Attack Mode: How to Not Blow Up

Explosions at Work

Fact*: No matter where you work, some means of self-destruction is never more than eighteen inches away.   

The first suspect that you want to avoid is the microwave.  The break-room microwave is at least twenty-seven years old.  How did it achieve such longevity?  It protects its turf from shlubs like you.  Everyone knows that aluminum foil doesn’t belong in a microwave, but this old piece of work is more temperamental than that.  You can’t put carrots in there without risking a spark.  But you still need to heat up your burrito, so you chance it anyway.  

Tip: If the microwave does set you ablaze, stop, drop, and roll on your emergency asbestos towel.  If the burns are second-degree or higher you may want to take the rest of the day off and go to the hospital.  Keep in mind, this all could have been avoided if you’d just brought something that doesn’t require rapid heating to make it delicious.

Explosions in the Car 

Fact: Henry Ford originally wanted to call the Model-T, the “horseless coffin.” 

Explosions at the Hospital

Fact: More people have died in hospitals this year than in The Departed. 

Modern hospitals have come a long way since the days of bloodletting and trepanning (poking holes in the skull to release demons).  Or have they?  You’re not allowed to smoke in a hospital because the spark could trigger a fire from the oxygen tubes.  Even the air in a hospital is conspiring against you.  Forget about the scalpels, the MRI machines, the anesthesia.  Oxygen, your body's most basic need, is also what you need to be most worried about.

Explosions at Home

Fact: The only item in your house that can be trusted is the egg carton.  You’d really have to struggle to get killed by that.  

So, you’ve been released to the comforts of your own home after several days in the ICU.  Fortunately, your home is a safe haven from the dangers of the world, right?  Wrong.  You know the saying that 41-90% of accidents occur in the home?  Well it’s actually much higher than that.  Your house has a microwave just like work, newspapers just like your car, and oxygen just like the hospital.  Obviously the gas range is a danger; that almost goes without saying.  Your home contains too many hazards to list, including just about everything but your egg cartons.  And what about that guy in high school who hated you?  He may be sending you an exploding birthday present in the mail right now.  Surprise!

Miscellaneous Explosions

Fact: Alfred Nobel invented dynamite in his parents’ garage at the age of 14, after his first girlfriend dumped him.  Thus began the grand marriage between isolation and home-made bombs.  He also wrote his fair share of bad poetry about the darkness of his soul relative to the color of blood on a cold night. 

There are some obviously bad ideas when it comes to avoiding explosive death. 

• Don’t join the military.  Not to make light of global affairs, and no disrespect to our honorable men and women in uniform, but if your top priority in life is not to get blown up, Fallujah seems like the last place you’d want to go.  
  

• Beware of spontaneous combustion.  There’s no definite way of predicting how and when it will happen but if sparks start unexpectedly flying from your body (there are documented cases on this) immediately get someone to stomp you out.  In the bathtub if possible.  It’s an awful way to die.  Apparently the fat of your body can keep the fire burning for hours. 
  

• A Molotov cocktail is not a vodka martini with Mallomars instead of olives. 
  

• Pepsi and pop rocks is a myth.  Fresca and PEZ is not.  Here’s a rhyme so you can keep it straight: Pepsi and pop rocks you’ll be playin’ some hop scotch, Fresca and PEZ you’ll be saying ya’ pray-yez.  I never said it was a good rhyme.

The Solution

Don’t do anything.  Don’t drive, don’t talk, don’t live your life.  The fact is, an explosion could await you pretty much anywhere.  If you don’t want to take the chance, don’t wake up in the morning. Otherwise, stop being a ninny and go do something.  Plenty of people live to a ripe old age without exploding even once.  As long as you're aware of your surroundings and apprised of the risks, you could be one of those people.  So buck up, keep your wits about you, and forage forth safely in ATTACK MODE.

* Some facts may not be facts.