Attack Mode: Protect Your Car from GTA

If you're a man (and according to our traffic stats, you are), chances are you've invested a lot of time and money in your car. As it's generally the most expensive thing most men own other than a house and a wife (man, that Korean wife sure was expensive), it's also a very frequent target for criminals, thieves and those damned video game players. That's why you need to be prepared at any time to ward off a carjacker (especially if you drive a '91 Honda Accord, which is the most stolen car in the US).

What can you do to prevent someone from GTA-ing your wheels? Other than packing heat, smashing all the PS2s in your neighborhood or buying a trusty trunk monkey, here's a handy four-step guide to keeping your ride safe and looking like a badass (or James Bond wannabe) while doing so.

Step 1: Camouflage Your Ride

While an Accord is the most stolen car in the US, it's proven that the cars least likely to be stolen look like crap. Don't believe me? Look at the chart.

Even though that's scientifically the case, do we really want or need to drive crappy cars just to make sure they remain ours? No, we don't, because the geniuses at Kia have come up with an even better idea: crappy car camoflauge. Throw this baby on your parked car, and instantly your midlife crisis looks like midlife crap-is. Or something. 

You can just as easily homebrew a kit that will convince those penis-less douchebags that your sweet ride is actually a depository for homeless piss.

Grab some cardboard boxes from outside your grocery store along with some broken glass and garbage and duct tape it all together (making sure to not tape anything to your actual car). Then keep the camo kit in your trunk.

Step 2: Attach a South African Car Flame Thrower

If anyone knows how to punish "criminals" to an extreme, it's South Africa. Attaching just under the doors, the Blaster, as it's awesomely called, shoots out a fireball on both sides of the car, igniting those who may wish to steal your baby with the its fiery Flames of Justice. The maker of the Blaster (Charl Fourie, who should get an award named after him) has claimed that the intentions are to blind your assailant, not kill or lethally burn him.  Couldn't you have done that with a bright light, Charl? Wink Wink...

Not only does this invention allow you to blast fire out of your car like you're playing Twisted Metal or Rogue Trip, but it lets you punish criminals for life. Why arrest or take out a carjacker when you can blind him and cover him with 3rd degree burns.  With the Blaster, you'll make sure the last thing he ever sees is the flames shooting forth from your door as you smile evilly at him as if to say, "Not today, foul criminal! Not today!" Then feel free to piss on his burn wounds...I think pee helps wounds heal. Or does it make them worse? Hmm...

It may be hard to find the Blaster since it's no longer being produced, but as far as I know it's still not illegal (at least in South Africa—for the US? Who knows). Even if it is illegal, sometimes you can't put a price (or sentence) on your car's safety.  So hit the backwaters of the internet and I'm sure you'll find someone willing to part with a spare Blaster.

Step 3: Install Interior Weaponry

The gun is an obvious choice, so they'll be looking for that. What they won't be looking for, however, is a steering wheel. A deadly steering wheel. Why dirty yourself and face possible legal action when your car can do it for you? With Transformers coming out soon, a steering wheel capable of shattering a car thief's arms -- much like your father shattered your dreams of playing in the big leagues -- is the perfect way to capitalize on the fear of vehicles suddenly transforming into bloodthirsty Decepticons.

With this baby installed, all you have to do is let a thief grab your steering wheel and laugh as his arms shatter into hundreds of tiny pieces (not sure why you keep laughing at these car thefts in progress...if you're standing near the car when someone's going to steal it, just call the cops). If we're going to burn and blind them, we may as well make sure they can't read braille any time soon either; since they can't watch TV, let's take away the pleasure of reading as well.

Step 4: May As Well Offer One Serious Thing...

I'm not entirely sure whether or not their claim -- that no car ever equipped with this device has ever been stolen -- is true, but I do know from a few friends that this Ravelco anti-theft device at least seems to work. (Then again, for all I know, my friends could be Ravelco employees...especially my buddy Ravel). How it works is simple: you pull the plug out, and your car's electric systems shut down. How can a thief steal your car if nothing works in it? They can't, unless they want to put it in neutral and push it or if they have a tow-truck, but if they can do that, you've already lost. Also, if they can do that, they're pretty cool, and I'd rather hang out with them than with you.  We'll use your car, though.

At any rate, this guy may not be flashy or badass, and it may not shoot fire, but it does seem to work. For $400 it damn well better, too. Oh, and you won't get arrested either.

So run out now and employ one (or all) of these methods...the new GTA game is coming out soon, so get on this before a whole new generation of raving douchebags starts getting a craving for their first taste of sweet sweet thievery.