Attack Mode: Surviving OJ

The latest as you may have heard is that he’s been charged with assault, robbery, conspiracy, kidnapping, and a few other charges after he (allegedly) held up Casino for a few items of memorabilia that he claimed were rightfully his own.  I take no position as to whether he’s guilty or not, though he very nearly won me over with his weak attempt at humor when he told the LATimes, “I thought what happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas.*”  Juice Man was just joking, but technically he’s right.  If you rob a place in Vegas, you’ll probably be staying in Vegas for a couple years.

Seeing as he has a certain, let’s say, propensity for conflict, it may be worthwhile listing some ways of surviving your encounter with Mr. Simpson, should such a rendezvous come to pass.

Make an Assessment

Firstly, upon coming face to face with an enraged OJ Simpson, the average person might be tempted to lament, “I’m being attacked by OJ Simpson?  What is this, the mid-nineties?  Do I look like I’m listening to the Smashing Pumpkins on my portable CD player?”  This would be a mistake.  Sarcasm will not delay his attack, in fact it will only quicken his rage. 

Secondly, you probably have the slight advantage of age.  OJ is now sixty years old, believe it or not.  Working against you is the fact that he was once a Heisman Trophy winner, and you probably were not.  So it’s sort of a tradeoff there.  If it comes down to a footrace, it’s anybody’s guess who’ll win.  Though, bear in mind that when he was first apprehended for the murders of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman, he was fleeing in a “low-speed pursuit” in his car.  So you can probably outdrive him as he is notoriously slow on the road. 

Learn Martial Arts 

The way it usually works in Steven Seagal movies is that OJ will send his two big ugly mullet-headed henchmen after you, while he leans up against the bar and watches gleefully.  You tussle with them for a few seconds before slamming their heads together.  Then OJ will send his even tougher looking main henchman after you.  You’ll tussle for about a minute before throwing him out a window.  Then OJ will either A. Stand down and beg for mercy. or B. Tussle with you for about four minutes before you smash his face into a pile of broken glass, turn to the awestruck bartender and say, “Too pulpy for my taste.” 

Fun fact: OJ will probably have a gun.  There have been a number of occasions on which OJ has been (allegedly) caught possessing deadly weapons, in particular handguns.  Personally, I would never encourage anyone to go out and procure a firearm (though I understand people’s desire to do so whether for self-defense, hunting, etc.), but before you enter into your seemingly unprovoked conflict with OJ, you should know that he will have a gun.  Do with that information what you will. 

Don't Reason with Him 

Don’t tell him there’s DNA evidence that will prove he was wherever you are, don’t tell him there are dozens of witnesses, don’t tell him that someone’s making an audio recording of his verbal assaults.  He just won’t care. Juice does what he wants and leaves the decisions of legality up to the lawyers. Your best bets are fight or flight.  Play to your own strengths, and most importantly, know what the man is (allegedly) capable of.

* Joke also made by everyone else.