Bullet Points: 9 Reasons to Own a Monkey

1. Drinking Buddy  

Banana liquor -- there's a reason bars serve it. But monkey isn’t picky either. He’ll drink his own urine if given the chance. If you thought your monkey was funny before, wait until he’s dancing on the bar to “Fergalicious” after his tenth shot of Jaeger.  

The bad part is you’ll probably be picking up the tab. Totally worth it though. 

2. Designated Driver 

If movies from the 80’s taught us anything, it’s that monkeys can drive (and give the finger). Is a cop going to give a monkey a ticket? I mean, who’d believe him?  

After a long night of drinking, monkey will probably be the better driver anyway,  so give him the keys and fasten your safety belt, because it’s going to be a thrill-ride no matter where you’re going. 

3. Childcare 

I've never opened the newspaper to read about some Momma monkey leaving her baby inside a car in 100 degree weather. Never once have I seen an evening news piece about a Daddy monkey being thrown in the back of a cop car while a baby monkey is sent away with Child Protective Services 

Monkeys love their children and -- since most babies seem to resemble little, hairless primates -- I’m sure your monkey would take to your infant as if it was his or her own. 

It’s up to you when it comes to breaking your children of poo-flinging, though. 

4. Blame 

They are always saying that you can’t blame an animal for the things it does. For its instincts.  

Monkeys make the perfect fall guy for your everyday screw-ups. No one gets mad at the monkey. Spilled something? Monkey did it! Ate the last slice of pizza? Monkey did it! Slept with your bosses’ wife? Monkey did it! Twice. Who farted?

I think we know the answer. 

5. Two Players 

With a monkey you’ll always have a second player for anything you choose to do. 

Monkeys love all games. And, truthfully, you hate losing, so having a monkey as a second player should give you an easy win every time unless you’ve foolishly chosen something that involves trees and/or vines. 

6. Your Girlfriend's Cat 

A monkey will easily solve that problem. 

7. Backup 

Monkeys are loyal. If you've got beef with someone, monkey's got beef with someone, and he will fight to the death to protect you. How many of your boys would do the same? Plus, monkeys have thumbs and that'll come in handy when it’s time to draw down on some punk bitches who dare to roll through your hood. 

8. Wingman 

You know the situation. You’re at the bar and you glance at this hottie in the corner hanging with her ugly friends. One of your bros might say, “Screw you pal, I ain’t jumping on that grenade," but not monkey. Monkey doesn’t mind taking one for the team. In fact, monkey prefers ladies with extra body hair. 

9. Revenge 

No one suspects the monkey. Monkeys don’t have criminal records and there will be no cross-examining of the witness. There are no records of monkey fingerprints and a police line-up would be pointless. 
You can safely have your monkey kill your enemies.

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