Attack Mode: The Ghetto

 

 

 

FIGHT BACK

Gangbangers don't play by the rules, so if you wanna survive your trip into the ghetto, you can't either. But if you wanna come out on top, you gotta break the rules even MORE than them.

Peruse the headlines covering gang violence and you'll see the bangers got themselves some intense artillery. Nearly half of all deaths caused by gangsters is from a semi automatic weapon, according to scientists (dudes, you get to study gangsters? That's so cool!). What's even more terrifying is that, despite what racist a holes think, gang bangers really do know how to use these guns.

Where'd they find out how to use 'em? Why, the army, of course!

So you're gonna need something that both adequately shields you and arms you for battle with well trained gunmen carrying semi automatic weapons. Guess you're gonna need a Tank.

Thankfully, Tanks For Sale has what you need. Just imagine the look on the gang bangers' faces when you roll into their turf, Hitler in Poland style. Oh, don't forget to get the ammunition too.

You'll probably have to step out of the tank at some point, so arm yourself with some state of the art body armor. Hit up Safari Land for some sick shit, or you could just build your own.

If you're gonna be on the ground, you'll need to arm yourself as well. Since the bangers all have semi automatic weapons, why not take the next logical step and get yourself some FULLY automatic weapons? There's a pretty decent selection of light, fully automatic weapons out there but we'll go with the gas-actuated Israeli IMI Negev. This is truly a bad ass gun, as seen in this picture of the Israeli equivalent of Rambo (we can call him Jewbo).

 

To get your hands on the gun, you'll probably need to hit up an arms dealer. That'll be hard, since you can't just google "arms dealer" and find any phone numbers or email addresses. But befriending your neighborhood gun shop owner is probably a good start. We won't suggest anything more, lest we get sent away, so good luck with that.

IF YOU CAN'T BEAT EM, JOIN EM

 

If you're not insanely rich and therefore can't afford a tank and some kick ass body armor, a great ghetto survival tactic is to join a gang yourself. The benefits don't stop at preventing bodily harm from the gang in question; as per gang law, these mofos will protect you and kill anyone who tries to get in your way.

Which all sounds awesometastic. Unfortunately, joining a gang isn't that easy. Each gang initiation is different, but they all suck and involve performing acts of violence either on yourself or others.

Let's consult Wikipedia: "[Bloods] initiation usually involves committing a certain crime or crimes (sometimes five in homage to the "5 point star" of People Nation), or more often being "jumped in" for five seconds - getting beat up by other members in the gang. Sometimes being "blessed" in is another ritual, where a member hits the inductee full force in the forehead. Initiation rituals vary across regions, or even sets or the member being inducted."

Wow. Never sneeze in front of a gang member (lest they "bless" you....ohhhhh zing).  Here are a few other ways to get into a gang, in case you're a curious, George.

If you're going down this route, you should probably join the Bloods as they have no recorded history infighting (unlike the Crips). Because if you join a gang, you really should be able to rely on your homies. Am I right people?

AVOID THE GANGSTAZ

The classification for most street gangs is a "territorial gang." That's because their very existence is to to protect, run and operate a territory (their "turf" if you will). So another good way to stay alive and kickin' in the hood is to avoid gang turf altogether.

The best people to talk to about where to find (or rather not find) bangers are the people with the biggest hard on for gangstas--namely the coppers. So hit up the police station designated for the ghetto you wish to enter and find out where to avoid.

Cops can be dicks, though, so if your designated ghetto is in Los Angeles county, this guy's website can help you out as well.

DON'T SWEAT IT

You can worry all day and attempt to place the highest bid on your eBay tank auction, but at the end of the day, here's a simple factoid that should give you some (sorta fucked up) comfort: unless you're a cop or a member of a rival gang, chances are gangsters will just leave you alone. Which is less exciting but, in the end, probably better for your overall survival.

If you're gonna go this route, just make sure to not roll into the ghetto with your "bling" on... especially if you're inclined to refer to your "bling" as "bling."