Bullet Points: 8 Strange Sword Attacks

The Nude Worshiper

In 1999, a naked man ran into a British catholic church and began to attack the parishioners with a samurai sword. Of course, several of the churchgoers were policeman, and the rest of the churchgoers were really pissed off. One parishioner tried to distract the man by shoving a large cross into his face (and presumably summoning the power of God himself). The man was eventually subdued, but not before injuring several people.

"Five minutes before I was singing a psalm, and the next thing I know I was fighting with a sword-wielding madman," said policeman Tom Tracey. Tracey eventually subdued the attacker using a 5 foot long organ pipe. Did he hit him on the head, or right between his naked, split berries? Nobody seems to know why the man was buck-ass naked or why he attacked. Must've been between him and God.

Old Man's Worst Enemy 

A 70-year-old geezer in Florida got so upset that he decided to kill both his dogs with a samurai sword (where do these people get these swords anyway? Duh:  Japan). The dogs apparently left piles of dookie around the house. If he'd been 69 it may have been okay, but at 70 he had to be thinking, "I'm too old for this shit," and then went on a rampage against his pit bill and her pup. The dogs, as they weren't as stupid as this guy, ran away and hid under a bed. The man stabbed right through the bed and injured both dogs. Though the dogs were hurt, they were thankfully not killed, and the man was sent to "the dog house" with $5,000 bail.

The man said that the dog attacked him and tried to bite his crotch, but the policeman noticed that there were neither bite marks nor dog slobber on his pants. The policeman is also quoted as saying that, though the dog did go caca on the floor, "Come on, it's a 9-week-old puppy." No shit? My guess is this guy wanted to try out his ninja skills but never could never find a worthy adversary... until now.

Mothers and Sons:  Two Stories

A Munich man got into some kind of argument with his parents, which resulted in them telling him to move out. It seems he really didn't want to. Apparently, his mother was reading the newspaper when he snueaked up behind her with a 45 inch samurai sword (seriously, does everyone go to Japan but me?) and chopped her head off, sling blade style. He then called the police and gave them the old,  "Oops! I just chopped off my mom's head."

In the second case, a  man called up the fire department with the request that paramedics retrieve him before he hurt himself. This guy was a selfish bastard because, ten minutes later, emergency services got another call from his mother at the same apartment saying that her son -- who they had just picked up and brought to safety -- had attacked her with a sword then left, and she was left to crawl to the phone while bleeding out. It turns out that he attacked her brutally with a samurai sword (seriously). She probably said something on the phone like, "that stupid fuck left me to rot." I'm not sure if he didn't have the chop 'n' slice motion down or what. This sword must have been a dull replica, or he had really bad aim, because he didn't quite chop anything off, but rather nearly amputated his mother's arm. The mother said she wasn't pressing charges, and the son never gave an explanation.

Strong Politics

One man was apparently driven to sword attacks by this sob story:  he was encouraged to open a business with a bank loan, claiming that during that time the government in Britain was encouraging self-made successes. His business struggled for years and eventually failed. The bank repossessed his car and house, and his wife divorced him. He lost his pension and his job. The bank resold his house for a 100,000 pound profit and he didn't get any of the money. But he still had his swords. "He's the type of person who helped everybody out, but when he needed someone there was no one there for him," a friend said. Then his sister died. In response, he went Uma Thurman on the asses of two Brits, one of them a member of Parliament. He cut both their hands severely. Obviously, he had a lot to pissed about, but I guess he just misplaced his anger... I mean, if you really want to go out on a bang, you should at least set yourself on fire. And why didn't have a samurai sword like everyone else?

Paper or Plastic, Bitches?

A 30-year-old disgruntled Albertson's grocery bagging employee went on a samurai sword rampage, killing two people and injuring three others. Seriously, I don't know how an Albertson's employee can afford a samurai sword. I do know why he went crazy, though. He was a thirty year old Albertson's bagger. He went up to his boss in a green beret and overcoat, asking for time off. Walking away he attacked some customers, nearly beheading his first victim, who was probably thinking, “I really should have said 'thank you' to him more often.” The employees attempted to defend themselves guerrilla style with trash bin lids and utensils, but they were no match for the man's 30-odd inch sword. Other employees after the incident said that he was always laughing to himself and seemed like he was going to do something like this soon. He was shot by police and died in the hospital.  
 

Sunday Afternoon Stroll... of Death (or at least severe discomfort)

"Evidently, he always goes hiking with a sword," said Sgt. Dave Barker of the LA County sheriff's department. The details are fuzzy, but it looks like three guys went on some kind of mountain hiking excursion, and a fight broke out. This probably happened somewhere between the cliff side drinking session, and the deep, dark secrets about who was fucking whose wife that they all kept in their backpacks like camel water packs of guilt. However, when the argument started, one guy pulled out a baseball bat (yes, he goes hiking with a baseball bat) and his acquaintance, 26-year-old Wesley Brockway, pulled out a sword (yes, he must have known his friend was bringing a baseball bat with which to hit him in the nuts). The baseball bat guy had his arm nearly severed (answering the age old question, who would win in a fight? Bat or Sword?) Moral of the story: have a better weapon than your opponent.

The Ninth Simple Rule of Dating My Teenage Daughter

Watch out, if you're not careful I'll cut off your hand. A man in Greece attacked his teenage daughter's boyfriend, injuring him all around his body and cutting off his right hand (presumably, this is the hand that did the dirty business). It's possible, of course, that the guy said, “Look kid, if you do anything to my daughter at all, look at her dirty or anything, I'll cut of your hand,” and he thought it was just intimidation. I didn't know many Greek stereotypes before this (besides the fact that they own diners) but now I have one to add to my list. The man was also allegedly convicted of murder years before. So, guys, don't date an ex-convict's daughter unless she's really fucking stacked, in which case you have no choice. Just watch your back.

That Stupid Chair, Always Being a Place to Sit

We tend to think of Canada as nonviolent, but this Canadian sword attack is one of the strangest. A man in Ontario apparently attacked his chair with a sword.  He simply tapped it three times, as though to knight itm then violently dug his sword deep inside the seat. The man said it was just for "fun" and that it felt good. A healthy way to get out aggression, right? More likely, it as preceded by the following conversation.

A man comes home drunk and takes out a glass, a sword and some whiskey.

MAN: What the fuck are you looking at? 
CHAIR: ... 
MAN: Don't you fucking ignore me, you stupid fucking chair!  
CHAIR: ... 
MAN: What are you, my fucking wife? 
CHAIR: ... 
MAN: What do you have to say for yourself, you shitty chair? 
CHAIR: Asshole.

And, with that, he brutally attacked his bitch of a chair. I bet it liked it. It was asking for it!

Even stranger, soon after the incident the man was arrested and charged with attacking his chair. After being detained by police and placed in jail, the man was given a mischief charge for smearing his feces and piss around the cell. It's possible that he only went truly crazy after he was needlessly arrested for attacking a chair.  Maybe the chairs and benches in prison knew what he had done and were mocking him. There was nowhere to sit down, they'd just give him shit. Not even the toilet would give him a place to relax. This, in turn, led to the shit-smearing. Three months of trial and probably a lot of tax money later, he was acquitted. He'll never sit comfortably again.