Attack Mode: What To Do When Your Coworker Goes Postal

 

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Run and/or Hide

If there's a shooter at your office, and you want to get out alive, your first responsibility will be to know how to get out.  That is, you need to know your building like the back of your hand.  Knowing all the entrances and exits is a good first step, but if you really want to be ready for anything, you'll be best served to also memorize the location of every window, every telephone and even any ducts big enough for you to fit through.  Think of your office as a battlefield.  You'll want the opportunity for a tactical advantage, and in order to secure that advantage, you'll have to have the background to determine how to get there.

The other thing you should know is your office's procedure for such an incident.  This procedure may or may not prove useful to you in the event a gunman comes to your office, but it is imperative that you know it, because -- if the shooter is from your office -- you can bet the man with the gun does.  He's probably been planning this for months, if not years, and he may have -- based on this procedure -- formulated a fairly realistic scenario of how the office will react to the crisis.  Again, the procedure may or may not break down depending on how thoroughly the shooter has planned and anticipated, but it's key that you know what it is because it will be a part of your environment should this actually take place, and the more aware you are, the better chance you'll have of having an insane and harrowing story to tell your grandkids -- rather than just becoming that story.

It should be noted that running from an office shooter should be done as stealthily as possible, as if he doesn't know you're there, he's not going to aim at you.  If you hear gunshots from a direction opposite that of an exit, and you can't see the shooter, keep your head down and get to that exit as quickly and quietly as possible.  Yeah, we know you want to be a hero, and yeah, you could probably kick his ass, but you're not going to kick a bullet's ass.  Taking a bullet is a rotten way to spend an afternoon when you should be out in the sun somewhere, sipping on a Jack and Coke and not taking a bullet.  If the gunshots are close enough that you think the gunman may emerge into your room as you make your way to the exit, intermittently zig and zag in your path.  Don't be predictable. 

The zig-zag is also a good plan for a situation in which you find yourself within line of sight of the shooter, but far enough away that he'd have to be a crack shot to take you out.  Always remember to keep your head down.  Pretend like there's a buzz-saw four feet above the ground that will cut you in twain if you let it.  Better yet, pretend there's a man in the room who is looking to shoot heads, and will be happy to shoot yours if he sees it.  As a motivator, that would probably work for me.

But what if you don't have an unblocked path to an exit?  The biggest advantage of the knowledge you should have by now compiled is that you are aware of all of your options, and should be able to make your decision based on whatever is most advantageous to you in any given moment.  The gist, though, is that you'll have to hide.  If there's an office nearby, protocol will probably tell you that you should get inside that office and close and lock the door behind you.  Make no mistake:  that is the right thing to do if you can't escape outright.  A locked door is not something most spree killers are looking to deal with unless it can be dealt with quickly.

You can try to petition your office for bullet resistant doors, but since most companies are focused on the bottom line, and because any risk assessment survey would likely find them to be an inefficient use of funds, you probably won't get them.  One thing you can do is to convince your co-workers -- and it'll be particularly useful to convince those of your co-workers who have offices with doors -- of the glories of kevlar sheeting, which you can hang over the doors to protect you from any bullets that may penetrate.  It might be a little pricey, but it stops bullets.  Can you say that about anything else you own?  Neither, "my guitar playing," nor, "the Bible I keep in my breast pocket," are acceptable answers.

There is another option for those hiding in windowed offices that requires a little foresight, but which is beautiful in its action-movie-like simplicity:  keep some sort of rope in every office, and if push comes to shoot, climb or rappel right down the side of the building.  This will work with a rope ladder; you can use a thick knotted rope; anything with the tensile strength to support your weight will do, but try to make it as strong as is feasible for fairly compact and discreet storage.  After all, this isn't something you're going to be using every day.  You don't work in a post-office, do you?  At any rate, the stronger the rope/rope-ladder/suspension device, the more people will be able to use it at once, which will accelerate the decrease in targets for the gunman, which in turn will decrease the death toll, which is what this is all about.  The only other keys to remember with regards to climbing out the window are to make sure that your escape method has a strong and sturdy anchor point, to hold on tight and to refrain from looking down.  The latter key is especially important if you're a little bitch.

But it's not always going to be possible to escape, and if you're hiding, there's a chance that you'll be found.  What happens when you're face to face?  No matter how savvy your preparations have been to this point, your plans could all fall to the wayside.  Are you ready for that possibility?  Read on. 

Quietly (and legally) arm yourself without getting fired

Although you probably don't remember how to tie forty different kinds of knots anymore, there's one thing from the Boy-scouts that I'm sure you remember--always be prepared. This rule is especially important when anticipating an "incident" at work. So if the fat guy who smiles a bit too much was just laid off, don't waste any more time--GET ARMED!

But before you zoom on down to Wal Mart to pick up the latest in their fine selection of semi-automatic machine guns, we've got to break it to you--you're probably not going to be able to arm yourself with firearms. It's just not plausible. You run the risk of getting caught and fired, not to mention being arrested and mistaken for a nutty office shooter yourself. And if you somehow manage to smuggle a sawed off shotgun into your cube, you're running the risk of an accident (shooting yourself/coworker) or, in the worst case scenario, actually providing the nut job with a gat of his own (if he didn't already have one).

So forget a gun. It's time to get creative. Head over to your favorite office supplies store (or closet) and stock up! First on your list is an obvious choice--scissors. At any sort of safe range, the only way scissors will come in handy is as throwing weapons. That means grab as many as you can fit in your desk without things getting all weird if anyone happens to peek inside your area. The sweet spot is probably seven--just enough to do damage if used well, but just few enough to avoid the looney bin. You'll be using the scissors like a knife, so you should hone some basic knife throwing skills or your stockpile will be rendered useless. A few basic tips--grip the scissors by the "blade," palms towards the ceiling; build up your arm strength as much as you can (hit the weights or do some office push ups if you can); and make sure to figure out the proper distance and force to throw the scissors to properly get the blade to stick into your target, which in this instance will be a 58-year-old assistant manager who hasn't had sex since the Bachman Turner Overdrive was on the radio.

A less traditional weapon you can also pick up at the office supply shop is compressed air. If your would-be attacker (AKA the guy everyone called "Bald Dilbert") gets up close, look for an opening and then blast the compressed air directly in his eyes. Then hit the deck as your now-blinded attacker will soon attempt to blast your ass with some shots in the dark.  Now here's where the fun comes in...toss your can of compressed air at your attacker mid gunfire. When the can, which is under extreme pressure, is punctured by a stray bullet, you're gonna have one super maimed (or dead) regional traffic specialist.

While you're on the lookout for dangerous supplies, pick up a paper cutter. The traditional "sharp arm" cutter and the razor sharp paper cutter each have their own unique uses in the fight against a disgruntled loser. I'd go with the "sharp arm" cutter, which can be used (once detached from its base) as an impromptu machete, which would come in handy for leg and knee attacks...and as we've been told by countless movies, a strike to the knee is the most painful strike there is.

Remember to stock up on other miscellaneous items, like pushpins and tacks (to secretly throw all over your office's path in the hopes of distracting Pink Slip McShootsalot), a heavy duty gas-powered paper shredder (which can be turned into a light-weight defensive bomb) and some razor sharp drafting rulers and compasses (more projectiles).

Remember, you don't EVER want to fight. But if it comes down to life or death by the hand of the guy who couldn't get picked for dodge-ball at the company picnic, I'd choose life...via these trusty items. So STOCK UP!

WORST CASE SCENARIO--Disarm Him and Fight Hand To Hand

So, as we've said thus far, if the safety manager who got fired for touching himself in the bathroom wants to enact a revenge fantasy, the first thing you do is PROTECT YOURSELF. Then, if you can, RUN RUN RUN!! If neither of these are options and you simply can't hide, make sure to STOCK UP on semi-lethal (but commonly found) weapons to defend yourself from afar.

But what if the chronic masturbator has you in his sights? What if he's heading right for you? What do you do? First, dodge any bullets being fired your way. Literally dodging a bullet is impossible, so you'll have to preemptively attempt to dodge where the overweight shooter might be shooting. Got that? Use the shooter's husky body language to develop clues as to where he both might shoot as well as where he thinks you'll be headed. Then, right before the point of last return, push all your weight the other direction...still breathing? Not in pain (other than hitting your office's dull carpeting)? Then you've dodged a bullet.

Now it's time (if your still-lives-with-his-mommy gunman is close enough) to disarm his ass. First, quickly attempt to attack the shooter's shooting hand. Use any of those weapons that you picked up from the supply closet or just try to slam the outside section of his hand as hard as possible. If you have time for training, get a buddy and try out some of these techniques:

 

 

These are very complicated so don't try any until you've practiced and again ONLY AS A LAST RESORT.

Remember to throw the tubby bitch's gun as far away from you and him as possible. DON'T try to use the gun on him. That runs the risk of giving him a chance to quickly recover his firearm...then it's his turn to give YOU a lead-clad pink slip (how poetic of me).

Now that that the loser's seemingly unarmed (remember, he may still have guns on his person), it's time to do some hand to hand combat. That's no small task--people spend years training and honing their skills and still come off as losery pricks doing Tae Bo. Some really easy moves you can try? The triangle choke is a good one. You'll still need some sort of strength, so don't give up that exercise regiment (no one said staying alive was easy, folks). What you need to do is get down the ground, lure your opponent towards you, then ensnare his head and one arm in a tight grip with your legs, forming a triangle around his neck. Now squeeze. You will be denying oxygen to the sweat factory of a gunman's carotid artery, via restricting the blood flow. Do it right and the ordeal is over...the fat turd of a man is knocked out. Here's video of how to do the triangle choke properly:

 

 

Now go snatch up some CAT5 cable and tie up the bastard. It'll be hard to resist throwing some punches onto the still unconscious lardy foe, but I'd hold back until the authorities arrive.

We hope it never comes to this, but if someone in your office ever goes postal...now you know how to slip into ATTACK MODE.

P.S.