Bullet Points: 10 More Weird Comic Book Ads

I've never been a fan of Captain America as a comic book character. He's not smart, like the members of the Fantastic 4. He's not as funny as Spider-Man. He's not an outlaw like the X-Men. And even though he's "powerful" and "patriotic," he pales in comparison to Superman on both counts. Let's face it... he's one boring motherfucker. I mean, case in point, Captain America's appearance in this Hostess Fruit Pie advertisement. He walks in on his buddy, Nick Fury, getting choked by an assistant to "The Trapster." And what does Cap do? He tosses the assistant a handful of fruit pies. How "brilliant" of him.  

Game Warden

Kids are the main consumers of comic books, so the ads should be targeted at them. Which makes this ad for a free pamphlet on how to get started in a career as a "Game Warden" so hilarious. Sorry, it's not just info on how to become a game warden... it's info on "how to become a GAME WARDEN, FISH-WILDLIFE MANAGER, GOVERNMENT HUNTER, FORESTER, or Aid or Assistant Type Positions that Require less Formal Education." Man, I'd like to know what position exists that requires less formal education than a game warden. ANYWAYS, for those who are interested in an exciting career in "conservation," get ready to "hunt mountain lions" as well as "parachute from planes to help marooned animals." Because when you're the game warden, you're basically a god. You decide which animals live and which die. Clearly, you shouldn't be reading this anymore. You should be reading up info on how to become a game warden. Duh. 

Laughing Bag

This is a small but absolutely puzzling ad. What the fuck is an "Electric Laughing Bag"? Who wants such a thing? How can it possibly "last indefinitely"? So many questions... man, all these questions have me stressed out. I sure could go for a bag that laughs right now--hey, wait a minute! NOW I get it! 

Money Maker 

Hey kids, want a "Money Maker"? You can put in some paper and it creates a "real dollar bill!" Hey wait, isn't this just a counterfeit money machine? For only $1.25? Sweeet! I'll be ripping off the government in no time!

Mystery Egg 

Hey man, I got a pet for you. I can't tell you what kind of pet it is yet, but trust me, dude...he's totally alive, totally lovable, he runs and climbs and crawls... so cute! He eats out of your hand too. And he comes in a large, colorful egg. Yeah, man, you want the pet or what? You do? Cool... I can tell you now... it's a baby. Have fun! 

Nuclear Sub 

The obviously false claims in this ad are just amazing. For seven bucks, you can have a seven foot long fully functional nuclear sub that fits two kids, with rockets AND torpedoes that actually fire. That alone makes this sub worth purchasing. But a word to the wise... even if the sub CAN fit two kids, please don't get inside and submerge it in water. Seven dollars can only so far... I'm sure they couldn't afford proper sealant within a budget so tight. So yeah, kids, don't actually use this as a submarine. Unless you want to drown yourself. Cuz then, this thing's perfect. 

Weird Pets 

Ah, man's best friend, the... raccoon?! According to the first of these two ads, raccoons are "one of America's favorite pets." That's funny, because the only people I've met who had raccoons as pets were these nutty ass motherfuckers who lived on my block who kidnapped my cat for a brief time and forced him to fight raccoons in a cage (true story, don't ask).  Also, they don't ask for your address in this ad... they ask for a cashier's check "with your telephone number and nearest airport." Wow, the raccoon hustle is hardcore.

Now, moving from one of America's favorite pets to one of our "most amusing," we get the ad for a squirrel monkey. I think the best place to find information on exotic animals you'd like to purchase are the classified ads in the back of a comic book. If the one inch by one inch ad says, in extremely tiny print, that this squirrel monkey is "healthy," you gotta trust that he's healthy. Because if you can't trust people who take out ads in comic books, who can you trust? Interestingly enough, both the money and the raccoon come with a "fob cage." What the fuck is a fob cage? 

Pizzazz Magazine 

Teeny bopper magazines were so hot that for a brief time in the '70s, Marvel Comics decided to break into the industry, with Pizzazz magazine. Of course, the fact that the market for teeny bopper magazines was made up entirely of young girls and the audience for comic books was made up of nerdy boys didn't seem to factor into the comic company's decision to launch this huge failure of a magazine. When no one was buying Pizzazz magazine, Marvel took a chance and started a risky ad campaign where they were basically insulting their readers.

In the first example (an earlier in the series of daring advertisements) Marvel's trying to revoke their readers' "cool kids card" by announcing to them "GET WITH IT!" and purchase Pizzazz magazine. C'mon, you fuckin' dummy, buy this magazine already. 

The second ad, which appeared later in their campaign, is still insulting but this time out is drenched in desperation. Wow, we worked SO hard on this friggin' magazine, you dumb kids. You're SUPPOSED TO BE BUYING IT, remember?! C'mon, fools.

Not surprisingly, Pizzazz lasted 16 issues before folding.

OJ Simpson for Dingo Shoes 

Anything with OJ Simpson depicted in a positive light is by default hilarious in retrospect. Also, I get the vibe from this ad that he's just about ready to rape the fuck out of these kids just for wearing the same boots as him. So the REAL message of this ad? DON'T wear Dingo boots... if you want to maintain your innocence, that is.