10.09.07 From the Viking
Bullet Points: 8 Totally Useless Infomercial Products
Written by Erik Amonson & Lukas Kaiser
When the Reagan administration lifted restrictions on how much airtime in a given hour could be dedicated to commercials, even they probably couldn't have foreseen the tsunami of lies and garbage that would be foisted on a half-defenseless public. Here now, some of the lyingest, most garbagey – and in some cases downright dangerous – useless products ever peddled on late night infomercials.
Stumble It!
- Pancake Puffs - “Do you like pancakes?” the infomercial begins. “Yes,” I always respond. They lose me there. Because I like pancakes. I like everything about them, including their shape. So I have no need to purchase a pan that would take delicious pancakes and turn them into shit balls. In addition to brutally maiming delicious pancakes, the Pancake Puff Pan can also allow me to fill my newly deformed Pan-balls with various goodies, such as cream cheese or pizza toppings. Because when I’m in the mood for pancakes, I’m not thinking about syrup or breakfasty stuff. Of course not. That’d make me smart and normal. I’m hoping I can have them with pizza toppings. Oh, and the infomercial has one of the worst “call now and get a free gift” offers ever. It’s all “Call now and get a year’s supply of pancake puff turning sticks!” I mean, God. That means I have to make a year’s commitment to this bullshit? No thanks.
- Dual Action Cleanse - Like most infomercials, the program for Dual Action Cleanse -- ostensibly a cleaning system for your digestive tract -- contains some insane claims. In this case, one of the claims is that you have twenty or more pounds of feces stuck forever in your intestines... until and unless you use this product. Unlike most infomercials, however, Dual Action Cleanse is hosted by a man, Klee Irwin, with a freakishly bright smile, slicked-back hair and a pencil thin mustache that would make John Waters proud. It also boasts a subject matter that would make John Waters proud: poop. The highlight of the infomercial is host Klee talking about how embarrassed he was by the fact that his toddler daughter's feces dwarfed his own in both length and girth, but there's plenty of funny to go around. No, the problem isn't the infomercial itself, it's the fact that the product it advertises does nothing. If you don't believe me, just ask anyone who's tried it. If that weren't enough, they also try to scam you into continuing their service in perhaps the most clever way possible: by refusing to ever stop billing you.
- Auto Cool - AutoCool is a solar powered fan that you’re supposed to put in your car to keep the interior temperature down during sweltering heat. But during tests, people have found that it actually either has no effect on the car’s temperature, or it actually makes things hotter, thus making it an AutoHot. This product is so shitty that it no longer has a website. You can still buy it, oh, don’t get me wrong. But the good people at AutoCool have decided that if you have any problems or complaints with their horrible product, you should have no means of contacting them. Bravo, guys.
- Sauna Belt - Whoever has been marketing this product must think we're pretty damn confused. And, apparently, a good number of us are, because the Sauna Belt sells. How, though, do people who buy this product think either fat or sweating work? Let me back up a bit: this product claims to help you sweat away pounds by applying it over the area you want to shrink. Sadly, fat does not come out of your body in sweat form. As it happens, the only thing the Sauna Belt is really good at is burning the living shit out of its customers.
- Extenze - If I approached you on the street and offered to sell you a pill to make your nose smaller, would you buy it? I mean, let's assume that you've got a big ugly nose. Of course you wouldn't, because it's a stupid idea. Nobody in their right mind would ever believe that the use of a pill could change the size of any body part -- unless you consider fat a body part -- but when it comes to the size of our junk, we are not in our right minds. However, fellas, use your inner scientist when you're watching those late night ads starring Ron Jeremy: they're paying a porn star so that you'll be convinced that you'll be helped so that you'll give them money so that they can pay their porn star to bilk other guys. Nowhere in this cycle do you get anything other than further obsessed about your probably-not-prohibitively-small Johnson. The infomercial itself, though, beats the hell out of that church show they're playing on BET.
- Natural Cures - You've probably seen this guy, Kevin Trudeau, peddling his lies on the airwaves and thought, if only for a second, "Wow! All of my fears about the government trying to kill me are true! There really is a cancer cure, and -- out of the goodness of his heart -- Kevin Trudeau is willing to sell it to me!" Of course, then you realized that he was a horrible scam artist simultaneously capitalizing both on people's fear of illness and on their mistrust of the government. Naturally, none of his cures work for anything, nor are they in any way different from what fake medical hacks have been trying to scam people on for many years. Not only are his claims false, though, but he also is notorious for making it impossible to cancel your subscription to his monthly "newsletters." Fortunately, the FCC has recently banned Trudeau from ever advertising his trash again, and he seems to be on his way to prison.
- GLH-9 Hair in a Can - There are a lot of purported cures for baldness. All are bad. One is worst. That is the GLH Spray On Hair, aka Hair In A Can. Many of the “baldness cures” out there contain hair, in some shape or form (such as hair plugs, or the hair club for men). GLH Spray On Hair does not. It is merely nontoxic spray paint that really poor, insecure bald guys buy and then spray all over their pitiful bald spots. Ron Popeil, the infamous “inventor” most known for the “Showtime Rotisserie Grill,” cut his teeth inventing and marketing this product. You don’t see too many ads for the GLH Spray On Hair anymore. You know why? Cuz it sucks.
- World Trade Center Commemorative Coins - Commemorative coins are a pretty funny scam. You got some coin collectors who are like in the middle of organizing their collections late at night, the TV blaring to take their minds off how crappy their lives are, and BOOM! On comes an ad for some commemorative coin…yet another frickin’ coin that’s not in their collection. Holy fuck, I better call now and buy some! So, preying on people with your worthless coin crap is already pretty skeezy. Adding the twin towers onto said coins just goes over the line. These coin sets are already pretty worthless. But when you make cash off of the backs of the dead, it’s also pretty fucked up. Sure, Spray On hair sucks, but at least it’s not made out of dead people…or is it?!
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umchaos
10/09/2007 11:24
what, you mean i can't get bigger junk by taking a pill!?
Lukas
10/09/2007 13:15
just ask santa for bigger junk
Marc
10/09/2007 19:47
Great post! Not only is each product worthy as a 'Totally Useless Informercial Product' Hall-of-Famer inductee, they're
all accompanied by brilliantly hilarious, witty commentary.
all accompanied by brilliantly hilarious, witty commentary.
Lukas
10/09/2007 22:47
thanks, marc
Dan
10/10/2007 10:28
^5s to ya! I nearly spit milk from my nose reading about the Twin Tower Coins...LMFAO!
b
10/10/2007 13:47
I happen to work in the business and know that Kevin Trudeau has in fact already been to prison. For what though, I cannot remember. He has also been served numerous cease and desist orders over the last 10 or so years with regards to his infomercials. He is a true con.
allison
10/12/2007 10:36
The Sauna Belt thing was featured in the series Dead Like Me. In the show: The guy who invented them was on his way to a safety meeting when he was supposed to die, but the reaper didn't want him to die so she basically told him that his son had raped her. The story kept him preoccupied so he never made it to the safety testing and thus the product went on the market without being tested. It ended up leading to hundreds of deaths due to bad electric wiring or something like that. It was real bizarre.
tomvale13
12/12/2007 00:03
I've been sitting here reading this in my sauna belt waiting for my dual action cleanse to kick in, am I to believe the resultant affect of my acts is just going to be a burn, plus regular sized turds?
How un-enchanting.
How un-enchanting.
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