Attack Mode: Applying for the Position of Jessica Alba's Boyfriend

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Step 1: Train Like a Ninja 

Getting past a big-ass bodyguard is not the easiest thing in the world. They're bigger than you, stronger than you, and probably way more savage than you could ever hope to be. What's puny little Alba-stalker to do? Be quick, stealthy, and deadly. Like a Ninja, of course. 

1. Go work out! Avoid any sort of high weight/low rep exercises that focus on muscle mass. Instead, focus on endurance and cardio. When you make your Alba-approach, you're going to need to be able to run like the wind and jump like a kangaroo. You may also want to spend some time with a small punching bag. Being able to repeatedly pop Mr. Bodyguard in his stupid face should render him confused and make your “attack” that much easier.
2. Buy some tear-away camo pants. This is a crucial part of the plan. Camo pants will allow you to, obviously, blend in with your surroundings. Hiding in a tree for 3 hours while waiting for the Alba-entourage to exit the Hotel Martmont is no less tedious, but you can now hide undetected for as long as your puny little chicken legs will allow. Brilliant! Once you've infiltrated the bodyguards, you can rip off the camo pants, revealing a layer of uber-stylish clothing underneath. Word to the wise:  chicks love tuxedos.
3. Buy some throwing stars. When all else fails, we're not above advising you to inflict some serious bodily harm. Throwing stars are the perfect weapon, and should help to keep the Ninja theme in motion. These little bastards can cause a world of debilitating pain but, if wielded correctly, are not fatal. Think of it as an ancient and more manly form of mace. Another word to the wise:  practice like hell with these things. You wouldn't want to inadvertently lodge one a throwing star in Ms. Alba's leg. Talk about a bad first impression...

Step 2: The Application/Interview 

Now that you've ripped off your camo pants and incapacitated her personal security, it's time for some face time. Use the pointers below to prepare a application and statement that get her panties to drop in under 10 minutes. We swear.

1. Above and beyond anything else, you're going to need to differentiate yourself from the roughly 2 million other suitors who are currently clamoring for a shot at her sweet love. What's a common dude to do? Find a damn skill. It doesn't really matter what it is (assuming your “special skill” isn't “I'm good at taking pictures of nude celebrities...). Just make sure it's manly. Are you a whiz with a chainsaw? Put it in the app! Can you eat 30 pounds of shrimp in under 15 minutes? Write it down, fatso! Anything that proves to Ms. Alba (soon to be Mr. ______insert my last name here!) that you're that much more of a man than Mr. X should be good enough. Just make sure to pay careful attention to point #2...
2. Now that you've gone ahead and proven just how goddamn manly you are, it's time to work the sensitive card. It might be a good idea if you spontaneously burst into tears. Chicks love that shit.
3. Surprise her with fun facts! Jessica Alba has seen it all, but how do you prove to her that you're truly, unflinchingly devoted to her? Fun facts about Alba. Included below is a random smattering of trivia about Jessica Alba. While in the midst of the interview process, you should figure out subtle ways slipping in these bits... it will do wonders to make her feel as if you reaaally care (which, of course, you do). Just don't overdo it...there's a fine line between being interested and aware and being downright creepy. We'll leave it up to you to figure where the former stops and the latter begins... creep-o. Without further ado, Fun Alba Facts:
1. She was born in Pomona, CA on April, 28^th 1981 to Mark Alba and Catherine Jensen... go ahead, ask her how her parents are. She'll love you!
2. She suffered a variety of physical ailments as a child, from collapsed lungs to pneumonia. Consider bringing an asthma inhaler to the interview. If she starts coughing, you're in! Alba also suffered from OCD as a child, so hold back the urge to make fun of her for tapping the table 13 times and covering her hands with Purell as she grills you... it's all part of the game.
3. As a child, Jessica appeared in ads for both J.C. Penney and Nintendo. Bringing up her childhood career will also provide you with an excellent opportunity to tell her how much you love children. It's okay. We all lie. Alba is a self professed “lover of children” so you best at least pretend to like the little fuckers. Anything that happens as a by-product of having sex with Jessica Alba is a something you can learn to live with....yeah, even that.

Step 3: Shake Cash Warren 

If you've managed to make it through steps 1 and 2 unscathed, then you're a better man than I. You have but one final obstacle standing in between you and eternal Jessica Alba-ness. Dope. This final problem, however, is no joke. Cash Warren, a man she dated, screwed, and pretended to love for over 2 years, is an unhappy camper and he'll be out for your blood. What's a prospective Jessica Alba lover to do? Shake him, dammit! 

1. Throwing stars. I know this was part of Step 1, but the importance of throwing stars cannot be over stated. If you've used them properly, you should have more than enough to go around. Toss a couple in Cashy's direction as he approaches, and it's off the emergency room for him, and off to the Caribbean for you and Jessica.
2. Learn how to fly a helicopter. If the throwing stars don't do the trick, don't panic. You're not quite SOL. Helicopters are complicated beasts, but with the proper training and certification, they make excellent getaway vehicles, leaving angry ex-assholes in the dust. Suckas! The flip side, however, is that helicopter licenses are not cheap. As a back up you might want to get really handy with a pogo stick. Not quite the same effect as a high speed heli-getaway, but at the end of the day, if the woman is in your bed, then there's not much to complain about!
3. Smoke bombs. This is undoubtedly a last ditch effort, but if your ninja star hurling, helicopter flying ass still hasn't evaded poor Cash, drop a smoke bomb, grab the woman, and run for the hills. Be warned: You will be sued for illegal use of fireworks, kidnapping, and perhaps attempted murder, but who cares??? JESSICA ALBA IS NOW YOURS!!! Take some pictures and send it our way, bro.
4. Shake Case Warren.  In the event that you still haven't managed to shake Case Warren from your trail, you'll have to take it into your own hands and literally shake Case Warren.  Grab him firmly by the shoulders, and shake him hard.