Bullet Points: 10 Holidays Best Suited for Drinking

Mardi Gras 

Fat Tuesday is meant to be the last day of material indulgence for Christians before the long slog of Lent.  And yet, how many of the people that you see trolling for beads at Mardi Gras do you think will be swearing off alcohol for the ensuing 40 days?  I'd wager zero of them.  I'm not complaining, of course.  Pretending you're going to be a good boy can make a fake last night of drunken carousal just as much fun as a real one.

Valentine's Day 

If you're single, Valentine's Day is a perfect opportunity to either stay home and drink yourself into oblivion or hit the bars and find someone with whom to share a night of drinking yourselves into oblivion.  If you're not single, it's a great chance to blow all kinds of cash in search of the affection you should be getting anyway, followed by drinking yourself into oblivion with someone who might have a vested interest in keeping you from drowning in the toilet.

St. Patrick's Day

Yeaaaargh, matey!  Sorry, my Irish accent sounds like a pirate (even when I type it).  Really, though, St. Fisty's is your once-per-year chance to drink green beer and pretend that food coloring somehow improves your life.  Myself, I prefer to hit the pub for as many rounds of Guinness as I can handle alongside an endless plate of cheese.  No joke there; I really enjoy and recommend it.

Cinco de Mayo 

This is the best holiday based on an historical fact that you were probably not aware of:  the French ruled Mexico less than 150 years ago.  So, grab a lime and a case of Corona -- or, as many call it, "recycled tequila" -- and celebrate the fact that, by the transitive property of wars, Texas alone would have beaten the crepes out of France.

Memorial Day 

Though the day is intended as commemoration for all the the men and women who laid down their lives in military service of the United States, it's obvious from what actually happens on Memorial Day that it's real meaning is for you to sit around on lawn chairs eating all the sausages until somebody gets the slip 'n' slide out and, inevitably, the ambulance shows up and everyone starts talking about skin grafts, which really puts a damper on everything but the drinking.

4th of July 

More or less the big brother of Memorial Day, the 4th of July is the time when friends get together to drink and watch explosives rock the sky in what comes off as a sort of bizarre taunt to the rest of the world.  Like, "Hey, check out this fake war!  We don't have to deal with real war over here.  That's for you guys.  But it sure is pretty!"  I like fireworks as much as the next guy -- especially if the next guy had his hands blown off by an M80 -- but in general, I'd rather spend the 4th just lounging around a pool.  The explosions are an unnecessary distraction from further actual fun.

Halloween

If you live in a big college town, Halloween probably tops your list, as enormous, street-closing makeshift Halloween parades/parties filled with thousands of drunken revelers -- dressed up like anything from Smurfs to the entire cast of the Thriller video -- make Halloween a ridiculous acid-less acid trip of a drunken spectacle.  Halloween is undoubtedly the top holiday for speed drinking, as you'll be doing a lot of party hopping, which means you'll frequently have to "finish that shit up so we can get the fuck out of here."  

Thanksgiving

From a day of happy drinking to, one month later, a day of drinking to escape.  Thanksgiving probably is not generally thought of as a drinking holiday, but any time you combine the stress of extended family with watching thirty football games, you're probably going to be having a few more beers than on a normal weekend.  

Christmas Day 

Similar to Thanksgiving in that you deal with football and family, but on Christmas Day you have the added ingredient of disappointment to motivate your lechery.  Furthermore, egg nog.  Many people don't like egg nog, but when you've just opened your third box of socks, you need something inconspicuous to perk up your Christmas spirit, and the nog is the grog for the Christmas slog.

New Year's Eve 

Happy days are here again, and none too soon.  Hot on the heels of the consuming depression of Christmas comes the ultimate party day.  It's the one day of the year when if you aren't hungover the next day, you might be an alcoholic.  New Year's Day, which everyone gets off of work for obvious reasons, shouldn't even be called New Year's Day.  It should be called National Saltines and Ginger Ale Day, and it shouldn't be on the calendar at all.  The new year should wait for everyone to wake up.