Beer Interviews: Hoegaarden

DV: So, tell me a little about yourself. 

Hoegaarden: Well, I am from Belgium. 

DV: Like the waffles? 

Hoegaarden: Sure. Fucking idiot. 

DV: I think you taste delicious. When I need to drink my pain away, nothing does the trick like a tall bottle of...you. You're like a magician...you make things, like pain, my bills...and my wife...disappear. But, for the readers who don't know you, inside and out, like I do...what do you taste like? 

Hoegaarden: (nervous laugh) Well...I'm a traditional "white beer" with citrus undertones. Think of lemonade mixed with Bud...but not bad and instead very, very good. 

DV: You're so cute. Moving along...word on the street is that you're getting rather hip these days. Care to comment? 

Hoegaarden: Hip? What are you talking about? 

DV: Well, between sponsoring celebrity galas at Sundance and making it on the "cool brands" list in the UK, it seems like you're moving past your humble Belgium roots. 

Hoegaarden: Don't pay any attention to that. I'm no fad beer. Leave the cool-cachet to Pabst Blue-Ribbon--they have to pretend they're hip because they taste like an 80-year-old pissed in a can. But me? I'm all about good taste. And if that brings me Celebrity friends, well, then so be it. 

DV: You've changed, man. But it's all good. So, I heard this weird rumor... 

Hoegaarden: Ok... 

DV: Well, that you've...well, got living yeast in your mix. 

Hoegaarden: Ahh. The "living yeast" question. I was waiting for that one. 

DV: You don't have to answer if you don't... 

Hoegaarden: No! No, no, no, it's cool. Well, the answer is...yes. Yes, I have living yeast inside of me. 

DV: Shouldn't you see someone about that? Get it checked out? 

Hoegaarden: No. It's part of what makes me taste good.  

DV: Yeah...sort of like in that movie, Phenomenon, how John Travolta got super smart because he actually had a brain tumor. 

Hoegaarden: Nothing like that. 

DV: So...seeing anyone lately? You've been linked in the press with fellow European beer Stella. 

Hoegaarden: That slut? No. We've gotten together a couple times, but it's not dating. I'm too busy focusing on tasting like awesome beer to be dating right now. 

DV: Ah, a confirmed bachelor. I like that. I'm a confirmed bachelor too. Too busy myself. What, with coming up with imaginary interviews with glasses of beer and all. 

Hoegaarden: (sits quietly on the table) 

DV: (drinks beer) Damn. That's good.