Best and Worst of Robert DeNiro

#5

Best:  Heat
Ho.  Ly.  Shit.  This movie kicks so much ass, Chuck Norris named his right boot after it.  When DeNiro's not exchanging believable threats with Al Pacino, he's letting us know exactly how badass he is in 10 words (or less):  "I am double the worst trouble you ever thought of."

 

Worst:  Hide and Seek
When they advertised this movie, they shouldn't have even mentioned DeNiro or his prodigy of a co-star and controversy of the moment, Dakota Fanning.  They should have just said, "From the director of Swimfan, another heap of decaying garbage that will make you wish you were puking knives instead of watching it."  This movie is so predictable, you'll feel like Nostradamus just watching it, and you'll try to prove your skills to your friends by betting on sporting events and end up with a tattoo of a cock on my chest that will only end up as a cock-shaped scar if I get it surgically removed.  I hate this movie.

#4

Best:  Raging Bull
DeNiro punched his way to Oscar glory in this film about the great but self-destructive middleweight Jake LaMotta.  The movie that made millions of men want to beat the hell out of someone just so someone else could say, "He ain't pretty no more!"

Worst:  The Fan
I don't know how anybody could think a knife salesman stalking a baseball star could be a good premise for a dramatic movie.  I mean, a knife salesman is creepy enough even if he never stalks anybody.  But I guess the real question is:  "Why would anybody stalk Wesley Snipes?"  If DeNiro could have only seen into the future at the smashed anus that is Snipes' career (seriously, who has starred in more terrible movies?), he might have been wise enough to avoid playing a psycho just this once.  Bad decision.  If he was going to be in a movie with Snipes', it should have been "White Men Can't Jump", because that would have been funny.


#3

Best:  Goodfellas
The second of three Scorcese pics to make the list, DeNiro is terrible as the gangster who sort of has a conscience.  I'm breaking your balls, DeNiro is great.  Especially in the scene where he messes with Joe Pesci until he shoots a kid in the foot, and then later in the chest, and then only punishes him by making him dig the hole.  As far back as I can remember, I always wanted DeNiro to win the Oscar instead of Joe Pesci, who is funny like a clown, like he's here to amuse us.

Worst:  Showtime
Here's another abortion of a movie idea:  an old school cop and a flashy Eddie Murphy cop team up to star in a reality TV show, apparently about making a shitty movie.  Also, it was billed as a comedy, despite the fact that it is actually a tragedy.  Less fun than a diabetic coma, but with more William Shatner (for now).


#2

Best:  Taxi Driver
Maybe the best movie to not win Best Picture (it lost to Rocky).  It's the rare perfect movie, in which DeNiro plays maybe the lonliest man on the planet in search of a purpose, which he eventually decides is to hide an arsenal on his body and rescue Jodie Foster by shooting everyone she knows to death.  "Are you talking to me?" is the sentence that will be linked to DeNiro for eternity, but it's a little known fact that it was a rhetorical question:  DeNiro knew who you were talking to.

Worst:  Analyze That
This "movie" is a sequel to a "movie" that holds as it's foundation the novelty of seeing the constant tough guy DeNiro cry to his therapist, Billy Crystal, of "The Legend of Curly's Gold" fame.  The only moderately entertaining part of this movie was when the reel caught on fire while I was watching it, and the melting film made Lisa Kudrow look like she belonged on screen with DeNiro, because they were both melting.  Plus it allowed me to get a free ticket to another movie, but I burned it to purify myself.


#1

Best:  The Godfather:  Part II
Best movie ever?  This one is so good that DeNiro won best supporting actor over two other guys from the same movie.  If I ever stab someone, I will have to be sure to remember to calmly say, "This is for you," as I do it.  And if anyone ever stabs me, I hope they have the same sense of decency about it.

Worst:  The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
Have you ever sat down to take a shit and had it come out sideways?  Uh... me neither.  But that's what I imagine this movie is like:  it was always going to stink, but did it have to be so goddamned painful?  It's no surprise that the director was laughed out of Hollywood entirely... what's surprising is how seriously DeNiro took his part as Fearless Leader.  It's said that it's the only time an actor has prepared to adapt a cartoon character using method acting.  What's his motivation?  It should have been to stay away from this heaping chunk of annoying.