Bullet Points: 5 Rick Roll Replacements

Mick Roll

Here's a no-brainer formula for a Rick Roll Replacement: pick another horrid 80s music video with preposterous dancing. The 1985 Mick Jagger/David Bowie cover duet 'Dancing In The Streets' more than fits the bill. While the song doesn't quite reach the ridiculousness of Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up,' the dancing exceeds Astley's on the preposterousness scale.  I dare you to make it to Bowie's first on screen appearance without losing your shit. If you can do that, you're probably not a human being. Sorry you're finding this out for the first time... you fuckin' robot. All you non-bots out there, though... git to Mick Rollin' ay sap.

Did It Roll

One of the key factors that made the original Rick Roll video great was its unironic stupidity. Rick Astley's horrid vocal performance and dance moves wouldn't be as great if he knew they sucked. Well with that in mind, we present the Did It Roll. We're obviously referencing the infamous Eli Porter Iron Mic freestyle. Porter's utter lack of rap skills, his clueless dress sense and, let's face it, the likelihood of his mental and physical handicap all contrast his rap's boast that he's 'the best, mane.' Which is why he IS the best. And because he's the best, you should Did It Roll everyone you know.

Windfloweroll

Seals and Crofts are the definition of 'soft rock.' They're  basically responsible for all those super ghey'd out, ball-less rock bands from the 70s and early '80s. One of the softest (and possibly gayest) songs they ever put out was the cut 'Windflowers' which opened their 1974 controversial dud of an album, 'unborn Child.' You know a rock song is hella weak when it's taking a staunch anti-drug stance and features several minute patches of melody-less narration. So take that losing formula and hand it off to a campy Asian band and, somehow, comedy is born. The subtitles on the video only serve to make it more hypnotic, cheesy and, ultimately, roll worthy. Send this to ten friends NOW.

Chick Roll

"Hey, what up y'all, this yo girl Lil J." So begins one of the most infuriating internet videos of all time. There's nothing like a 12-year-old female wigger to get the blood boiling. A Chick Roll almost works contrary to the logic of a Rick Roll -- instead of merriment and nostalgia, you just feel sad and angry. But once the bile in your throat settles, one thing is for certain... you will want to send the video to 15 other people. Because, like crack cocaine, inducing pain on others is fucking addictive.

Dick Roll

If you're white, you might not be privy to the song 'can I Smell Yo Dick.' This is one of the many drawbacks to being white... you're always last to hear about shit like this. So consider me your liaison to this snippet of the urban viral video landscape (I think I'm qualified... I might not have any black friends, but that's on them, bro). 'Smell Yo Dick' by the female rapper (or is it rapper-ess) Riskay is a cultural milestone wrapped inside a typical club song wrapped inside an enigma-filled riddle all sandwiched together with pure puerile hilarity. I'll let the lyrics speak for themselves: 'Why you comin home 5 in the mornnn?  / Somethins goin on, can I smell yo dick? / Don't play me like a fool, cause that ain't cool. / So wat u need to do is lemme smell yo dick.' Now that's a novel concept... a woman, fearing her man is cheating, wishes for proof of his affair; the kind of solid proof that can only come from smelling the other girl's pussy juices on her man's love-blade. That's the kind of novel message that everyone should be exposed to. This is why you should Dick Roll as many motherfuckers as humanly possible. Also, Dick Roll sounds a lot like Rick Roll, so there's that too. Do it up!