fast food ads that were good disguises for the alien signal. Now all we need is a close up product shot and some music and we're salivating with our hands down our pants at the thought of a "Five Dollar Foot Long." CONSUME!!!

 

Pop Music Is Encouraging Mindlessness

This is hardly news to some of you, but popular music destroys your will to fight and live a meaningful life.  As evidence, let's take a look at two very seemingly different songs from the past few years.

First, we'll look at "The Remedy" by Jason Mraz.  Now, if you enjoy listening to music, you do not enjoy this song.  It's fucking terrible, and that goes without saying.  But that's not what makes it a part of the alien conspiracy to enslave you as livestock.  That's what the lyrics are for.  "The tragedy is how you're gonna spend the rest of your life with your light on," Mraz, who refers to himself as a rapper, "raps."  "I won't worry my life away," he says.

What does it mean to have your light on?  I think it means you're awake and alert.  Don't be awake and alert, Mraz tells us.  Sleep.  Obey.  Be like the cow.  Turn the light off and leave it off.  Don't worry your life away.  Go out and get drunk.  There are no problems that cannot be solved by ignoring them and buying a Jason Mraz T-Shirt.

Next, let's look at last year's smash club hit, "Crank That," by Soulja Boy.  To start with, which of the following scenarios do you find more likely:  that somebody found Soulja Boy to be legitimately talented and that millions of Americans soberly agreed, or is it more likely that aliens handed Soulja Boy his success on a silver platter in return for his compliance in their world domination schemes?  If you've ever heard his songs, you know he's not talented, so what are you left with?  Soulja Boy is a traitor to the human race.

Let's not stop there, though; let's parse his lyrics.  "Watch me crank that Roosevelt." Alright, let's not parse these lyrics.  They are designed to make your head explode if you think about them.  Don't think, they whisper to you.  We both know it's too painful.  Fucking aliens.

 

Obey Posters

The scariest thing of all is that those Obey posters from "They Live" are actually available for sale now. You can see them pasted up all over cities. And if that wasn't terrifying enough, for some reason ANDRE THE GIANT'S FACE IS ON THEM!! If you haven't shit your pants yet, then... I guess you've got better bowel control than I do.

 

Satire Now Spearheaded by the Guys Who Did Epic Movie

There was a time -- for this article's sake, let's refer to it as "the 1970s" -- when satire was mainstream.  During this time, screenwriters like Paddy Chayefsky lampooned everything from the media to the health care system with cutting wit, focused dialog, and even great, well-drawn characters and engaging plots.  Now, any good satire dances along the fringes of our culture, while the big money goes to the most recognizable satire machine, the guys who did Epic Movie, Date Movie and Meet the Spartans -- and Who Shall Not Be Named.

There are three major things wrong with this.  The first is that they're not funny.  Now, comedy is subjective, so I will grant that you could write this off, but, essentially, their idea of a comedy formula is:  existing movie script + fart and cum jokes + Kal Penn = shining gold.  If you want to argue in favor of that, be my guest.  The second problem is that the subjects of their satire are not worthy of the form.  There is no inherent reason for Epic Movie to exist.  You gain nothing from it that you couldn't have gained from watching Chronicles of Narnia stoned.  Nobody's mind is going to be changed on any meaningful topic from watching Date Movie, because Date Movie never attempts to challenge or even engage any meaningful topic.  And finally, the third reason, which ties in with the first two, is that -- if you're going to have any hope of laughing along with this garbage -- you're compelled to watch a whole bunch of other shitty movies as prerequisites.  Don't think.  Spend.  Watch.  Be passive.  Consume.

 

Voter Turnout Down In Elections, Up For American Idol

Worldwide voter turnout is down. This is a fact. Don't let democratic pollsters tell you anything different... just because a lot of people show up for an Obama rally, get drunk and drop a primary vote doesn't mean people are waiting in line to vote for their state comptroller. It's just not happening. Even the US general presidential election turnout was in a downturn until 2005. And no matter how bad our voter apathy seems, British and Japanese voter turnout makes us look like a bunch of politics fags.

But contrast that with what Ryan Seacrest reveals every Wednesday night: the number of people voting for an American Idol is constantly increasing. Here's a pretty scary figure: the 4th season of American Idol received a total of 500 million votes. That is far and away more votes than any of the presidential elections EVER.

Why do you think this is? Because the Aliens don't want us to focus our energies on making the world a better place. They ARE aliens, after all.

 

Stimulus Packages

You're worried about the economy, huh?  Think our current insane deficit spending and ridiculous consumption might not be sustainable over the short term, much less the long term?  Well, have $600.  Go buy something.  Don't think about the economy.  Don't think about your credit card debt.  Don't think about anything except which cheap piece of shit you're going to clog your living room with.  The solution is to buy more. 

 

The Out of Control Jewelry of the Rich Are Communication Devices

 

In they live, the aliens and the wealthy who consort with them all have special watches -- really nice watches -- which come equipped with two special abilities:  they can be used as two-way communicators, and they can transport you to the underground series of tunnels through which the aliens travel and from which they run the world.  Now, take a look at this piece of jewelry.  It's not a watch, but as large as it is, there is no way that its only function is that when Young Joc's fifth in line with his nine friends, they spell out DOUCHEBAG.  They do, but the primary purpose of this giant H is to communicate with his alien overlords in case someone discovers their plan, or in the event of any dissent or free thought.  If anyone "sees."  In the meantime, he can use it to chirp the DOUC_EBAG clique.