BOB’S OUT, WHO’S IN? THE SECRET “PRICE IS RIGHT” JOB INTERVIEWS

Aside from the twelve Emmys for Outstanding Game Show Host, and kicking the high-holy shit out of Adam Sandler in “Happy Gilmore”, Barker was best known for tapping prize models like they were sequin-dressed kegs. What those three things equal, however, are some pretty goddamn big Velcro loafers to fill for whoever relieves the aging horn dog. Luckily for loyal DV readers, I have some pretty tight connections within the Hollywood game show industry and I’ve been able to obtain some classified transcripts of job interviews for potential replacements.

 

APPLICANT NUMBER 1

 

Name: Mike Tyson

Age: 40

Experience: Public Speaking (pre-fight press conferences), Acting (Bollywood), Circus Atmosphere (Boxing), Dealing With People Only Interested In Taking Money (Don King)

Special Skills & Attributes: Amusing voice, elderly women love the facial tattoo, cannibalistic tendencies

Price Is Right (PIR): So, Mr. Tyson, tell me what interested you in the job.

Mike Tyson (MT): Well, let me tell you thumthin, I seen that old white haired man box, and he’th pretty tough but I’m pretty thure I can take him. Mainly though, I juth like surrounding mythelf with beautiful veluptuoth puthy.

PIR: Ok, well, that certainly is one of the job’s perks. Why don’t you tell me why you’d be a good fit for the position?

MT: Why, I’ll tell you why, my style is impetuouth, my defenthe impregnable, and I’m just ferociouth. I want your heart, I want to eat your children. Praithe be to Allah.

PIR: Um, ok, those are some... uh... interesting answers. Very impressive. Is there anything else you think we should know about?

MT: I wanna throw down your kid and thtomp on his tethticles, and then you will know what ith like to experience waking up every day ath me. And only then will you feel my pain. Oh ya, I can altho thell out Madithon thquare garden mathterbating.

PIR: Suuuure... OK, well, the testicle stomping and masturbating probably won’t be necessary, but you can certainly draw attention and I think this might be an interesting fit. So, thanks for coming down Mr. Tyson, I appreciate your time and we’ll be sure to let you know our decision soon.

MT: Thank you thir, I just wanna conquer people and continue to be lasthiviouth.

PIR: That’s super. Take care now.

 

APPLICANT NUMBER 2

 

Name: Alec Baldwin

Age: 49

Experience: Acting – Academy Award Nomination (The Cooler), Golden Globe Winner (30 Rock), Thirteen Time Host of Saturday Night Live

Special Skills & Attributes: Tremendous range, charming in a smarmy kind of way, doesn’t take shit from anyone be it women or [his own] children

PIR: Alec, come on in, sit down and let me start by telling you I’m a tremendous fan of your work.

Alec Baldwin (AB): Well, thank you for that, it’s always nice to be appreciated.

PIR: OK, well... to start with, Mr. Baldwin, why don’t you tell me why you’re interested in becoming the host of the Price Is Right?

AB: I’m going to level with you kid, quite frankly, I’m in it for the money and the pussy. Those showcase broads are white hot and, between you and me, my slut whore of a wife is dragging me through the coals and taking my checkbook with her.

PIR: I see, well, yes... sometimes divorces can get a bit messy.

AB: Messy? This nut-job whore is treating my bank account like one of her giant glasses of straight Grey Goose. She won’t be happy until the fucking thing is empty.

PIR: That is unfortunate… how about you tell me why you’d be a good fit as the new host?

AB: First off, you’ve had a walking zombie running the show for the past 15 years so it obviously can’t be overly difficult. Second of all, I won’t take shit from anybody, and that’s what you need if you’re going to have a successful show. For instance, I like the fact that when the winners are called, they answer the “come on down," they don’t turn their phone off when their mother tells them to and make an ass out of me like rude little pigs. And you can rest assured if someone was called down and didn’t show up, I would straighten their ass out. I would tell them they don’t have the brains or the decency of a human being, I don’t care if they’re 12 or 11 years old, they have humiliated me for the last time.

PIR: Ok, well it’s good that you would like to run a “tight ship," but we generally don’t allow minors on the show (whispers) [we call that the Barker rule], and if it’s entirely possible we really try not to berate the contestants either.

AB: Are you telling me how to do the job?

PIR: Well no I was just explaini-

AB: You see this watch? You see this watch? That watch costs more than your car. I made over eight million last year, how much did you make? You see pal, that's who I am, and you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you! Go home and play with your kids. You wanna hire me - hire! You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this, how can you take the abuse if I’m here every day? You don't like it, leave.

PIR: But I can’t leave, I have to finish the interv-

AB: Have you been fucking my ex-wife? She put you up to this didn’t she? That colossal whore, I cannot even begin to believe her nerve. She is such a money grubbing, evil, conniving, cum guzzling slut, and she won’t be happy until my career, NAY, MY WHOLE LIFE... IS RUINED!!!

PIR: Mr. Baldwin sir, I’m uh… I’m not uh… sleeping with your ex-wife.

AB: Are you going to hire me or not pal? Are you a hirer?

PIR: Well unfortunately I can’t just make a decision, I have to see all the applicants and talk to the staff and-

AB: Put that coffee down, coffee's for hirers. (Baldwin storms out)

PIR: Thanks Mr. Baldwin, it was a pleasure meeting you… Jesus Christ -- who’s next, Hannibal Lecter?

 

APPLICANT NUMBER 3

 

Name: Adam Sandler

Age: 40

Experience: Acting – Modern day comedy classics Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, The Waterboy, cast member and writer on Saturday Night Live 5 years

Special Skills & Attributes: Heavy drinking frat types worship him, old ladies and kids find him cute and innocent, might be partially retarded

PIR: Come on in Adam, nice to meet you. Oh, I see you’ve worn jeans, sneakers and a cut-off rugby jersey to the interview. How nice.

Adam Sandler (AS): Well you know what they say, if you ain’t comfy, you probably gonna peeeee yourself, ahowha howha giggagga. Oh ya, and sooooo sweeeeet, want to touch the puuuuussy.

PIR: I see, right well please tell me why you’re interested in the position?

AS: Did you see what Barker did to me? He whooped me like a red-headed stepchild in my own movie. I was gonna puts poo in a bag, then sets the bag on fire and put it on his door step, but I figured, if you can’t beat him or join him, just replace him.

PIR: OK, I’m not really sure what that even means.

AS: Tell-a-heee-whooo.

PIR: Indeed… OK, could you let me know why you think you’d make a good host?

AS: That my friend is a fine idea, but how about I tell you with a little song?

PIR: Um… sure.

AS: (pulls out guitar) I’d be the best host, cuz’ in the golf game I’d sink every putt, and when old grannies or hotties come on down I’d let them pinch my butt.

I know the ins and outs, of the great game of plinko, occasionally I get bad gas so things might get a little stinko.

And when the mountain climber, sings out his yodelodeo, I’ll be behind door number three, with a model playin’ rodeo.

And when it’s time to spin the wheel, I’ll show them how it’s done, but most of all I deserve the job cuz I’m Bob’s illegitimate sonnnnnn……

PIR: Well that was amusing, thanks Adam, is there anything else you’d like to add?

AS: Ice cream makes my teeth hurt, dabba-deedooo.

PIR: OK, well... thanks for coming in today, have a safe trip home and don’t forget your helmet.

 

APPLICANT NUMBER 4

 

Name: Samuel Leroy Jackson

Age: 58

Experience: Acting – Academy Award Nomination (Pulp Fiction), Jedi Knight (Star Wars prequels), Superb in Time To Kill

Special Skills & Attributes: Jedi mind tricks, projects voice very well, may startle old women

PIR: Mr. Jackson, an absolute pleasure, please have a seat.

Sam Jackson (SLJ): Thank YOU for havin’ me down here.

PIR: Tell me Mr. Jackson, what interested you in the position?

SLJ: You gotta be joking me, DUDE, YOU KNOW I’M ALL ABOUT THE PUSSY.

PIR: Yes, well that seems to be a popular response today, though I’m not quite sure why you’re shouting at me. Anyways, what would you bring to the role.

SLJ: What I bring? ME MUTHAFUCKA, WHAT DO YOU THINK I BRING. Nasty, badass, sexy, jive-talking, silk-shirt-wearin’ STYYYYYLE MUTHAFUCKA. Some color’s what the role NEEEEDS.

PIR: Yes, that would certainly be refreshing.

SLJ: That would be WHAT?

PIR: Re-freshing?

SLJ: SAY REFRESHING AGAIN, SAY REFRESHING AGAIN, I DARE YOU, I DOUBLE DARE YOU MUTHAFUCKA, SAY REFRESHING ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME.

PIR: If you’ll just excuse me I just have to check on something-

SLJ: THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT! (Sam leaves angered)

 

APPLICANT NUMBER 5

 

Name: Rosie O’Donnell

Age: 45

Experience: Acting – several forgettable roles, co-host The View (1 year before termination)

Special Skills & Attributes: Magnet for publicity (and controversy), attracts female demographic, can eat a tray of 98 soft shell tacos in one sitting

PIR: Ms. O’Donnell, how nice to see you.

Rosie O’Donnell (RO): Well this is a great opportunity for me and I’m just real excited at the chance.

PIR: So what is it that draws you to the position?

RO: The pussy.

PIR: I probably should have seen that one coming, OK, and why should we hire you?

RO: You know that golden god guy, Midas, or is he the muffler guy, whatever, you know how everything he touches turns to gold, well I’m like that, only the opposite. Everything I touch goes to hell.

PIR: And this makes you an attractive candidate how?

RO: Buddy, the only thing that can make me attractive is a paper bag and six years of liposuction, I just figured I’d come here and see if I could get in an intense debate, I’m very strong in my convictions you know. Well, unless they interfere with my career.

PIR: Well, Rosie, I’ve had a pretty exhausting day and I really don’t have time to argue with you about anything.

RO: In that case, I quit. (Rosie leaves)

PIR: (dials cell phone number) Pat, prepare to get sticky feet, you finally scored your dream job, tell Vanna she’s not invited though. She’s too old. You start Monday. Don’t fuck it up.

Disclaimer: all interviews are complete fabrications and in no way represent anything resembling common sense or reality