Best of Craig: Happy Endings

I’m in love with a Hungarian Supermodel.

The Consigliore and Rex are in Prague and I’m on my way to meet them. I’ve landed in Frankfurt and head to the train station. It’s been 14 years since I lived in Germany and I wonder if they’ve missed me? My German is rusty, but I’ll get by. The World Cup is on and where better to go than Europe.

I jump on the train and order a beer. I really don’t want to drink right now but since everyone is staring at me I figure I should blend in. It’s going to be a bender of European proportions so I might as well start now.

I’ve been on bender’s before, but this is going to be 11 days of alcohol. Sure there will be plenty of beer but there will also be liquor that you can’t even buy in West Virginia. But that’s normal over here. God forbid you want a water, they’ll ask if you want it with gas. Nursing a hangover with Mineral Water is freaking disgusting. Ask for ice cubes and you might as well be asking for the local chapter of The Hitler Jugend.

It’s a short trip to Dresden, then I’ll change trains and head to Prague. There’s an announcement and the train stops. I think nothing of this for the first 10 minutes but start getting a little nervous as more announcements are made.

Alright maybe my German is a little rusty. I ask the lady next to what’s going on and she tells me that there are cows on the track. This can’t be good. I continue to drink-heavily.

Thirty minutes and the train starts moving. I look at my watch and realize we’re cutting this close. We hit Dresden and I run to my transfer. The train is pulling away, it’s a scene from a bad movie.

Wait there’s still a chance I’ll make it. I’m getting cheered on by the German passengers. I reach out and it’s just too far. I can’t do it. I can’t get on the train, and my movie crashes to an end. I need a beer.

It’s four hours until the next train and I have nothing to do. Dresden seems like a happening town so I head in. Maybe I’ll grab a beer or six and pass the time. I turn the corner and see a large rally. Probably a promotion for German Soccer or something. I get closer and see the American Flag getting burned. They’re equal opportunists though as they’re burning the British Flag and German Flag as well. The chants are loud and they’re getting close. I turn to walk away.

“You should probably leave, they don’t like American’s.” The man tells me in perfect English.

“Uhh how did you know I’m American?”

“We don’t wear Redskins jersey’s over here.”

“Why don’t they like us?” I ask him.

“Have you not heard of Dresden?”

“It’s a pretty cool bar in LA that was made popular by Swingers. Granted now it’s a tourist destination but you can still grab a good drink from time to time.”

“This is a different Dresden. At the end of World War II the British fire bombed the city and there’s been resentment ever since. This rally though, this is a pro-fascist rally, so I suggest you get out of here.”

“Touche.” I head back to the train station.

I grab my bags and find out the train is delayed even further. This isn’t fun, I’m hungry, drunk and want to be held. Seven beers later and the train is ready to leave.

We hit the border and the Czech guards and ask for my passport. They see I was born in Germany and question me in the native tongue. I struggle to explain to them that I’m heading to Prague. They’re not amused. Suddenly I don’t trust my German. It might be because I learned it by playing Castle Wolfenstein. I think I just told him I have a bomb and I’m planning on killing Adolf.

The announcement is made that we’re in Praha. I have no idea that this is Prague. I don’t understand why a cities name changes depending on the language. Granted I don’t understand a lot of things.

I don’t get how I only get lonely when I’m on a strange train in a strange land. I don’t get how Kelly and Jesse disappeared from Bayside for four episodes and we were thrown a new character in Tori. I don’t get how Tori disappeared and Kelly and Jesse returned. I don’t understand how Jesse was all set to go to Stansbury but instead went to Vegas and became a dancer. I don’t get how Zack made out with Lisa and then we never continued that story line? I wonder was that Bayside’s first inter-racial kiss?

My first inter-racial romance was with Emma. She was Mexican and we made out behind the school bus. I don’t know how The Colonel would have felt about that. Not that she’s Mexican, he’s dabbled with his own nationalities-He’s told me on several occasions that I shouldn’t be surprised if a hairy Vietnamese guy in his 40’s shows up and says he’s my brother. I just don’t know how he would have felt with me making out with enlisted girls behind the bus.

My mind wonders to Emma and her nice Mexican lips. I’d like to think she thinks of me often, but I doubt it. I didn’t become a good kisser until Nicole. God I loved her. One time we made out during the entire Recess. It was a Belconnen School record. The first time I touched her boobs was during Wrestlemania at Julian’s house. Which would probably explain why I get aroused whenever I see Hulk Hogan. I didn’t know what to do with the hooters so I just cupped them. I wonder is that what I’m still supposed to do? I need a manual or something.

I’m contemplating closing the blinds when the train starts to move. I take a swig from my beer when the train operator tells me that we’re in Prague. Apparently Prague equals Praha. I grab my stuff, leave my memories of Hogan and jump off the train.

I dust myself off and grab the address of the apartment we’re staying at. I hand it to the cab driver and he tells me to get in.

“You realize I could kill you and no one would ever know.” He tells me as we’re driving into town.

He didn’t actually tell me that but I was thinking it. Suddenly I realize how drunk and scared I’ve become. I’d kill for some Wrestlemania right now. By the time we get to the town square I’m in tears.

I get out of the cab and head towards the address.

“Sex.” The gypsy whispers to me.

“Excuse me?”

“Hashish.”

“Umm no I’m actually trying to cut back.”

“Blow job.”

“Well now you might be onto something.”

This must be great for the tourism board. I’m contemplating the offer when I hear a familiar voice.

“Don’t do it, she’s no good.” I look up and it’s Rex. If anyone would know, it would be him. I’m buzzed upstairs.

I fill them in on the last day of my life and they tell me that they thought I was dead. They didn’t seem to upset though since they’ve already drank a case of beer.

We hit Praha. Within minutes Rex is making out with a poor man’s Donna from That 70’s show. Now when I say poor I mean Calcutta poor, but by the time we’re back in The States we’ll tell everyone she’s hot. He disappears and I’m hanging with The Consigliore.

“There’s something you should know.” Whenever he starts telling me something like this I realize I should listen up. After all he is my advisor.

“They’ve got this thing over here where a girl will ask you to buy her a drink. You say alright and she’ll order ‘A Drink’ from the bar. Then when you get the bill you’ll be charged a boat load of money. When you complain they’ll show you a menu that states ‘A Drink = 3000 Euros’ then when you don’t pay it they kick the crap out of you.”

I take a second for this to sink in and then realize that it’s a good safety tip.

I’m still contemplating this when two girls ask if they can join us. I immediately start looking around for European Meatheads to kick the crap out of me. It looks alright and they sit down.

The questions start flowing and I realize they’re English is better than mine. I’m in love with Maria. She’s Italian and my Uncle’s would be proud of me. Her dad is the assistant ambassador and I ask her if she likes wrestling. She doesn’t. The girls start whispering to each other in Italian. Maria looks at me.

“I love you. I want you to hold me. I want to marry you. I want our children to have dual citizenship and our youngest will play professional soccer in Italy. Then he’ll decide to play for America and you’ll be so proud.” I’d be so happy.

Sadly though she didn’t tell me this. She did however ask me to buy her “A Drink.”

My world crashes to a halt. This can’t be. I look at The Consigliore and then the girls. I need his help but these damn Europeans and they’re superior school systems. Why do they have to speak perfect English? I can’t ask him what to do.

Wait I’ve got it.

“Meesa thinkin’ they be normal?”

Thank you Jar Jar Binks and the wonderful language of the Gungan’s. I doubt they teach this in Europe.

“Meesa thinkin’ you don’t be gotten money.” The Consigliore retorts. He’s right. I really don’t feel like getting my ass kicked and lord knows I don’t have thousands of dollars to spend on “A Drink.”

“Maria I’ve thought about your offer and will have to decline. Feel free to purchase your own drink and return to this sitting area where we can continue our love for each other.”

Maria and her friend are offended and leave. When I say they leave, they just went two tables over to some Canadians. They buy her a beer and I wait for the goons to appear. They never do. His arm is around her. I’m not happy. I’m sad. I need Emma. I knew we should have gone to Mexico. I hate Canadians and their free health care and now they’ve stolen Maria.

I finish my beer, grab The Consigliore and leave. I pass the Gypsies and their offers of sex, drugs and sausage.

Actually I stop for the sausage. They’re good. I should be eating this with Maria and I’m not. I wonder if Gypsy sex is as good as the sausage? The Consigliore wont let me find out. I’m sad and we head back to the apartment.

Rex wakes us up with stories of his sexy time adventure. I tell him about the sausage. His story is better. We head to the local bar and watch the US team lose.

Prague is wonderful with all sorts of things to do. The Charles Bridge, some castle and a bunch of other things I didn’t do but read about in my travel book. Instead we head to the bar, watch more soccer and decide Praha is dead to us.

It’s time to head to Budapest. I heard the sausage is dirt cheap over their.

The three of us pile into our train compartment and start drinking. After my third beer Rex tells me to shut up about Maria. After my fourth beer the air condition runs out. I’m fat, drunk and hairy. Now I’m starting to sweat. I just want Maria to be happy.

After 14 beers and three pounds of sweat, we end up in Budapest. We need a room. A guy named Tomas Tomas has an apartment for rent. It’s cheap, has three beds, and we probably should have asked him if it’s in a nice area.

As he leaves Rex asks if there is anything in particular that we should do.

“Make sure you go to the Turkish Bath while you’re here.” Tomas Tomas tells us.

“The Turkish Bath?” The Consigliore asks realizing that for the past thousand years they haven’t had the best reputation.

“Yes. It’s great. They touch you everywhere.”

“Everywhere?” Rex asks.

“Everywhere.”

“Everywhere?” I ask.

“Everywhere.”

“Everywhere?” The Consigliore asks.

“Everywhere.”

“So I think what the three of us are asking is that the girls at The Turkish Bath touch us everywhere?” Rex asks.

“Yes they even touch the smallest little parts on your body.”

“Perfect.” Rex tells him.

We get directions and head to the bath.

“Hello Tomas Tomas recommended that we come here and get touched everywhere.” I tell the receptionist who is hot and hanging on my every word as I’m gorgeous. I actually just made that part up. She is hot though.

“We can fit you in right now.”

We head off and get changed. They tell us to take off all our clothes and my excitement is starting to show.

They take us into a room with three beds. That’s cool we can all watch each other. I don’t care, if it gets awkward we can just close our eyes. The massages begin.

An hour later they end. I’m confused and sit up. I look over at The Consigliore and Rex.

“Umm did you guys get touched ‘everywhere’?”

“Nope.”

“Excuse me miss. Tomas squared told us that we’d be touched everywhere and the receptionist confirmed it downstairs. We’d like to be touched everywhere now.”

They’re not amused.

“So if you would all like to continue I am a rich American that will tip you $5.”

They’re still not amused.

“We’re not leaving until I get some damn answers.”

A few moments later they bring in the goons. We say nothing, tip a months salary and head out. I miss Maria.

We’re walking around when we pass Rocco’s American Style Eatery. The hostess is beyond beautiful and she asks us to join her. If this lady touched me everywhere I’d never leave Hungary. I inform her of this and she’s not amused. Our waitress comes over and she’s amazing.

Now I’ve been fortunate enough to travel all over the world. I’ve seen some amazing things and when I say things I mean woman but Hungarian woman are far and away the best looking in the world. I put the girls from Rocco’s up against anyone else in the world.

Maybe it’s because of decades of Russian rule and oppression. The fact that they can’t afford to eat and therefore are able to keep such svelte figures. I don’t know I just realize I’m contemplating moving to Hungary and working at Rocco’s as a cook.

We order our food and Rex takes an immediate liking to Marilyn. I don’t know if that’s her name, but she tells us she’s such a fan of Marilyn Monroe and she models herself after her. I don’t have the heart to tell her that Marilyn has been dead for some time, and realize that her movies probably just got released over here. By the look of Rex I don’t think he cares either.

Our American Style cuisine is great and the American style cocktails better. The waitress has become our social director and she suggests a club for us to go to. Rex asks her to join us and she tells us to come back and pick her up. We’ll head out to a swanky bar at Vaci U. As we’re leaving I think of Maria. I wonder if she’s moved to Canada?

We wonder the streets near our apartment and I realize we’re staying in the Hungarian Mob district. I try not to stick out but that’s a little hard as I’m wearing my Yankees hat, Redskins Jersey, and Zubaz pants. I figure I should probably change before we hit the club.

“Look I was reading up about Budapest and I think you should know what I found.” Another safety tip from The Consigliore.

The Consigliore opens his travel book and reads: “An offer you can’t refuse. Fellas watch out! You may meet her-an English speaking Hungarian hotty-at a swank bar or on the street around Vaci U. She’ll nonchalantly suggest leaving, perhaps with her friends. Then you’ll lose your kidneys.”

“When they do that-do they take both kidneys? I mean if I’ve got one I can still survive right?”

“I really don’t know, I just thought you should know.”

“Thanks again I appreciate it. Just remember the last safety tip cost me true love with Maria.”

We’re back at Rocco’s and Marilyn is decked out like Marilyn. Seriously I think she got dressed by watching The Seven Year Itch. Regardless she’s pretty hot and Rex is happy. I was happy once. It was just a few days ago in Praha. Maybe I’ll get there again.

We enter the club and it’s a mixed crowd. When I say mixed I mean the girls are all amazing Hungarians and the guys are all meatheads that belong on a construction site. I feel like Luke Skywalker walking into Mos Eisley. I don’t belong.

We grab a seat and order some drinks. Rex is doing his JFK impression and making out with Marilyn. God bless him. Rex that is.

The Consigliore and I are scanning the crowd and there she is. I smile at her and she returns the favor. I glance over my shoulder, that was definitely aimed at me. I smile again and she smiles back.

“Dude I think I’m getting checked out.” I tell The Consigliore.

“There’s no way. She’s way to hot for you. Wait-yep-she’s checking you out.”

“What do I do?”

“Well I think you need to get off your ass-wait she’s coming over here.”

The Hungarian comes over and asks if she can join us. I kick The Consigliore out of his seat and she joins me. Her name’s Zoe and she looks like Heidi Klum. I’ll be her Seal and even poke my face up if she wants me to.

“Hello.” Her English is perfect. When I say perfect I mean she can barely speak the language which is all I need.

“Hello.” I smile at her. Then there’s silence.

“You have nice teeth.” She tells me.

“Thank you Dr. Hamner will be quite happy to know that. He was my orthodontist. He had a poster in his office that said ‘It’s Hamner Time’ and it was a picture of a tooth holding a drill.”

This is lost on her. Come on now don’t blow this. We sit and chat for a few minutes.

She’s intrigued me from the beginning. I’ve never seen someone successfully light a cigarette while still smoking but Zoe has perfected it. In America we count cigarette smoking by the amount of packs. Zoe went through a carton in five minutes. It’s not that big of a deal though, after all I bite my nails.

“Would you like a drink?” I ask her.

The Consigliore is looming behind her and he shoots me a glance. I lost out on love once already, I don’t want it to happen again. I need this. I need her. I grab a drink and wait for the goons. They don’t show up. Things are finally looking good.

Her phone rings and she answers. Damn I’m done.

“My friends come soon.”

“Oh cool. Are they girls?”

“Yes and they are twins.” Oh thank you so much.

The Hungarian Twins show up and I check for camera’s. This has to be some sort of joke. There is no way I’m hanging out with the three of these. The beers keep flowing and Zoe and I are getting closer and closer.

“I think you should know that I love you.” I didn’t tell her this but I should have.

The twins start whispering amongst themselves and with Zoe. The three of them stand up and begin to walk away. They ask me to join them. Here it is the single greatest sexy time adventure in the history of man-kind. I smile at The Consigliore and begin to leave.

“If he leaves with them, he’ll never come back.” The meathead bouncer tells The Consigliore.

“The book, the book.” The Consigliore reaches into his fanny pack and pulls out The Let’s Go Europe Travel Guide. He opens to page 325. If hot European Girls ask you to leave, don’t do it.

The Consigliore is hot on my trail and calls out my name.

“Dude, your kidneys. You’ll lose your kidneys.”

“Huh?”

“The girls they’re setting you up. Don’t you get it you’re a dead man.”

This can’t be true. I don’t want to be gutted. I want to be loved, held, caressed. I’m lonely and looking for love in Budapest.

“Are you coming?” Zoe beckons and the twins wave me over.

I become a bobble head bouncing between The Consigliore and the girls. I gave up on love with Maria and I don’t want that now. I turn to The Consigliore.

“Just be careful.”

They take me to their car and I jump in the back with Zoe. I’ve never had sexy time in a car but now’s as good a time as any. Twin #1 pulls out a package and unravels it. I don’t know what’s going on and I lean forward. I’m still a little worried about getting gutted.

“I think you should all know that I’m on dialysis three times a week, so you probably couldn’t get much for my kidneys.”

This was totally lost on them. Regardless I’ve got one arm on the door in case I need to do a high speed bailout.

The package gets passed around and I look a little closer. I’ve seen Miami Vice enough to know that my Hungarian girlfriends are now enthralled in some nose candy. It gets passed from Twin #1 to Twin #2 to Zoe. She offers me some.

I’m hesitating. Images are popping into my head. I just say no.

“But you are from LA. Everyone does it in LA.”

Hmm how does she know that?

“Since I am model, I only do it to keep my weight down.”

“Oh you see in America we have gyms that girls go to, to keep their weight off. But you might be onto something with this.”

There is one thing my mom always taught me it was to stay away from girls on drugs as they’re loose. However since I’ve gotten older I’ve taken that to mean I have a better shot at a sexy time adventure with a girl whose on drugs. I figure this is just another annoying vice she has. I lean in to kiss her. She pulls back. I lost out.

“What is your friend doing?”

I turn around and see The Consigliore doing his best to hide behind a shrub. I roll down the window and call him over.

“What are you doing?”

“Checking on you. How are your kidneys?”

Zoe and The Twins invite him in. Within a few moments he’s invited to partake.

“It’s cool,” I tell him, “it’s for keeping your weight off.”

A few minutes later and we’re out of the car. The Twins are leaving and they’re taking Zoe home. She gets out to tell me goodbye.

“I love you Zoe.”

“I know. Will I see you again?” She asks. It appears that a tear is streaming down her face. I can’t tell for sure though because I’m sobbing.

“We leave for Munich tomorrow.”

“Oh.” She says.

“You should come.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“I’ll get you pregnant.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

I write down our departure information and ask her to join us.

The Consigliore and I leave. We head back to the apartment and walk in on Rex and Marilyn. I’m to upset to even watch. I cuddle up with my pillow and go to sleep.

The next day we head to the station. I turn down more items form the Gypsies and I wonder if I’ll ever fall in love.

We get on the train and Rex fills us in on another sexy time adventure. I’m really happy that his trip is working out so well for him.

I turn down a beer for the first time in days. I can’t believe I’ve given up on love again. We pull away from the station.

“Hey is that Zoe?” The Consigliore asks.

“What?” I look out the window. It’s her!

I run to the door and throw my hand out.

“Faster Zoe, you’ve got to run faster!”

The train’s pulling away and it’s my last chance at love. I throw my arm out and our fingers touch. She’s just not fast enough.

I’m in love with a cigarette smoking, cocaine snorting Hungarian Supermodel. That’s it. That’s the last time I saw Zoe.

That was four years ago during the last World Cup. I’d like to say I haven’t thought of Zoe since then but that would be a lie. The World Cup is back on and the memories of her come rushing back.

There’s really only one thing I can do. I need to drink. Heavily.

I head out to a bar in Los Angeles. I’m not looking for much. Just a model with an affliction for nose candy. If only I didn’t listen to Nancy Reagan four years ago.