Bullet Points: 7 First Dates That Would Seal the Deal with Jessica Alba

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Where in the world would you take the very wealthy, very famous, frequent contender for “Most Beautiful Woman Alive?”  Keep in mind, whatever you have going for you, it’s probably not as good as what she has going for her.  So here are some ideas that will seal the deal, despite your obvious shortcomings.

• Take her to a nice Thai restaurant.  Then pretend you think she’s Jessica Simpson the entire night.  Make references to her sister Ashlee looking better after the plastic surgery.  Casually mention her messy divorce.  Outright call her Jessica Simpson.  If she tries to politely correct you, just say, “Please don’t ruin this for me.” Jessica Alba will be impressed by how assertive and decisive you are.  Once you say you’re dating Jessica Simpson, not even Jessica Alba can convince you otherwise.  Before the end of the night you’ll be saying, “But I thought you didn’t believe in that before marriage.”

• Take her to see her new film “The Ten.”  It’s directed by David Wain (“Wet Hot American Summer”, “Stella”) so it should be a good time anyway.  Whenever she’s on screen act like you’re really excited.  Whenever she has a joke laugh REALLY loudly and then give her the thumbs up.  If a joke doesn’t go so well (let’s face it, she's not famous for her comedy) look at her with sympathy and do the international symbol for “so-so” with your hand.  She’ll admire your honesty.  Later on, after the film is over and she’s gotten more sympathy motions than laughs, tell her, “Hey, kiddo.  Nice effort.  Let me take you out for some Italian ice.”  She’ll be hooked.  You’re supportive, sympathetic, and you give her frozen treats when she’s feeling down.  Obviously you’re a catch.  Also, Italian ice is really cheap.

• Take her on a picnic in a park.  Bring a blanket, a bottle of wine, some sandwiches.  It’ll be a nice intimate setting for a girl who’s probably had enough of the spotlight.  If you want to be a little more adventurous, make a lot of obnoxious puns on her name. and when she asks “what did you just say?” don’t admit that you’re doing it.  This works something like the Jessica Simpson trick.  Every once in a while just say something like, “I’d better get back to work by 1:30.  I don’t have a good Alba-bi.”  “I don’t know, I like Edwards’s healthcare plan, but I still prefer Barack Albama.”  She’ll either be ensnared by your wit or leave you on the spot.  This is by far the riskiest strategy on the list, but if she stays, she stays for good.  Just don’t mention that you “neglected to pay Alba-mony last month.”
  

• Take her ice skating.  Oh to see Jessica Alba ice skating.  Point out that your ice skates are size 16, and that she should know what that means.  Then try your best not to trip over your own several-sizes-too-large ice skates.  Show off that you can do The Robot on ice, women love that.  Another tip:  stake the rink out in advance.  Figure out when things happen, like when the Zamboni machine comes through.  That way, you can be skating along with Jessica, eyeing your watch every couple minutes, and then casually you say to Jessica, “Oh you know, this ice could really use a smoothing.  Frank!  I think it’s time to bring out the Zamboni!”  And sure enough, Frank (probably not his real name) will drive the Zamboni out onto the ice like he always does at 8:30.  Only this time, he’s made you look like a big shot.  Well, a medium shot.  Jessica Alba has higher expectations for big shots. Then again, she did date that Cash Warren guy for a couple years.  Relatively, controlling the Zamboni might look pretty good.

• Take her to the Batcave.  This may or may not apply to you, but if you are Batman, there is no better way to get with Jessica Alba.  However, if you are Christian Bale playing Batman, do not introduce her to Alfred as she has a documented affinity for older men generally and Michael Caine specifically.  I know this dating scenario doesn’t apply to more than two people, but if you’re Batman or Christian Bale playing Batman, you should definitely show her the BatJacuzzi as well.

• Make her dinner.  Again, Jessica Alba expects expensive things; that’s why she might be interested in Batman.  However, every guy knows you can get around this by doing the classy, inexpensive, domestically masculine thing of making your woman dinner.  You can choose the entrée, but make sure there’s alcohol.  Then get her to open up.  She once complained that she was being typecast as a sex kitten, saying, “somehow I don’t think this is happening to Natalie Portman.”  Instead of gently pointing out that Natalie Portman is more talented than she is, convince her that that’s not actually a bad thing.  Natalie Portman, while quite attractive, is more of an offbeat beautiful as opposed to “sizzling hot.”  Point out that she’s won as many if not more awards than Natalie Portman.  Tell her it’s about quantity, not quality.  She won a Saturn Award for “Dark Angel,” more recently she received the title of FHM’s “Sexiest Woman in the World” and SpikeTV’s “Hottest Jessica” in 2007.  Not to mention Natalie’s been nominated for three Razzies (all “Star Wars” related), while Jessica has only been nominated once (although for two roles in the same year, “Fantastic Four” and “Into the Blue”).  This will repair her self-esteem.  But don’t push it, or she may realize she can get any man on the planet, quite a few of whom are better than you.  It’s sort of a tightrope walk.

• Take her to a pet shop.  I once saw an episode of “Next” (yeah, yeah...) in which the person looking for a date brought the contestants to a tiny farm where they could play with baby animals.  Man, that worked like a charm.  Granted, they were both women -- and farms exclusively for baby animals are probably reserved for meat processing companies or something -- so you should put a variation on that plan and head to the local pet shop.  Tell her you’ll buy her any animal she wants.  See, this is getting back to that whole “older man” fetish of hers, which probably means she has an Electra complex.  You’ll be like a sugar-daddy.  You buy her pets, you make her dinner, you give her Italian ice when she’s blue.  This way you manage to come off as the dominant, providing member of this couple despite the fact that she’s much, much wealthier (again, unless you’re Batman). This charade may not last forever, but it’ll at least get you through the first date.  And that’s the kind of accomplishment you can brag about for quite some time.