•Margarita Island, Venezuela

Going to South America for Spring Break already throws your vacation into the "non-conformist" category. Your SA trip is a big fuck you to anyone who travels to "tepid" locations like Mexico and Puerto Rico. "Oh, you went to Cancun? That's cool... I hope you drank lots of water while you were down there. You know, on account of you being a douchebag and all (douchebags need water... duh)."

But "Isla Margarita" is special even outside of the South American vacation. And that's because rather than being a typical vacation destination for American tourists, it's where the Europeans go. You know what that means... topless beaches, my friend. And a spicier, rarer form of gonorrhea too (if you're lucky).

•Dubai, United Arab Emirates

Here's an atypical vacation for you... Spring Break, DUBAI!!! Despite what you've heard about how sweet the "emirate" (wtf is an emirate?) Dubai is, let's face the facts: this is still in an Arab country. But as far as Arab countries go, you could do worse as a spring break-er. Dubai is one of the most open places to Westerners in the Arab world and the sale of not only alcohol but (GASP) pork certainly proves that. Some of the main attractions of Dubai include their architecture (they've got some ridiculous buildings, including the world's tallest hotel) and their super weird World Islands (which are a bunch of islands formed into miniature versions of every continent on the planet).

But, like I said, this is an Arab country and despite its relaxed laws, do NOT try to smuggle weed into Dubai. Super producer/d-list celebrity Dallas Austin learned this the hard way as he received a four year prison sentence for having a gram of doobage in his luggage. Dude got lucky and was given a pardon. You won't be getting one of those, you nobody.

•Hamilton, Bermuda

The "on paper" merits of Bermuda are obvious... it's a tropical island (yay), it's hot (yay) and a lot of hot chicks go there (yay). But let's face it, you can get all that stuff in Daytona. You're gonna go to Bermuda because of the frickin' Bermuda Triangle.

As you fly into your vacation, you'll feel your heart race. "Is this it?" you think to yourself. "Is this when I meet Amelia Earhart and the crew of the USS Cyclops?" Then later on, if you've survived, you'll head to the beach and rent a jet-ski. As you're piloting in the evil Bermudian waters, you'll start to see things... EVIL things.  Was that a skull floating in the middle of the water... or just your imagination? Bwahahaha! Then, later that night at dinner, you'll order some nachos. As you start scarfing down your manly meal, you realize something... these chips... they're, they're TRIANGLES! Just then, you'll start to choke on a tortilla chip and... perhaps... DIE!

Best vacation evar?!

•Juneau, Alaska

Where the Margarita Islands are a fuck you to people vacationing in Mexico, Spring Break-ing in Alaska is a big fuck you to just about everyone else. While March's record high is 61, the weather in Juneau normally hovers between 40 and 27 degrees, with a record low of negative 15. While that's shockingly warmer than, say, Minnesota (ouch), it's still not short shorts and tank top weather. So all you d bags out there, leave the 2xist shirts at home.

Why Juneau, Alaska, you ask? Well, if you were a real man, you wouldn't be questioning my logic here. You'd be gathering up your fishing rod and your jar of worms. Some of the best fishing in America is found in Alaska and Juneau, while not the best America's brain tumor has to offer, is the least Northern Exposure-y you'll find while still maintaining some pretty amazing fishing. So you won't get laid this Spring Break... stop whining, it's not like you got laid LAST Spring Break either. At least now you have an excuse.

•Bratislava, Slovakia

Slovakia is landlocked. Slovakia is one of the poorest countries in Europe. So why the fuck are you gonna go there? Dude, didn't you see "Hostel?" If you're traveling on the cheap, head to one of Bratislava's many youth hostels, where you will be greeted by naked chicks with awesome tits. Just don't eat or drink anything and if you do eat or drink something, make sure to pass out in a locked store room in a shitty club. Because otherwise you're gonna wake up tied to a chair in the middle of a modern day torture chamber.

And if you're traveling with a few extra buckeroos, make sure to stop by Bratislava's modern day torture chamber. You can pay top dollar to kill someone. High fives?

(By the way, Slovakia CLAIMS they don't have torture chambers and they're PROVING this by inviting "Hostel" director Eli Roth to come visit... pssah, oldest trick in the book, dude... he shows up and then you slip something in his drink and then next thing he knows, he's tied up in a torture chamber. Didn't you watch his movie?!)