Attack Mode: How to Survive a Drunken BBQ Brawl

  With Independence Day in our rearview mirror, summer has now hit full swing.  This is the time of year when we see life in all its unencumbered glory.  Old men at the beach show off their pasty, spindly legs in ridiculously high shorts while their wives wear massive white hats and startlingly black one-piece bathing suits that can’t fully cover the cottage cheese flesh of their flanks.  Thighs that would normally slide right across the vinyl seat of your sweet-ass station wagon stick to it as tightly as any adhesive 3M could dream up.  And men of all stripes get to congregate in front of fires, just like the ancestors did, and cook thick slabs of meat in the open air while drinking beer and throwing ice cubes at one another.   

This all sounds well and good, but the problem with cooking meat in the open air is that it brings up those primal territorial instincts we’ve been taught to suppress.  Usually timid neighbors will stop by and steal beers out of the well-stocked Styrofoam cooler.  And they don’t steal the Pabst, the beer that was put in there with the specific intent of having freeloaders steal them, they steal the imports and the microbrews.  They ask for a burger, then, while your back is turned, they fork the ribeye that was carefully hidden from the other guests.  This transgression leads to escalation, to yelling, to the eventual punch being thrown, and all of a sudden it’s a full-on brawl and you have to go into ATTACK MODE.  Here are the rules for survival:
 

1.  He who controls the utensils controls the fight

A BBQ is a virtual Garden of Stabbing, what with the steak knives, meat forks, and skewers so plentiful and easily accessible.  At the first sign of trouble you must gather all of the sharp items and stick them in the secret pockets that you sewed into your apron the night before the barbecue.  If you didn’t sew pockets into your apron, I don’t know if I can help you.  Honestly, you know that you’re going to be grilling in your backyard, so why wouldn’t you take the necessary precautions?  Are you some kind of fool?  That’s like walking into a bar in Tampa and not checking to see if the chick you’re chatting up has an Adam’s apple.

How will you use these utensils? If you have any martial arts training (which you should) you will see the utensils as merely extensions of your already powerful Asian-style punches. If you've dabbled in Kendo or even traditional fencing, all the better. But with no training, keep a few things in mind: #1 NEVER fully extend your arm. If you're attempting to go all Captain Jack on your beer pilferer and you happen to stick your meat skewer-wielding arm into a full extension, you'll either stab your neighbor...or you'll miss and make your elbow prey to getting gripped, squeezed and then promptly snapped in the wrong direction by your opponent. This would break your arm and probably leave lasting damage. And since Michael Moore has shown us that health coverage sucks, you're right well fucked.

#2 You probably shouldn't use a sharp utensil. The untrained fighter with a dangerous sword is like an untrained, virginal Christian wife on her wedding night -- anything could happen. You could stab yourself, for one, or you could stab your neighbor to death, which would suck (as would the jail time that'd quickly result). Go for the spatula or tongs and just give the bastard a good punishing, rather than a bad death.

2.  Chairs—Not just for sitting

The problem with most drunken brawls is that there are too many inanimate people sitting on the sidelines.  It’s like they’re the crowd in Blades of Steel.   
 

You have to get these people out of the seats—perhaps you can target the guy waving the pennant—and start using the chairs to your advantage.  As the WWE has taught us, folding chairs make a lot of noise and cause a lot of pain when you use them for blunt force trauma.  So, while your friend is head-butting your neighbor’s brick shithouse of a wife, you take a folding chair to the back of her skeezy husband’s head. Don't use anything other than a folding chair... a head is hard... and you don't want your chair breaking, now do you?

3.  BBQ sauce  

The fact of the matter is this: you and your college buddies can’t hold off a dozen hooligans with names like “Rollo” and “Matey” and "Snake" without resorting to some deception and dastardly deeds.  If you’re any kind of man, you’ve got six or seven different kinds of barbecue sauce out there next to the grill.  Take the spiciest one you can find and just throw it directly into the eyes of your college buddies.  For a second, they’ll be completely blind.  But after that initial handicap they’ll get into a rage that will make Bruce Banner look like Eric Bana.  They’ll go apeshit, jumping and biting and kicking anything that gets in their way.  If you’ve seen that Blue Planet where the chimpanzees are killing and eating the other chimpanzees, that’s what to expect.  WARNING:  Do not get in their way.   

I supposed you could also use the sauce to blind your opponents and then, with a few well placed kicks and choke-holds, put them quickly out of commission. But this article isn't called "Submission Mode." It's called "Attack Mode."

4.  Deck umbrellas are hilariously deadly weapons

What if the physics in cartoons existed in real life?  Like, if you stuck a fire hose in a dude’s mouth and turned it on full blast he would blow up to roughly the size of a Camry before the water turned off and he expelled all the water and shrunk back down to normal size (rather than choke to death)?  Well, with deck umbrellas, you get to see cartoon physics in action.  

When you get backed into a corner, pick up one of those suckers, close it up and hold it out like it’s a lance.  The hooligans will stop momentarily, and they’ll begin to wonder if they’ve been transported to Merry Olde England, or perhaps a Renaissance Faire, before they come charging at you again.  In this split second of indecision you must use all the force you can muster and stuff that umbrella right down the biggest, baddest guy’s throat.  Then hit the button that deploys the umbrella and watch his belly swell up in the shape of a deployed deck umbrella.

Seriously, I’ve seen this happen four or five times.  One time was in Australia, though, so I don’t know if that counts since the physics there is already fucked up since they walk around upside down on the globe.  That shit’s crazy.

Other, more "practical" (read non lethal) techniques involving deck umbrellas might be blinding and disorienting your opponent by opening and closing the umbrella in his (or her) face repeatedly; using the long item to knock stolen beer, food and weapons out of your opponents' hands; closing the umbrella on your opponents head (and then subsequently kicking his blinded ass); and, if it's raining, using it to not get wet (while your LAME ASS opponent gets his new Hawaiian shirt drenched... that'll show his drunk ass). Just a note of caution: if anyone's filming your drunken brawl, only use the deck umbrella in your fight if it's entirely devoid of flower prints. You don't want your moment of infamy to blast all over YouTube as "Guy beats up other guy with frilly ass umbrella." Unless... you're into that sort of shit.

5.  Propane + Matches = Flamethrower

So it’s come down to this.  Your gang has been backed into a corner by the seething band of neighborhood toughs.  They’ve got you surrounded, and the only thing between you and them is the propane grill you got as a belated wedding present from your boss (that cocky bastard).  Fuck him, and fuck these hooligans.  Snap off the hose and rip the propane tank from the mount underneath the grill.  Turn that son of a bitch on full, light a match, and start burning everything in your path.  

Sure, you spent thousands of dollars fixing up the deck just so you could have barbecues like this.  Sure, you could have just ignored the neighbors stealing your steak in the first place.  Sure, you could have done a lot of things.  But you don’t regret the past.  And you sure as hell don’t worry about the future, especially while you burn a path through your yard that would make General Sherman dance a jig in envy.  

Burn the peonies your wife planted.  Burn the lilac bushes you so carefully pruned.  Burn your college buddies, since the barbecue sauce has actually made them insane, 28 Days Later-style, and they’re likely to steal the propane tank away from you and then bash you over the head with it.  Burn it all.  Burn everything and everyone.  And after you’re done, go to the gas station and refill your propane, because it would suck to run out next time you’re cooking burgers.

If your boss didn't give you that propane tank, you can take an even riskier route and attempt to use lighter fluid to wreak some havoc. WATCH OUT!!! The chances of losing a finger in EITHER method are ABOVE 50%. So only use these methods if you think the drunken BBQ brawl you've got yourself involved in will also result in missing digits.  And if that's the case, I think it's time you seriously thought about moving, because your neighbors are some DANGEROUS mother effers.