Attack Mode: Get Your Home Battle Ready Without Getting a Gun

Cacti, cacti, cacti:

Go to the store and buy as many cacti as you can safely carry.  Cacti are very resilient plants. They survive with very little maintenance and seldom even need to be watered.  Also, if some meth-head comes tumbling through your picture window in the wee-hours, you can unload on him with your prickly arsenal.  But here's a use for your cacti that you may not have considered:  filling them to the brim with blinding powder.  So, hollow a cactus out, and keep it near you.  If you are dedicated to your family's safety, you will keep your blinding powder stash within arms-reach at all times.  With that in mind, it’s time to make blinding powder.  Get some very fine sand from the beach or a nursery.  The sand must be extremely fine, or your enemy's eyes will be too easily flushed.  Get some ashes from your last cookout, and mix it with the sand and some crushed habanero pepper.  With a mortar and pestle, grind the substance together, then fill your cactus with it.  When your enemy approaches, shovel the mixture into his eyes, then staple a business card to his shirt with your name and motto on it in braille.  Your motto:  "Good luck with the permanent blindness."  You want him to remember you as the man who blinded him for breaking a window.  Word of mouth will take care of the rest.

Rubber mallet madness: 

For some reason, women find rubber mallets much less threatening than regular hammers. That means you can put them virtually anywhere: under your pillows, in the sink, in a row of hammers on your belt; it just doesn't matter where you store your rubber hammers. After all, they’re rubber, and rubber is safe, right?  Tell that to the skulls they'll be bouncing off. You’re not going to get the penetrating effects you might find with a steel hammer, but you'll get exactly what you need to protect your home, and what you need to protect your home is blunt force trauma.  Attack your opponent’s mobility and go for the legs.  Don't go for the knees, there isn't enough soft tissue.  You want to make your enemy bleed internally, and a chipped bone in an all-out fight just won't get it done.  The thigh, on the other hand, is the perfect target. The minute you land a hit, the muscles in the leg will start to hemorrhage and swell, preventing blood flow through the leg.  What this creates is a really serious “charley horse," the kind you don’t get up from for a day or two.  Land one good hit, and even if you eventually lose your battle (you won't), you've put a serious damper on any end-zone dances he's got planned.  You'll laugh and sing as your assailant hops around on one leg while trying to block your Thor-like hammer blows.  At this point, it is always appropriate to yell out, “By the beard of Odin!”

Alternate hammer plan:  you've got hammers all over your house.  And you know your house.  Your enemy does not.  Feel free to set up Ewok-style hammer traps wherever appropriate.  If your invader opens a door, a box of hammers should fall on his head and shoulders.  If he trips a line, hammers should swing from all directions.  If you've ever played Super Mario Brothers, you know how devastating the Hammer Brothers can be.  Use what you've learned and throw those goddamn hammers like your life depends on it, because it does.

Fun with blowguns:

First, replace that old stick you use to lock your sliding glass door with a 5/8” metal pipe. This is the standard blowgun dart size. Pick up some broad-head darts from any website and put one in the pipe. Make sure you fasten the dart at the base of the pipe with a small piece of tape to hold it in place while you move around. If someone gets feisty, shoot them in the face. He’ll know he picked the wrong house by the darts sticking out of his eyeballs. Since the darts are very narrow with a small head, you can hide them all around the house. Put them in random plants or stick them behind a piece of furniture:  anywhere, it's your house.  You'll be able to get to it, and your enemy won't know it exists until it pierces his fragile outlaw body.

The "Home Alone" Method:

The Siege Fortress: