Bullet Points: 12 of the Manliest 80s Movies

Commando

Arnold Schwarzenegger is retired Colonel John Matrix (if that name isn’t badass enough, I don’t know what is), a special forces soldier who has left the service to live in seclusion with his daughter Jenny (a VERY young Alyssa Milano). Unbeknownst to Matrix, but beknownst to us, the members of Matrix’s former unit are being killed off one at a time by one of his former comrades-in-arms, Bennett. Ultimately, Matrix’s daughter is kidnapped to force him to commit a political assassination, and he only has a few hours to find her.  

(NSFW: violence, language)

Tango and Cash

Kurt Russell and Sylvester Stallone are the top cops in their respective precincts. Both work alone. One is a down and dirty street detective, working the seedy underbelly of the city; the other, a clean cut stockbroker-style Detective with money to burn. Basically, it’s the Odd Couple with guns, explosion, and Teri Hatcher (when she was 80s hot).   

This is classic 80s action… bigger explosions, badder guns, and more one liners than you can shake a stick at -- but all done with a certain tongue-in-cheek tone that makes it enjoyable to watch. For once, the trailer sums it up pretty succinctly.

Highlander

Connor MacLeod lived in the highlands of Scotland with his wife, living a peaceful existence until his land was overrun by barbarians. During the battle, he received a fatal wound and should have died. Instead, as his countrymen lamented his death, he arose, regaining consciousness and was thus condemned as a demon. Exiled, Connor left his homeland and was confronted by Ramirez (Sean Connery), who told him who he is, and of the immortals. Ultimately, the immortals must fight each other to the last man, who will receive the Prize. “THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!”

They Live

From the Real Men Love files, They Live is a classic from the 80’s that bears repeating on our site because it’s just that cool. It has Rowdy Roddy Piper in it. It has sunglasses that can see aliens among us. Need more proof? Here:

One of the greatest lines of badassity ever uttered.

One of the best fight scenes of all time.

And…aw, hell, just watch it.

Die Hard

This is the one that started it all for Bruce Willis. Willis is John McClane, a Detroit cop who’s a good cop but a lousy husband. Unfortunately for him, in attempting to reunite with his estranged wife at Christmas, he wanders into a hostage situation which just happens to involve his wife’s building. So, what’s a cop to do? Save the day, of course, American cowboy style.  

And, of course, this is the movie that spawned one of my favorite catch phrases of all time:

  (NSFW: Language)  

Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins

Another classic that Real Men Love, this one bears repeating because it really is THAT 80s awesome. I won’t bore you with reiterated details as the RML Article spells it all out for you. Instead, I’ll just give you one more taste of Remo goodness:

Raiders of the Lost Ark

Indiana Jones’s first outing, Raiders of the Lost Ark, was incredible on many levels. Harrison Ford plays Indy as a no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is, apologize-for-nothing kind of guy who knows exactly what he’s capable of and isn’t afraid to say whatever the hell he’s thinking. Indiana Jones is hired by the government to recover the Ark of the Covenant (for you heathens, that’s the same Ark of God in the Old Testament of the Bible). However, the Nazis want it too. A race against time ensues, with Indy cracking wise the whole way whilst evading the Nazis, traps, snakes, and…well, more Nazis.  

Who wouldn’t want to see this movie after this trailer?

Robocop

A tongue-in-cheek actioner, Robocop is the epitome of what men love. Its mix of humor and action, coupled with some twisted social commentary, makes this a movie Real Men Love. A police officer in the futuristic 1990s is gunned down by street toughs. To save his life, his brain and surviving organs are placed into an experimental robot body and he becomes (wait for it…) ROBOCOP. Part man, part machine… All cop. 

Robocop was great on so many levels. Gratuitous violence? Check (and for the 3 men out there who haven’t seen this movie, “Red” from That 70’s Show used to be a badass):

(NSFW: language, violence) 

Hilarious social commentary? Check.

(Note the gas mileage…we’d be screwed if that thing actually existed now)

Strange how many of these things would actually come in handy nowadays… 

No CG, no cool computer graphics…all of the effects were done with stop motion animation.

And let’s not forget ED-209 (NSFW: violence)

The Wraith

Another sample of 80s greatness, The Wraith is a movie that isn’t as well known but is still phenomenal for its…well…80s-ness. Charlie Sheen is Jake Kesey, a youth who was murdered by a gang and returns as a vengeful spirit with a futuristic car, which he uses to race the members of the gang one at a time and then destroy them and their vehicles.  

An invincible futuristic car, classic 80s dialogue, and best of all, Clint Howard, make this a movie from the 80s all men should know.

Bloodsport

Jean Claude Van Damme’s best role, the one that made him an action star, was not Street Fighter: The Movie, but Bloodsport. The movie was based on a true story about Frank Dux, who fought in a secret tournament called the Kumite, in which martial artists from around the world would compete against each other for the number one spot.  

Yeahhhh, ok. It’s martial arts. It’s got Bolo Yeung, who fought Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon. And Van Damme looks not only credible, but badass in his role as Frank Dux. This is also the first time we learn that doing the splits is useful for punching a dude in the jewels.

The Road Warrior (The Mad Max series)

Yet another movie Real Men Love. You can’t watch this and tell me it doesn’t make your balls grow two sizes. Guns? Check. Post-apocalyptic future? Check. Modified muscle cars? Check. Man’s best friend, known only as “Dog”? Check. Mel Gibson delivers in a surreal and painful vision of the future, and how badass you’d have to be to live in that world. Trailer says it all…

Above the Law

Steven Seagal is a joke now, but in the 80’s he was hardcore. Above the Law is probably the greatest example of Seagal’s prowess (or at least, acting ability). Seagal is Nico Toscani, a vice cop with a high degree of training in martial arts. After investigating a drug ring and busting two of the dealers, all those he arrested in conjunction with the bust are released, and the tables are turned on Nico as he is now under investigation. That’s when Nico takes the law into his own hands. For your viewing pleasure, here is Above the Law in 4 minutes.

(NSFW: Violence) 

Of course, the dialogue is classic 80’s action, so it’s worth a rent simply for that, but it’s also nice to see Seagal in his prime, kicking ass and taking names.