Bullet Points: 13 Insane Brain Problems

Fregoli Delusion

Those afflicted by this delusion -- named for an the stage actor Leopold Fregoli, who was known for quickly changing costumes backstage -- believe that many different people are actually the same single person in a variety of perfect and elaborate disguises.  For example, let's say that you have the delusion.  Maybe a man at the supermarket holds his gaze on you for a moment longer than would leave you comfortable.  You return home, and find that your wife is not actually your wife, but the supermarket man disguised as your wife.  Horrified, you call your brother, but when you show up at his house, who is there to greet you but the man from the supermarket expertly costumed as your brother?  And that's what your life is like.  Perpetually paranoid in a fashion that makes no sense whatsoever, but which is absolutely terrifying to consider.  It's hard to imagine how such a delusion would come about, but it's easy to understand the concern of someone in its grips.

Bolshephobia (Fear of Bolsheviks)

Your palms are sweating.  You can't concentrate on your work.  Wave after wave of anxiety washes over you.  And it's all because it's wintertime, and somebody in your office was wearing one of those big furry Russian hats, the kind you remember from watching Dr. Zhivago one day when you stayed home from school sick.  It's been 90 years since the Russian revolutions and almost twenty since the Cold War died, but you still have an irrational fear at the slightest hint of Bolsheviks.  Why?  Nobody knows.  It's irrational.  

Capgras Delusion 

Similiar to the Fregoli delusion (in fact, this delusion and Fregoli are both classified as delusional misidentification syndromes), the Capgras delusion entails the patient's false belief that a person or persons around him or her have been replaced with an identical fraud.  Often, the Capgras delusion is simply one among many symptoms of schizophrenia, but there have been numerous cases of non-schizophrenic patients developing the delusion.  This would tend to occur after some sort of catalyzing event, such as a severe brain injury or dropping a bunch of acid and watching the 1996 Michael Keaton movie Multiplicity*.

Body Integrity Identity Disorder (BIID)

If someone feels an irrational compulsion to amputate perfectly healthy body parts, they are said to be suffering from BIID.  BIID is a rare disorder that makes an individual feel as if the body they have is not the body they are supposed to have, and that the body they would feel more comfortable in is missing, for example, a hand.  Or a leg.  Whatever the person has gotten in his or her head as his or her ideal body.  In many ways, you could draw parallels between this condition and transgendering or even anorexia -- all of these exhibit some sort of dissonance that the patient feels an insatiable need to correct.  The main difference, of course, is that losing a limb -- unlike being thin or being a particular gender -- isn't viewed by the average cross section of society as desirable.  Many people want to lose weight, but few would take that desire to the extreme of anorexia or bulimia, wherein the person's body image is distorted.  Not many people, though, would want to lose a limb -- even a diseased or crippled limb -- if given a choice.

Prosopagnosia 

As people with this affliction are still able to recognize most objects, and lack only the ability to perceive faces.  Generally, it's caused by damage to a part of the temporal lobe called the fusiform gyrus, but let's not pretend that really means anything to either of us, apart from the fact that there's actually a part of the brain dedicated specifically to the perception and recognition of faces.  Sufferers often can recognize the person in question via their other senses, or even through sight, but through recognizing other aspects of the individual whose face they can't see.  It's also sometimes known as Makes It Easy For Your Wife to Cheat On You-itis.  No, it's not -- it's known as face blindness. 

Panophobia (Fear of Everything) 

More than anything, panophobia (also known as omniphobia, panphobia, pantophobia and pamphobia) has to drastically reduce quality of life uniformly in each aspect.  While it isn't quite as crazy as it sounds -- it's more of a generalized, background fear than a fear focused on every individual thing -- it's still pretty crazy to have a fear and to be unable to identify its source.  Which is why it should be no surprise that panophobia most commonly occurs among a slew of other symptoms of schizophrenia.  By now, you should be starting to put together the puzzle on why being schizophrenic sucks so impossibly hard.

Korsakoff's Syndrome 

Symptoms of this syndrome include anterograde amnesia (that's where you can't form new memories, Memento fans), false memories, an inability to carry on a complex conversation, an inability to control the eye muscles, an inability to understand the condition itself and general apathy.  On that last point, I'm not sure if apathy is an actual symptom of the syndrome itself, or it's just a consequence of the rest of the symptoms -- it's apparent that you can't really do or comprehend anything, so how would it make sense to care about anything?  At any rate, it should come as no surprise that long term alcoholism can cause this disorder, as many of the symptoms sound like a stronger reflection of the mental effects of a hangover.  What is surprising, however, is that it's direct cause is a simple lack of Thiamine (Vitamin B1).  If you've drunken yourself into this stupor, though, don't expect to just be able to supplement your way out of it (as if you'll be capable of having expectations):  even those undergoing intravenous B1 replacement therapy will have to wait up to two years for positive results, and that's if it works at all.

Hemispatial Neglect 

Those with this condition will find that they're unaware of one side of space relative to themselves.  It's caused by severe damage to half of your brain, and generally affects the opposite side of space from your damaged hemisphere.  In it's most extreme forms it can extend to pretty much every aspect of one's life.  Those with damage to the right hemisphere of their brain may complete only the left side of a puzzle, wash only the left side of their face, eat the left half of their burger, etc.  If I had this condition, I would treat it by hiring a professional rotator.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (Fear of Long Words)

For the benefit of those who are also afraid of long descriptions:  this is the most cruel naming of a condition ever.  "So, what do I have, doc?  No.  NO!  NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Anarchic Hand

Also known as Dr. Strangelove Syndrome, anarchic hand describes a condition in which one of the patient's hands behaves erratically and seemingly without regard to the patients' desire to control it.  Typically, this condition springs up after a catastrophic brain injury, or after the lobes of the brain are divided in an anti-epilepsy surgery.  It is probably not that funny to those who suffer from it, but for everyone else:  amazingly so.  For my part, if I had this disorder, I would name my rogue hand something like Lord Chop and let him have run of the place for a few hours every day.  Also, I would occasionally bind that hand to the side of my body while I pretended that my other hand was the anarchic hand.  We would have good times, Lord Chop and me.

The Case of Phineas Gage 

When Phineas Gage woke up on the morning of September 13th, 1848, he was no different from the average railroad worker.  By the day's end, however, he was no different from the average railroad worker apart from the fact that he had survived an explosion which sent a three and a half foot iron bar rocketing through his brain.  It entered the side of his face and exited the top of his head, landing about 80 feet away.  You probably would assume that was enough crazy for Gage for one day, but that's far from the end of his story.  Gage was talking to those around him within minutes.  Though he nearly died from blood loss, he was fully conscious, able to walk around, and generally making sense of the world around himself.  If you don't find that pretty impressive, well -- I still wouldn't suggest taking a giant metal bolt to the brain.

As you might well imagine, the bolt severed some interesting connections in Gage's head.  Most notably, he was completely unable to regulate his emotions, and his moods would warble from ferociously angry to jubilant to weepy with absolutely no connection to the events surrounding him.  Gage's newfound impulsiveness and violent mood changes following his accident have been pointed to as a sign that violent people may be caused more by physical brain damage than by congenital or nurture-related circumstances.  Of course, it's fairly difficult theory to test, as nobody's lining up to get a bolt shot through their head at tremendous speeds.  And if they are, it'd probably be a little irresponsible to oblige them.

Clinical Lycanthropy

Essentially, if you have this, you think you're a werewolf.  Sufferers can be observed occasionally behaving like an animal.  You have to wonder, though, how many actual werewolves are misdiagnosed with clinical lycanthropy.  I mean, apart from actually seeing someone transform, how can you tell if the person is delusional or if they're actually justified in their belief?  Take me, for example.  I am a werewolf. 

Jerusalem Syndrome

More common than you might think, Jerusalem Syndrome describes a psychotic obsessiveness, generally accompanied by overt religious themes (a sense of a holy crusade, even -- of having been suddenly given a higher purpose), brought on by a visit to Jerusalem.  What's really ridiculous about Jerusalem Syndrome is that many times the person who's afflicted with it shows no outward signs of mental illness before visiting the city, and generally the symptoms disappear after a few weeks outside its walls.  My guess is that if one were to do some thorough research on the background of these people, one would find that either they really did have a perhaps undiagnosed history of mental illness, or at least it carried over in some way to their post-Jerusalem life.  Again, this is not true in my case, because ever since I went to Jerusalem I've known it was my life's meaning to cleanse the globe with the healing light of pop culture lists.

* Untested hypothesis... so far.