Bullet Points: 8 Reasons Not to Pay Your Taxes (And One Reason to Pay Them)ByErik Amonson & Lukas Kaiser April 15, 2008 - 4:00 pm |
Well, today's April 15th. Got your taxes done? Or, did you file for an extension? Wow, you're a sucker. You pay your taxes? Duuuude… wtf? Here are 8 reasons why you should NEVER pay your taxes! (and one reason why it'd probably be smart that you did)
•BECAUSE RICH PEOPLE DON'T PAY 'EM:
Rich people not paying taxes is as old as taxes. The first day they were collecting taxes, they probably went to the mansion on the end of the block and were like: "Hey it's time to pay three shillings!" and the rich guy probably laughed and then had his slaves kill the tax collector. Since then, richies have found various ways of not paying taxes, from creating phony charities to "donate" to all the way to staring up a Swiss bank account (even though they lost the war, Nazis STILL got money in the bank... and they gon' buy you a drank).
Thanks to our current president, rich people no longer have to go offshore to get their tax shelters. They just have to invest in the stock market. I'm sure Bush has some sort of "free market" reasoning behind this (the more money put into the market, uninhibited by taxes, the better our economy does) but regardless, rich people ain't paying much on their income tax.
•BECAUSE THEY DON'T GO TOWARD THE STUFF YOU WANT OR WILL EVER USE:
Pretty much every year, the three biggest bites out of your tax dollar go to the Big Three federal expenditures, those being Social Security, health care and the defense budget. Let's just assume for now that every penny we spend on defense is a penny that we all want to be spending -- a pretty big fucking assumption given current attitudes -- and take a quick look at the other two. Social Security, for example, is in serious trouble. We're dumping tons of money into a system that will likely be completely bankrupted by our parents and/or grandparents, depending on whether you were big on Mr. Rogers or Teletubbies as a little kid. Ostensibly, you'd see that money in the form of support for YOU in your old age, but as it stands, there'll probably be enough left over for your suicide injection and maybe a starlight mint to give the procedure some class. As for health care, well, how is it that we can pay so much money into something that clearly helps so few people? Again, it's almost all old people. And either you believe that they won't be around at all when we're old, sick and broke, or you believe that they'll be hanging around laughing their ghost-asses off as, again, we get the suicide shot.
The next biggest expenditure goes toward nothing. Well, not literally nothing: it goes toward making interest payments on our national debt. This goes back to old people again. They spent beyond our means for so long that we now have to pay over a tenth of our tax bill simply toward maintaining our status with our creditors. Here's an idea: instead of paying down the problems created by our elders, who are supposed to be so fucking respectable, why don't we just take their ill-gotten shit. They essentially preemptively stole half our tax money. They're weak and feeble now, though. Time to take it back.
•BECAUSE THE PENTAGON CHANNEL EXISTS:
As we've discussed earlier, it's hard to track down exactly where your tax dollaz and centz go. But let's just say that you (and China) pay for everything our government does. And one of the things our government does is has its own TV stations. Now I'm not here to nitpick with CSPAN 1 through 20 here. It's a good thing that we have cameras trained on what the crrrazy congress says and does (I just tune in to see if Nancy Pelosi will have a nip slip).
What you SHOULD be concerned about is the Pentagon Channel. I understand it's important for our nation's millitary to be entertained while they're at war. But... the GRILL SERGEANT?
We're paying for a fucking well produced cooking show (with an in-house band called the Tastebuds) that we'll never see. I'm sorry, but that's fucked up. If the government is gonna waste your money like that, well, they don't deserve your money then. Whoooo Wheeee!
•BECAUSE CELEBRITIES DON'T PAY 'EM:
You know Wesley Snipes? I mean, I know we haven't seen him around in a while, but I'm sure you remember Wesley Snipes. Blade, Demolition Man, White Men Can't Jump, Passenger 57, etc. Well, there's no question that Wesley Snipes was a pretty big movie star in his prime, and if there's one thing pretty big movies stars are, it's pretty fucking rich. In Wesley Snipes' case, it's also "pretty fucking defiant." Snipes refuses to pay his taxes to the tune of what the IRS estimates at 42 million dollars owed. And what's more, he's not in prison. The court has called him an "inveterate tax scofflaw." I can't think of higher praise. Well, maybe Dave Chappelle naming a bong after you... but he's got that, too.
•BECAUSE IT'S ALLLL A CONSPIRACY:
Right after I finish this bowl.
•BECAUSE TOM CRYER REFUSED TO AND GOT AWAY WITH IT:
Using the argument that the federal government can not Constitutionally tax labor, and can only tax profit and interest, Tom Cryer was acquitted in July of 2007 on two charges of tax evasion and one charge of willfully failing to file a tax return. Actually, while that was his public argument, the argument that he gave to the jury was simply that he didn't believe that he owed the taxes, and since it was impossible for the prosecution to prove that he did believe he owed taxes, the jury was forced to find that he had no criminal intent in failing to file a return. You can parse it however you want; the fact remains that Tom Cryer did not pay taxes for ten years, was prosecuted for it, and was acquitted. If he can do it, you can probably get him to do it for you, too. Nah, you can't, he's most likely a selfish prick.
•BECAUSE CORPORATIONS DON'T PAY 'EM:
Loopholes, my friends. It's all about loopholes. From the double accounting practices of now defunct firms like Enron, who declared billions of dollars in profit to their shareholders while declaring only tens of millions to the IRS, thus boosting share value while keeping the tax costs low -- and defrauding at least one of the two groups -- to simpler plans like setting up headquarters offshore in more tax friendly arenas, or diabolical networks of secret trusts and piles of tax lawyers, rest assured that the enormous corporations that water down your entertainment and your beer are also getting off easy when tax time rolls around. We're not saying you should be exactly like corporations. You shouldn't defraud millions of employees out of their hard-won pensions, for example. But if you look around and see multi-billion dollar companies paying pennies for every dollar you pay, we don't blame you if it makes you want to take a few shortcuts.
•BECAUSE TAXES ARE TOO COMPLICATED:
From the instructions of the 1040-ES
AND ONE REASON WHY YOU SHOULD PAY YOUR TAXES
•BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, YOU'LL GO TO JAIL:
The thing is, there's every reason to not pay your taxes. We gave at least 8 of 'em. But no matter who you are (be you Al Capone, Wesley Snipes of Joe "No Taxes" McShoface), you will go to jail if you don't pay. And it might not be "pound you in the ass," "welcome to Oz" prison, but prison is still prison. Which is the place where men go to become girls. So disregard this article and pay up, you douche.