Attack Mode: Killer Bees

Killer Bees, AKA Africanized Bees (whoa datz racist! or not) aren't, by themselves, any more dangerous than a typical Honey Bee. KB's don't have lethal doses of bee venom (scientific name apitoxin, street name "ouchie juice"). But the key difference between a KB and her super mega pussytastic Honey Bee counterpart is that the Killaz fly in insanely huge swarms. So, sure, one sting from a Killer Bee won't kill you. But you can expect THOUSANDS of stings from these biznatches, making them the most lethal subspecies of bee known to man (women know about a couple other subspecies but those bitches ain't talking).

So if you get caught in or around a swarm of these bastards, you must come DEFENSE MODE ready. If you're going to be in an area with killer bees (i.e. most of the Southwestern US and tons of other places in the world) you should pack: 

This is the poor man's bee defense. Bees are dirty, dirty little cretins whose bodies get instantly devastated when introduced to soap. Basically, a wax outer layer on their bodies gets broken down and the bitches start to drown. This works. No joke. But do NOT go up to a bee hive and start spraying. First, that's just rude. And secondly, they will kill you. Bees are faster than you, you fat fuck. 

Africanized bees are pissy, prissy cunts. Smoke works on them much like doobage smoke works on us; it makes them calmer and cooler. If you're traveling on the light, just make sure you have enough tools to start up a smoky fire (lighter and a bunch of dry grass would do the trick) if you see a cloud of conniption-fit-having beeznatches. But if you've got space, you should pack a "bee smoker." It does the trick far better than anything you could do and as an added bonus you can put yer weeeed in it. Actually, I'm not sure if that's true. But fuck it bro, do it up anyways.  

Most of the on-the-market pesticides targeted at killing bees take anywhere between 4 hours to 2 weeks to kill the bees sprayed. If a tornado of beevil starts whirling toward your ass, you don't have a minute to waste, let alone 2 weeks (unless you can freeze time like Zach Morris). So you're gonna need some black market shit. I suggest Carbofuran (which is sold under the names furadan and Curater). It's a "death on contact" pesticide, so a nice little spray bottle of that shit should out-kill the killer bees. But be careful, brodikus; it's one of the most deadly pesticides ever (which I'm sure has something to do with it being banned... that and the 20,000 red-winged blackbirds found dead), meaning a half a tablespoon can KILL you. For legal reasons, I leave you to your own devices to find out how to buy the stuff. 

The most impractical but best defense against any bee attacks is rocking a Beekeeper suit. The suits work on two levels: defense and confusion. The suit's main purpose is to kill any direct contact between you and a bee. But since the suit is a "neutral" white color, you present yourself to the bees as a non-attractive color. Apparently bees love attacking darker colors (watch out non-white people) so they always head to the screened veil on the suit, which is impervious to stings. Though, if that's the case, why don't they make the whole suit out of that material? And while they're at it, why don't they make planes out of the same material they use to make those black boxes? What's the deeeeal with that?!

With the proper equipment and preparation, you'll be ready to fend off an attack of killer bees. Which will give you the upper hand when you procure some, find your enemy and switch over to ATTACK MODE! 

First thing you'll need is a place to store your Killer Bees. The standard for beekeepers is the Langstroth hive (which you can build yourself). You'll only need one of these if your devious attack is long term in nature. If you got a "hit it and quit it" attack planned, just pick up a gang of bee traps at Home Depot. Then leave the traps out somewhere where there are Africanized bees. Come back a day later in your beekeeper outfit and -- voila! -- you've got your bees.

There are two ways you can carry out your killer bee attack. One would be to open your bee traps around the area of the person you're trying to attack and hope for the best. I'm sure SOME people will die, if that's any consolation. Remember to rock the beekeeper suit and bring the smoker along or you'll be one of em. If you've got a bit more patience, you might wanna go "Rushmore Style" and grab some plastic tubing and pump the bees into your enemy's room.

 

 

 

DISCLAIMER: We don't endorse killing your enemies with bees for serious. Though if you do and you tell us about it, we might be like "damn, that's crazy." But again, we don't endorse it.