Attack mode: When Animals Attack

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Avoid the attack altogether

It’s widely accepted that normally, animals don’t consider humans prey (except sharks, who will eat anything) so if you can stay away from them--do it. Most of the time animals attack because they think you are some sort of threat or are invading their turf. They also attack when surprised, injured, or proved is some way or another. So if you poke a wild bear with a stick, don’t be surprised if it gets pissed off and rips off your limbs and beats you to death with them. Staying out of areas where dangerous animals live is a good idea too. They can’t really attack you if you’re not there, right? But if that isn't an option...

Bears

While feared by the general public, bears are normally safe and non-confrontational animals. They mainly just want your picnic basket of food, but if you scare one or one thinks you are after its cubs, watch out. The first thing you want to do is make noise so you don’t surprise one. They will generally hide or move away from you.

If you do come across a bear, raise your arms over your head to make yourself seem bigger. Talk to the bear pleading to it that it doesn’t maim you to death, at the same time backing away from it slowly. DON’T RUN. This is an open invitation for an attack and it will accept. They can also run faster than humans so don’t do it.

When all else fails and the bear comes for you, drop to the ground and play dead. It seems ridiculous, but human isn’t on a bear's diet, and chances are it won’t eat you. It may bat you around a bit in curiosity, but in time it should get bored of you and move on. If not, it’s time to fight back. Punch, claw and scream like your life depended on it, which of course, it just might. And if it does kill you at least you didn’t go out like a bitch.

Big Cats

When big cats are on the attack (such as mountain lions, pumas and tigers) there’s really not much to do. Try to stay on your feet and fight like hell. Punch, claw and yell. If you have anything on you, use it. Beat it with your watch if you have to. Because once a big cat starts to attack, the likelihood that it will stop is slim and none. It will attack until either you’re its next meal or you fight hard enough it that it gives up. If you try to lie down and play dead, that is what you will end up.

Dogs

Probably the most common form of animal attack, quick and calm reactions are key to surviving an attack from a wild dog. First, don’t run. If you didn’t notice, dogs like to chase things so remain calm and try to talk you way out of the attack using a soothing voice. While whispering sweet nothings, slowing back away, keeping your body tall and facing the animal. This would be the ideal time to start looking for some sort of weapon, such as a stick or large rock.

If the animal does come for you, you’re best bet is to try going karate kid on its ass and kick it. Your legs are naturally much bigger and stronger than your arms and are ideal for defense. If you were lucky enough to find a stick or knife, always go for the animals face and eyes. That’s where the beast is most vulnerable and a good shot in the right place will make it think twice about continuing its assault.

 

Sharks

If you’re in the water and a shark attacks you your options are pretty limited. The obvious and most desirable course of action is to get the fuck out of the water. If this can’t be accomplished in a timely fashion, keep your eye on the shark and try to remain calm. Don’t try to out swim the beast, as it will catch you.

If you can, get your back against something or if you are with someone, get back to back. This will keep any potential attacks in front of you and you won’t be surprised by any other fish looking for a meal.

If the shark does a bump and run (as in it didn’t take a huge bite out of you), don’t be fooled into thinking he’s given up and swam away. Most likely the shark is just circling you and trying to figure out when to move in for the kill. That’s why keeping track of the fish is important.

When it does attack, the only thing you can do is to try and fight it off with your arms and legs. Always go for the eyes, as those are the only things vulnerable on a shark. Still, the best thing you can do is to get out of the water. Most sharks don’t like human anyway, but if you’re in the water and bleeding, it will eat you

 

Poisonous creatures

Most of the time you will be much bigger than these creatures, so avoiding or even killing them before they kill you is easier than with any other dangerous creatures. Most also have either a visual or audible warning system. So pay attention to those, as they will probably save you ass.

Snakes are the most dangerous of the creatures, but unlike spiders or bugs are easier to avoid. If you do come across a potentially poisonous snake, backing away slowly is the best course of action. You’re bigger than them, so they’re both intimidated and threatened at the same time, two things that make animals attack.

There’s really no advice if you accidentally step on or somehow grab a hidden snake. You’re going to get bit and then the only thing you can do is try to get some help and pray to whatever God you believe in for help.

Next up are poisonous bug, toad or spiders. Defeating these creatures is easiest as our superior size allows us crush them pretty easily. Again, if you get bit call poison control and hope help gets there in time.

Humans

The most dangerous animal of them all, there’s nothing worse than a crazed wild human attacking your ass. Unlike with most wild animals, running like a little bitch is totally acceptable, especially if they are bigger and stronger than you. You just have to eye up your attacker and make a judgment call on whether or not you can make it.

Talking you way out of trouble is an option as well, but depending on the level of aggravation of your attacker sometimes this won’t work. Tricking them might work, but again, if they’re really pissed the old “what’s that over there” ploy won’t work either.

Time to look for a weapon. Anything, and we mean anything can be used to fend someone off. Nothing is too small or dull. If it comes down to it, a tablespoon can be used as a weapon. It all comes down to how bad you don’t want to get your ass kicked.

Also you can try this.